selfish?

Why is it selfish to want to leave this life behind? People always say that..."It's selfish to leave the people that love you behind." Why is it selfish?! Do they go through this, day in and day out? NO!

And it comes to a point where it isn't even about being this or that, bipolar or not. It is about my life and how incredibly depressing and lame it is. I have no friends, and before the oh what about XXX or XXX...no! Friends do not treat friends the way XXX and XXX treat me. I do the same thing everyday, sleep up until between the hours or 11-2 then I get up check Facebook, check email, check blog, and then play an online game or watch on demand television. How exciting and fun it is. And then someone might say well that's not everyday. You're right, some days I have to get online to pay bills. Okay, so what is exciting, or even stimulating about that life??? What, no seriously tell me what is stimulating? NOTHING! It is a boring sink hole that just gets worse. Buying a house with my husband, with no money??! HAHAHAHA, what a joke. I will be the first to place a bet on that one.....foreclosure before the first year is up, guarantee it. Then yay!!! Credit ruined forever, not that mine isnt already sunk. What is there to look forward to please tell me??! There is nothing, but more debt, more tears, more failure, and this void that keeps getting bigger.

So I am married and under the age of 26....well my parents got new insurance that will cover me. Should be happy right?? Nope...I get my therapy and psych for free through a government program....with that insurance that would cover me across the board and not to mention the meds I want...I have to pay 15.00 co pay every visit....HAHAHAHA I dont have $45 a month or more! I dont have it!!!! WHY?! It isn't fair...its like there is a gold lining but for me when I get to it I realize its only fools gold. I HATE MY LIFE. I hate how I feel everyday and how I think. Since yesterday, I have felt like while I am sitting in this existence like I am not really in this body or in the present here and now...I feel strange like I am looking in like everyone is speaking in a tunnel.....the sound is muffled and the world around me isn't where I am....

I don't want to be sad anymore, I don't want to feel this way anymore...I want to just let go, but I dont know whats holding me back from letting go.

Growing Up

Today I am wondering why my life just passes me by? All my life since as far back as I can remember, I have been growing up too quick and too much all at once.

When I was very small three and four....the only memories I have of my parents together are bad ones...I remember my dad being so angry at my mom that he threw a seagull sculpture from the bathroom across the kitchen and it smashed into a million pieces right in front of me in my high chair. I remember knowing that my mom and dad were mad at each other, or mad at me sometimes I didn't know which it was. I went to the porch and picturesque scene really, gorgeous orange sunset, front porch down south, cow fields on either side and the smell of the river...I saw my dad through the screen door sitting alone with his hands over his face...I knew that my mom would scratch my dads back when he had a long day, so I went outside and touched his back and "Daddy, do you want me to scratch your back?", all i remember is him throwing his hands in the air and telling me "Get back in the house with your mother!"...I ran, hid in my room (as I often did), and cried holding a picture of my grandmother. The picture was something I clung to when I was scared, when I was lonely, and especially when my parents would fight. I remember the picture so vivid in my mind (one of the few things I can picture without any strain). It was a faded picture her hair was much longer than the grandma I knew then, her hair was dark brown and wavy, she wore a lavender shirt, her eyes sparkled and her smile was warm and inviting. I always found comfort when I would hold onto that picture and cry. I would talk to it like it was my only friend in the world. The night that my parents split up I sat outside their bedroom door, and I heard them arguing and my mom was crying. I knew that this time this fight would be the end of what I knew to be my family. My four year old body trembled as I began to cry bulging tears. I slid down the wall and buried my face in my lap. I heard their voices raising, and it was too much. I ran to my room grabbed my grandmothers picture and buried myself in a pile of stuffed animals. I remember when dad left and mom came into my room, she wanted to hug me and I guess talk about what was going on. I pulled away, I was angry with her..."I want grandma!" I begged her to take me to grandma's. She then stood up began to walk away, jerked her head back around and snapped at me "Fine, you want grandma, I will take you to your grandma!" At this time in her mind I am sure it felt hopeless and painful that her husband was leaving for someone else, and now even her four year old wanted someone other than her. Yes, I feel bad now for wanting my grandma, but she was who made me feel safe. She made me feel like everything was okay. While I was with grandma, it was just her and I. There were no elephants in the room, or tension in the air..it was just giggles, hugs, and fun. When I tell my mom this story, in so many words not in the detail I have written here, she says she never knew I heard them arguing that night, or she would have made sure I was away from ear shot. Mom used to say that no matter where I was she would here me crying if I was in trouble, where was she then I can remember many nights lying awake thinking, why didn't she hear me that night?

When we moved in with my grandma shortly after that night...I remember my mom sitting on her bed, she was crying, again I can remember a bedside table light on and for some reason the color peach shines around the bed and curtains in my mind, he hair glistened in the light from the lamp, and her back was facing the door. I crawled onto the bed beside her and wrapped my arms around her. I whispered to her that "Everything will be okay mommy." I rested my head on her arm and concealed my tears from her the best I could. I knew then that things were never going to be that same, and they weren't. My mom began to work longer hours and was away a lot of the time. I loved the time with grandma, and it made us so much closer than we already were, but I still missed my mom. I remember when I would lay awake waiting for her return from a weekend away for work, and I would plan a theatrical greeting for her when she would walk through the door, I would practice in between grandma's check ins. I would lie my head on my pillow and close my eyes and pretend mom was walking through the door. I then would throw off the sheet and leap out of bed, then race to the door way hugging my imaginary mom and say "oh how I missed you, you have been gone too long." Then I would hear my grandma's footsteps, I would race back to bed, and pretend to be looking at my picture book. She would update me on how much longer it would be until mom would be home and tell me to be a good girl. When I hear my mom come through the door and place her suitcase down, I tossed my book aside, and slid deep under the sheets. As her footsteps approached I tried to make my eyelids as smoothly sleep like that I could, peeking of course to see when she entered the room. Her shadow appeared at the entry way and there she stood, and wasn't she beautiful I did my dramatic greeting, minus the speech about her being gone for too long and instead just buried my head in her tummy. I remember the smell, she has such a pretty perfume, and many times she was away I would spray her perfume on my pillow or arm just to help me fall asleep when she was gone. That I can honestly, but painfully say is one of my very very few memories of my mom as a child. I remember being young, but it seemed inside me there was something different than the kids at school, and than what I led on to my family. I would play kitchen and mock how my grandma would tidy up before my great grandma would visit. In side I would be so serious and really thought that I was cleaning my "kitchen" for company. Then my grandma asked what I was doing... I said so grown up and just like her "I am cleaning up, because mom is coming over." (talking about great grandma) She laughed and commented on how cute or silly or something like that, and I immediately was devastated...I thought I was helping. It was things like this that were just so odd when I look back on them. I was so upset because I hated being a child being thrown in my face, and thats exactly how I felt even then!? I was five maybe six, why would I care, I was a child. That is not the only instance that I remember being a child offending me...........

Anyway i will add to this post later...trust me there is much more I want to write about. Thanks for reading.

May 20th

Sorry for the generic title.

Yesterday was a depressing day yet again, but it wasn't depressing all the time all day...which was quite confusing. I was hyper and "manic". I wanted to make loud noises, pinch, poke and irritate my husband...I even went into my 8 year old sisters room at 11pm jumped on her to wake her up and then, she looks at me so sweet and darling and says I love you sissy...man did I feel bad...and do I know why I did this other than a sudden uncontrollable urge?? Nope, no idea. I just have these urges...I know most people don't understand why I cant just walk away or control these feelings, but it makes my stomach hurt and my head spin if I don't. Crazy? Yea, I know it is. Also, Last night I planned a budget for the next 3 months, it took me 5 hours to completely work it out and I still wasn't sure it was perfect...but I wanted it to be. I didn't fall asleep until after 3 last night and woke up at 7:30....whew...but I couldn't go back to sleep. Instead I became compulsive about trying to figure out whether i just need to suck it up and try to work or if ssi is the way to go. Work is more immediate, SSI could take awhile IF I even get approved. The thing about work is I just don't know that I am ready or that I can handle it???! I know I talk about this a lot, but it really does scare me. I know that some days I can handle work...but I also know some days I just can't. I realize that medication it supposed to stabalize my moods, but in my experience lately and in the past with medication...my vision is impacted, my balance, and even my mind wanders into nothing land. All reasons driving and working too long could be potentially bad or worse could trigger something. I just dont know. I have no courage to talk to my therapist or pdoc about this stuff....I just get so nervous and afraid of being judged or being "laughed at", even if it is in their heads...it is still going on, and it hurts me to know that is what they are thinking. Blahh enough with the race track of thoughts here. Tonight I am going to see a ballet with a friend and my little sister...I am hoping this will lighten my mood, but crossing my fingers it won't send me into full mania. Today my medicine dosage was increased 100mg...soooo we shall see what the difference may be.

Love you my loyal readers....Stay well and talk to ya later.

What is it about Doctors Appointments?

OK, so all week I have felt like shit! I have been on the verge of suicide, mental breakdown, and complete and utter despair. I have a therapist appointment tomorrow...and guess what??! Just guess??! I don't feel nearly as bad as I have been! Not even close! What the hell! I can never go in crying or upset, because I always feel better before I go! So they don't actually ever get to see me when i am depressed or upset...which 90 percent of the time I am! It just so happens, these appointments land right in the middle of my plateau in my cycle...so I am debating on whether I should bring my blog with me tomorrow, so she can read exactly what goes on in my whirling mind. What do you guys think? (I may be hospitalized if I show her these recent entries)

Gahh.....What to do?

Tornado in My Brain

Ok, So I stayed up all night last night, crying. I thought I was feeling better and then it hit me. I am so anxious, worried, and sick over this house buying business with my husband, that I am literally filled with fire...I have such heartburn it is crazy. I am completely incapable of calming my racing thoughts. I am so exhausted from my crazy brain, yet I just cant relax! I am beginning to wonder what on Earth I am doing here?! I have ruined my life in so many ways and did this only in a matter of less that 4 years...(since I turned 18). I take the wrong turn with every move I make. I make the worst decisions when I make them on my own...and my husband doesnt like to tell me no...well I neeeeeeed him to tell me no sometimes...I really do.

Anyway my mood is outrageously out of whack today...I am sad, ANGRY, confused, lethargic, and frankly I am ready to sleep for the next 100 years...please, just let me rest! I cant take my mind anymore...its like I am in there but I am inside a tornado...my rational, intelligent, sane me is in there its just being washed out by all these crazy ideas, emotions, and out of whack reality. I want to SCREAM, or punch someone...Gah...please make it stop!

Racing Suicide Ideations

(JUST SO EVERYONE IS AWARE I HAVE NO INTENTION OF HARMING MYSELF I AM EXPRESSING SOME THINGS THAT HAVE BEEN RUNNING THROUGH MY MIND THATS ALL NO WORRIES) read below my other blog from today to see some of the triggers of these feelings....

This morning I woke up, racing thoughts of death. I have all these ideas what I would say in a note and how I would do it if i were going to. The thing is I am too terrified to do any traditional self harming way. I really am to scared, it makes me mad that even that I have no control over.

Some of the thoughts I had this morning was, not the....razor, knife, water, rope, pills....I would have to force myself into a dangerous situation to actually succeed. A situation so dangerous, only a miracle who save me. Like, jumping in front of a train, after its too late to stop, jumping out of a plane with no parachute (highly unlikely to ever happen), driving my car off of a bridge with all doors lock and the keys thrown out the window with the child protection on windows rolled up, getting lost in the mountains with no supplies, these kinds of things...nothing that I could actually do of course..I may leave with every intention, but by the time I get there...nope I would panic and back out. The thing about it is...right now I know I couldn't do these things...but in my mind...I have always felt I would die young, and sometimes I feel like I know I will commit suicide give the right time, mind set, and opportunity. I have never reached total rock bottom, I have come damn near close, but I have never been to a point where I could actually end it all..no matter how much I think I want to or need to...I have never been able to actually feel bad enough to do it. But that doesn't stop the reel in my head from running each of these scenarios over and over again....the exact details of each incident, the looks on people's faces, the pain....it runs wild in my mind the past two days...and I can't stop the thoughts from coming. I know I sound nuts. I think about these things it makes my adrenaline rush...and then all I wanna do after that is read...i am mentally and physically exhausted.

I am Sick, get used to it!

The world around me seems a blur the past couple of days. I am sitting here in this real world, this real life, this real body....yet I feel like I am behind a window looking in. I feel like the world around me has become so unfamiliar. Its like looking through binoculars you see something you know its real, but you also know its too far away to do anything about whatever it is your looking at.

Anyway, a friend of mine texted me today...well she wants to hang out and has been hinting around hanging out for a couple weekends now. She has expressed to me before about other friends making excuses and not just saying to her "I don't wanna go." So since that conversation...I have been rather afraid of telling her just why I cant or don't feel like it. To her it will only be an excuse. How do I explain to someone I am sick today...if I obviously have nothing "physically" wrong, no flu, no cold, no tumors, etc....but someone with Cancer could easily say I am having a bad reaction to treatment today or I don't feel like it today I am too weak...and it would be perfectly acceptable and even maybe bring that said person to feel bad for them (rightfully so) but how is this any different. I AM SICK, I DON'T FEEL GOOD, MY MEDICATIONS AREN'T WORKING YET, I AM HAVING THOUGHTS OF SUICIDE PLEASE LEAVE ME TO REST....it is an illness and one that doesn't completely go away. Sooo, my choices are offend her potentially and just say "I don't feel good" (thought bubble EXCUSES EXCUSES), or I can make her mad and push her away even more and just ignore her. Either way I am judged, I hurt or make someone mad, and both ways I am not understood.

So again I am faced with the dilemma, that I cannot lead a normal life. How is it possible, I am constantly having to explain myself, be it doctors, employers, the government, family, friends, EVERYONE! It gets so old and annoying. I almost just wanna say forget everyone, as sad as it makes me it would be so much simpler that dealing with this shit everyday. It's so exhausting, to explain why all the time...because its to the same people over and over. Let me ask a few questions for a change! How about: "Why cant you get it through your tiny pee brains and skulls that, I AM SICK? Why cant you instead of asking me all the time why why why, read a book or an article about it??? Why, If it concerns you so much, dont you go to the support groups for family and friends I have told you about???? or, Why is it so hard to just be a good friend or relative and just understand that this is who I am, take it or leave it?" I know the answer to all of these questions....its because the really DON'T CARE (and are lying saying that they do) or they DON't BELIEVE ME.

I love my friends and I love my family, but why cant they see they are killing me faster than Bipolar itself??????

The Bleak Road Ahead of Me...OH Joy!

For months now I have been on this path to "wellness". Despite my hard work and efforts I find myself in a familiar place, yet again. I may have been diagnosed only a year ago with Bipolar disorder, but I have been this way for so long...oh but, yay! I have a debilitating name to go with it now.

The past couple of days have been me reading, educating myself, about this genetic deformity in my brain. It is a relief in some sense that it has medical reasoning behind it and I am not making it up or alone in the matter...but at the same time it is absolutely devastating to read things and see examples of these horrific truths. These truths are things I never dreamed of.

Bipolar never is cured with or without meds, only regulated WTF? Never knew that. Some of my behavior is psychotic? WTF? That that was just part of who I am...psychotic??! As I read down a legit check list of symptoms and the categories that come along with them...I start checking the things i experience and suddenly down the page i see nothing but black check marks?! Am I really this bad, this far gone, this CRAZY?!

Okay, so I read for two days finished a book, started another....then I decided to write my letter for my pdoc, an assignment he gave my first session. He wanted me to list my symptoms, how they make me feel, and examples. Yes, please doctor send me into a whirlwind of emotions....anyway i start to go back to that checklist write them on paper...and think back on my life recent and long ago...and well damn I have a story for all of them...how do I write this on paper? All of it??! How do i even express some of this shit? Will he even read this all the way through? So it began...

Dr.X,

You asked that I write my symptoms and how they make me feel. I took this assignment seriously. I have read articles, blogs, and books about my disorder. I compared my symptoms to what I read, and I came up with a list. Of course, some of my experiences with these symptoms do differ from the ones i have read in the book. I talked a lot of this over with my husband to be sure I listed every possible ailment I experience.

Since I was young I have always been criticized for not being "normal". I was teased and bullied, not only by classmates, but friends and close family. MY anxiety, fears, paranoia, emotional swings, loud outbursts of yelling, crazy laughter for no reason, and struggle to concentrate, were all contributors to this relentless teasing, scolding, and comprehension in my young life.

As I have gotten older these symptoms increased, as well as multiplied into more complex and different symptoms than before. The symptoms that have developed more slowly and later in my life are as follows: all of the above listed plus...extreme sexuality (masturbation and premature sexual commitment in new relationships, including cheating or cheating thoughts etc.), inability to finish projects for school (including reading), hypochondria, overwhelming feelings, "strange" thoughts and ideas, delusions, night terrors that result in waking hallucinations that can last anywhere from 10 seconds to 10 minutes, self mutilation, physically abusive behavior towards family, friends, and my spouse, wreck less driving (induced by rage, sadness, or excitement), suicidal thoughts, ideas, and planned attempts, outrageous spending (maxing credit cards), rash decision making, racing thoughts, clouded thoughts including confusion, sleepless nights or excessive sleeping, pessimism, hopelessness, sadness, crying outbursts, screaming fits, lack of interest, lethargy, urges to annoy people- to a compulsion (singing, calling repeatedly even at odd hours, making obnoxious noises and animal sounds, pinching, poking, etc) to the point where i literally am in pain if i dont do these things, lack of interest in anything ( now to the point where i have almost no interests or hobbies)..........

I then stop...look at my husband and fall into tears. I am suddenly stricken again with the reality of all this. I cry loudly and without want for consoling. "I am so angry! Why do I have to do this?! Everyday, its the same...I have to consider my bipolar in every aspect of my life, in ever decision that i make! I have to take my meds everyday, follow up with doctors, make plans around doctors and med refills. I have to everyday be reminded that I am defective because everyday this medication shoves the reality of it all down my throat!! Its never ending, despite all my efforts it will never go away. The meds I am on now, are taking their time and may not be working at all, the side effects drive me crazy! If this is true than more waiting will be in place, more time to sit unemployed with no income, no life, and for what?! What is the point?! Why is this happening to me or to anyone? It isn't Fair!! My life will never be anything more than a guessing game, and a constant eggshell race to the end. I am terrified to work, and don't even know who would take me with the limitations and hesitations I have, the temper I have or the poor work ethic I recently have acquired. Why should I bother, I have already messed up this life, no I take it back Bipolar messed my life up, not seeing signs sooner, not telling the truth the first go around....I have ruined every potential I have. I doubt I will be accepted for disability, why would I be!? What is the point of moving forward, so I stabilize, so what? I still have the inevitability that I will swing one way or another at some point, and who knows what that will come with. My dreams have been flushed down the toilet, along with my will to carry on. I am afraid of being old!? When I am old I will be homeless, I haven't put years into work force, there for no retirement, no savings, no SSI. Just another reason to end it before it gets even worse. I look down this bleak empty road I face..and ask myself why even bother, WHY?! I am so sick of this everyday, everyday, everyday...I am nothing, but a useless body that needs support at every angle of life. I at times feel like I am just a vessel filled with evil, and no soul. I dont even know if I want to be "fixed" and stabilized...when that happens I become a drone...in denial of everything I know to be true at this moment right now...I don't want to forget this anger... I want to remember how angry insurance, doctors, nay sayers, and the government makes me....because the moment I am reprogrammed with medication and therapy I will become their ideation of normal! I want to remember, yet I would rather not exist at all." My husband tells me, if you kill yourself you will just be another statistic...and I said "maybe that will be the one statistic to open their eyes!" truth is it wont be nothing ever will. I said maybe thats what everyone else needs, a sense of this eye opening truth i feel inside of me about the world about the healthcare system, about it all...maybe then people would stand up together for what is right and what is true! Things might get done. Maybe this is ridiculous to think, but it is so real in my head and so true...how can 30 minutes a month tell the doctor who i am, or an hour a month for the therapist? How will this tell them what I feel everyday, what I go through, how can they possibly see how in depth this is for me? When I go to the doctor, I am so anxious I cant even share things like I can here or at home with my husband, I cant even cry. I am overwhelmed with stress and anxiety of the appointment my mind goes blank..Anyway, long story short...What is the point of going on, if there is only more of this to look forward to?

Damn Meds

I shared in my last entry, some of the inner most depressive thoughts that I have. I am sorry if I was harsh. Nothing I have said is aimed towards my awesome readers. I am just so freaking frustrated with my life and the majority of the people in it. I am pissed because I feel I have no control. Things terrifying my right now:

1. Buying our first home...process has been stressful and to be quite honest we cant afford it, but we have no choice. (no comments please about "oh you shouldnt do that..." because believe me its much more complicated than it seems.)

2. I struggle with the idea of going back to work. I never have the same outlook two days in a row. Some days I wanna work right away and get back in the game. The very next day I will be terrified to even think about putting in an application. We cant go one with one income anymore, but I just CANT do it right now. I am not old enough for SSI because i havent put enough years in, I know there is some sort of SSI I could get, but i need a doctor to help me get it approved...one i am afraid to ask about it, two i hate giving up.

3. I am quitting smoking because the new meds I am on. (Just started meds, just started therapy, and just saw Psychiatrist thru free psych program in my state) It makes me sick to eat, sick to smoke, sick to drink, I cant have alcohol, I cant have caffeine, the sugar makes me wanna puke.....what vice is left...not to mention I cant drive while taking this medication!? Soo...work again how is that gonna work out? My vision is bad distance wise bc of these meds, and most strangely I am confused and cloudy in my head...I couldn't remember a good friend of mines name who i have known for the better part of 4 years....!

4. Thoughts about heavy drugs...I have become curious...no no I haven't ever nor so i plan to try them or even know how i could try them...I am just very curious...I hear many Bipolars get into drugs...there must be some reason or correlation of it helping with symptoms?

5. I read an article today that made me extremely upset...and almost confirmed that I am possessed by something of the devil....it gave me goosebumps and made me want to check under the bed...it was creepy as hell read it if you get a chance, it made me absolutely sick to my stomach(beware bipolars this was a trigger for me): http://thebipolarspouse.com/2009/10/08/interview-with-bipolar-disorder/

6. I am struggling to get through to my family...and I am a constant nuisance to my husband it seems....I just want to pull my hair out and put a bullet in my head...I can please no one and its like being trapped inside this mind it killing me!

7. MONEY MONEY MONEY....there just isnt any how I have stretched what we do have as far as I have is beyond me and I dont know how we can continue to survive once we are homeowners....piss!

Anyway, I wish I had a huge screw driver loaded with more vodka than juice, a nice cigarette, a good cd, and a boat to sail away on......fuck me... Im medicated and I feel worse.

Here Today, Gone Tomorrow

Ok, so here it goes. yes maybe tomorrow i will forget too all that i have said today, maybe for a moment i will feel joy, but dont you fear...it will all come back again...it always does, it always will, and as i read even once this therapy i have started goes heavy on its way and even when my new meds begin to take effect it isnt a end all fix all...it comes back just not as often...what a joy to look foward to eh? what a joy. I am not sure what i have spewed about lately....I don't feel like rereading my posts, but I am ready to share. The past month or so have been a whirl wind of emotion and cycling. Lately I have been so busy I haven't even had to time to really reflect on what has been going on. I went on a trip with the ladies in my family a "generations" trip if you will, and to my everyone's surprise i was able to pass it off as though i was perfectly normal. Two weeks i spent with woman who do not understand me, not for lack of trying....(at times)...Only one of these women listen to what i am saying without getting angry or defensive. I am not sure if she says things when i am not around about my behavior or what i share with her, but she seems to really care what i have to say. Like, with everyone else though, she too has a point that the venting becomes a nuisance to her. As I said two weeks of pretending to be normal, for the sake of saving family face. Inside my insides churned and boiled, at times pure ache took over. I would get a dreadful migraine and a stomach ache only cured with alcohol or smoking. It was as if I was soring above myself watching the pitiful act that I was putting on. It was a zombie version of myself. The smiling, the courtesy, the false laughter and interest i showed....all a joke, a false version of what was really going on inside. On the way home I lost it...cooped with no release, no internet support groups or my husband to vent to. I just went crazy....we stopped at a small restaurant right out side chicago....it was pack...I walked in and immediately the wheels started turning: "Everyone is looking at me, they are judging me, oh god there are people my age here, what could they be thinking (disgusting, ugly, fat, bitch, she has no right to be here), is that man staring, did she just laugh at me" oh god the stomach ache and the pounding heart beat i could feel in my fingers, my feet, my chest, even my ears...it was too much to handle, i raced back to the car...needing to pee so badly, but i didn't care i would pee in a bottle if i had to. My mom comes back out and scolds me for not using that restroom...I explained i couldn't go back in there and told her she didn't understand...again she scolds and tries to reason with me...i go nuts my face turns purple with anger and i scream "I Won't!" "I CANT", "Take me somewhere else" We argue some more and continue to fight...then i am told that "Bipolar cannot always be your excuse for this ridiculous behavior." "AHHHHH" I yell " I SAID nothing about bipolar" "I am having a panic attack!" She pulls into a gas station i run in pee and come back the whole time wondering what the three of them could be saying about me....I get in the car more shit is thrown at me and anger rushes through me I begin to pound on my face with my fist...I felt nothing...not an ounce of pain. Then i feel a smack across the back of my head, my grandmother slammed a rolled up newspaper or something of the same volume across my head and she says to me to stop being unreasonable and stupid. I turn back at her feeling more out of my body than ever and i growl like a mangy animal and then scream "you do that again and i will not be responsible for what happens!" the car grows silent...I am then alone it feels in a car with four other people i am in the front seat with the one person that pissed me off the most. I begin to reach inside myself and decide it is the time to end it. It is the time to just say good bye. I must, I cant take it anymore, so i felt. in my head these thoughts raced: "No one will ever hear what i am saying, what is the point of explaining if they just wont listen, What is the point of going on, how can i lead a life where i have to pretend i am ok, whilst inside i am screaming and scratching my way out, how will i ever be a mom, do i even want to, how can i face my life when i am not only not allowed to show how i feel or explain it but i cant even just be left alone, this jacket i am wearing wouldn't it be a nice fit just tight enough around my neck to stop it all, stop these forceful angry thoughts i have, stop this meaningless life, bring this pain and devastation to an end...why must i go on when there is no point, what reason was there to make straight a's in school, when all i am now is a big fat no body, what point is it to live here knowing we all die, knowing that after death there may or may not be anything afterward, will i go to hell if there is one for saying that, how can i believe in anything when i feel this way, no matter how hard i want to i cant be normal, i cant cope i cant deal, no one will truly understand, yes it is time to say goodbye, it is time that i put everything i love into a box and bury it and with my suicide not i shall leave a map, and if they care enough they will dig it up and find that what i care about is a photo of all of them, a book or two, and my wedding rings....yes what a selfish person i must be....selfish indeed...." I go on with crazy thoughts and ideas inside me...I go on to prepare the letter of goodbyes in my head...and then i think "what if i just pretend im ok, and one day bam just when they think all of their frustration and angry words have "knocked" some "sense" into me, than well wont they be mistaken?" I still feel like that person i was in that car wrapped in my own arms counselling myself with pats and wiping my own tears away...that there is no point in life, at least not for me...I am a genetic jumble of all the terrible things in this world. I was given no purpose, no real meaning...as my mother says I am her "punishment". So maybe that in its self is my purpose...I am the hell that all the sinners in my life deserve maybe thats it? Maybe I am the work of something greater...only i can never feel the warmth of its love, because I am the darkness. Maybe thats just it. Maybe this is my purpose and that alone. Lets set aside my desire to be something great, lets set aside the hopes i had that i have slowly watched shatter, lets set aside my dear friends the very fact that i too am a person (at least this is how it seems)...you see i can chat about these fears and these feelings i have all day long...and at the end of the day those that read this and those i tell it to...will lie their heads down to dream their normal dreams and all i have said will be wiped clean from their memory...as i lie awake for the fifth sometimes sixth night in a row and watch them sleep...I have to live in this vessel...I have to live with this pain..and when i wake up I CANT forget...as they do as you will too...I am a torture chamber in and of myself. Whilst i suffer in my head, you all go on to lead lives at a normal pace and forget the importance of what i say...just because i stop talking when i see the boredom in your eyes...doesnt mean i got it out and now i am better...it doesnt mean things are gonna be ok...its a constant struggle a constant battle! Just because i am silent and I smile doesnt mean I am ok! yes maybe tomorrow i will forget too all that i have said today, maybe for a moment i will feel joy, but dont you fear...it will all come back again...it always does, it always will, and as i read even once this therapy i have started goes heavy on its way and even when my new meds begin to take effect it isnt a end all fix all...it comes back just not as often...what a joy to look foward to eh? what a joy..what adventures i have to look forward to.

MANIA!

Bipolar Mania has struck again! I am going CRAZY....i cant sit still and i am wired!

alot has been going on, i think i am overwhelmed more later when i can calm my nerves.

"Bipolar is all in my head"_- So says you!

I am so sick and i mean SICK, of family and friends that seem to think that whats going on with me is all in my head. Like it is something i make up. Seriously, why would anyone and i mean ANYONE want to feel like this!? I also love the fact that these same nay sayers, are the first to accuse my bad moods or cranky behavior on BP disorder !!! I mean hell! I am entitled to have a normal pissy mood be it PMS or whatever the hell i feel like at the time!

My dad seems to think my diagnosis is just me wanting a reason to be lazy and even said that i just am a spoiled brat and don't want to grow up! Let me elaborate...the ass was hardly "there for me other than Sunday afternoons and child support...he has no idea what "growing up" was like for me. I was on my own from the time i started working at 16 until the end of last year....i had my manic break and well now i am home again. I never wanted to be dependent on anyone...and i hate myself everyday for my failures, debt, and mistakes. I never wanted to be this pathetic shell i have become and i resent the fact that he thinks I WANT THIS! ? I long to be normal, to be healthy, and happy. Every time that seems attainable i make another mistake and it all comes crashing down. I have rushed into things all my life and i blame...my childhood. I wanted out so bad i didn't care what i had to do to get out of my parents home. I lived with my mom, grandparents, and my step dad, since as far as i can remember. And well things just werent easy. thats a story for another day.

I was telling my grandma about my recent successes in Support Groups with DBSA and how i admired that so many people say LIVING with BP, as opposed to just plain diagnosed bipolar....and she goes....What ?! -I said Like what people with cancer and aids say...she said i understand but why would they say that..what ever it is you have doesn't compare to those types of diseases....almost like how dare they say things like that! *OUCH**

I struggle with suicidal thoughts and mania...i want to die and BP is often fatal bc of suicide. I never want to fall like that again but it could happen and if i feel like i want to say i am LIVING WITH BP, because i deserve it with all the work i have put forth toward my recover than i damn well can! I am LIVNG WITH BIPOLAR! As hopeless as it feels i want to continue my life.

It hurts that some of the people i love the most deny my honesty...but at least i am not alone in knowing that it is real!

Today life has felt hopeless and i have felt so sad and alone...i feel the slip coming near, all i want to do is hold on to the last bit of sanity i have left.

thanks for reading!

Mania and Depression

Well the past few weeks have been nothing but a roller coaster of emotion for me. One day high on life, the next so sad i cant get out of bed. Nothing really new to mention, but I have had some tough days...today was a cheerful day and i hope that it stays that way for a while. I typically beat my depressive state by staying busy...but i found myself so busy i was overwhelmed and got very depressed. I went on a trip to the beach with some friends...though it was very nice, i came back feeling so much worse about myself than i had when i left. A woman actually thought that i was the mother of my friend who is in fact older than me. I felt like a whale and just disgusting every time i looked in the mirror...I drank a few times while i was there and I have never felt so suicidal. I try not to share with friends, because though they want to they dont understand...and even when they do listen i at times feel that they are sick of hearing it. I am tried of being a burden on the ones i love. I am trying...and i truly just want to get in to see a doctor, but either the money isn't there or their non insured appointment times are completely full! I have even contacted a DBSA support group only to find dead ends and no one will call or email me back! i feel like i am suffocating in a never ending roller coaster ride. I just want to stop and just breath but it seems impossible. I am tired, worn out, and frankly fed up. I am not suicidal right now at this moment, but can feel myself getting closer to that self mutilating point. I am doing everything i know to do to stay away from that, but I am becoming more helpless it seems to my condition. Though i am for healthcare reform...I am soo confused how it will help me! ?

I hope everyone knows, I haven't been avoiding you or not reading blogs to be rude...just really i haven't even felt like writing my own feelings down. As I have stated before I cant even differentiate what i am feeling moment to moment at times....Any ideas what i can do...I feel at my wits end! HELP! I dont want another week of emotion like this one has been.

grr

pissed and having a tremendously bad day...want to write but i cant find the strength...

I am still Alive

Yes i am still here. I just have been keeping myself VERY busy this past week or so and plan to keep it that way. When i get to a low point count on me to be here to tell about it. As for right now i am feeling pretty good. As we all know that doesnt always last very long....so I will enjoy it while it lasts.

Hope everyone is well over the next couple days im going to catch up on whats been new with you :P

Love

New with Me

Ok, as you all know, my birthday was Monday. I got a digital voice recorder, something i have been wanting for like ever. It has been my buddy for the past couple days. I have been chatting it up with well, myself..using this recorder. Its another outlet, other than this blog. I do want to share some of my thoughts from the past few days, one to keep everyone updated on my emotional being and two so I can continue to have a record of my emotions..so when the time comes I can remember to share with my doctor.
I went with my dad and my husband to see that new movie Shutter Island. Like so many movies with similar, I guess the word would be themes??, (movies that make you think ALOT or trigger racing thoughts for me) it made my mind go nuts. It triggered alot of emotion and even tears. Alot of the thoughts I was having had alot to do with my illness. One of the characters in the movie had manic depression...and not to ruin the ending for anyone who wants to see it...but she drowns her kids...and its almost like with her its a game of pretend like what she did wasn't bad. Not that I feel i would ever do anything like this, but I am going to admit to all of you that I have some really really disturbing thoughts sometimes. They are even disturbing to me sometimes...I have never shared with anyone really about the detail of these thoughts, especially not a doctor. I want to tell you...Please don't judge me, because they are just thought I have never acted on them...my fear though is even if that was just a movie...what if i did act on them...it wouldn't chant the fact that it was wrong. Some of these thoughts are like things like hurting other people especially when i am mad at that person....I changed my mind i wont share in detail, but they are sometimes so bad i scare myself. I tried to talk to my husband about the feelings this movie gave me and the feelings that i get when i am having a "psychotic" moment (he slept thru the movie and our conversation :( .... ) But, maybe you can relate or just listen to what i have to say...When I am having a melt down such as: screaming , crying, pulling my hair out, hitting myself or whoever is closest to me at the time, throwing myself on the floor etc, It is like your brain is a circle and you cut it in half...the front half is me reacting crazily, thats the psychotic me...and then the back of my brain is the "sane" me sitting in a chair just observing telling myself to calm down, that I am acting like a complete fool...but its like that part of me has no control. Its not like split personalities..its just like I have thoughts that are contradicting and it seems that its always the bad thoughts that take over and control me. An example of this control is that...i think when i am having these breaks if i was holding scissors i think i could literally just stab myself all over and not feel pain...almost like the person in front of my brain would enjoy it and get release, but the one in back would be screaming NO or STOP....but the front always wins. Its almost like its better to act nuts than to let whatever is happening happen or continue...it feels so much better. Its like when the "tantrum" is over i feel almost refreshed and like nothing happened at all. This is one reason i know i need to go to see a doctor...and I am so afraid of going...not just bc of reasons i have given in the past posts, but also because i am so scared of medication. This is the example i give Mark...its like a person that is born with a sight problem (blurry vision)...they get older not knowing they see the world different than anyone else, because thats all they have ever known...but as time goes on people around them at school or home start to notice odd behavior...delayed reading, squinting etc....well the child is taken to the doctor he is fitted for glasses. When he receives these glasses its like seeing the world for the first time, just like everyone else...and there isn't a problem anymore. Its like with bipolar my thoughts have always been jumbled, scrambled, a mess, on one side or the other, or just opposite all the time changing. I just wish there were "glasses: for this disorder. I wish for one day i could think like some one without this condition. Then what someone might say is "well what about medicine?" My answer to that is, no matter if i am medicated or not...i still feel like something is missing...either i am off the wall in my thoughts and feelings or I am completely lethargic and blahh...either way this is not normal. While medicated i still have no motivation or even less than I did without it. The only thing that changes is that I sleep ALOT more and my thoughts slow down to almost no thoughts at all...spaced out almost, I'm not spastic or crazy, i'm just there, kind of a zombie if you will. Most people have something that gets them up in the morning, something they have to do or live for...medicated or not I never have that.

Sooo again these thoughts again have led me to thinking about the question...this chokes me up, makes me scared, bad to even feel this ways...could it be that someone like me..that has these bad thoughts about people that cross me or make me angry...could it be that someone like me that is vengeful and holds grudges...and hurts them self, and is so negative all the time whether i want to be or not...like am i meant to go to hell even though it feels like i don't mean it or want to be this way. Thats the thing thats weird...I almost feel like i do want to do it because of the release...then the other half just doesn't...like again I have no control....I mean thinking about when we die...people say your problems are gone no pain, suffering, or health problems, no worries everything is fixed all happiness, joy, warmth....if this is true could someone like me ever even exist in that world? Like, do i even have a real soul? I mean I am not ever one person...i mean i am me..but i am me interested in this or that or this or that...I am me who loves him or him or sometimes him, i am me all over the place...I am never one straight pathed person I am me everywhere...so if i have a soul...who is that person that will move on... I want to know her...i want to know who i am... i feel like i have no idea... from day to day i feel something different about everything...its always changing...from day to day i am a new emotion...its never the same. I have new beliefs everyday. Name it its different from day to day.Maybe i am just a bad person...maybe i am just F** up in the head.

I wish there was someone out there that i could meet in person nearby...that i could have to talk to that understands that knows...that i can relate to...someone that i can advocate for that can advocate for me...someone that i can call at 2am and cry and bitch and vice versa...someone that understands so i am not alone...I just want to talk and talk and talk and talk...its like all i can do everyday is just analyze everything...and then analyze my analyzations....there is a support group next week with NAMI, but thats for all types of disorders..depression, add, etc...i feel like it will be Woodridge all over again...the only one like me...surrounded by more people that dont understand...no one else who is bipolar.

more later....

21 Years

Today is my 21st birthday, I thought i would write something positive for a change or at least give a whack at it.

Twenty One Years , Twenty One Birthdays, and Resolutions
(note i wrote this a 230 in the morning so forgive me if i forget something or if it isnt the best grammar, i may add or change later...)

Isn't it amazing that on the day we were born that the slate is clean...no mistakes, no achievements, no decisions to make. We are fresh canvass waiting to be painted. In our lives it is inevitable that we will color outside the lines with mistakes, but it's also true that with the right color and stroke we can make each mistake blend with all our achievements, to create something beautiful. Without an artists own special touch a painting is worth nothing. Like art, each life is worth something to someone, and each has its own essence of beauty. I hope that even with all the dark smudges from twenty one years full of mistakes, that I can still create something beautiful to leave behind.

1989, March 1st - In the words of my mom, since i cant remember...."On this day...you my daughter was born on a very cold and icy morning. You were wrinkly and pink. You had a cute lil nose with lil white dots all over it, the prettiest blue eyes, and the sweetest little cry. Today you turn 21 and i still love you just as much as the day the doctor placed you in my arms." (thanks mom)
Isn't it amazing that on the day we were born that the slate is clean...no mistakes, no achievements, no decisions to make. We are fresh canvas waiting to be painted.

Here are some of the milestone birthdays, and years in my life...

8 birthdays ago- I was 13...So excited i couldn't sleep..that magical number that transforms a kind into a teenager...man was that an exciting day. I don't remember much about it except that i was excited. Not just that i was a teenage, but woot woot only 7 years to go until i was the much awaited adulthood. This was the last year I had without some guy messing up my life lol. This was one of the best years of school..and a great year with friends.
5 years ago- i was 16....what a day. I got my drivers license, my first job, my first experience with independence, met one of my best friends, and my first car. In this year of my life i manage to wreck my car twice, lose a childhood friend to a tragedy, and my first out of the country trip. Drama of the high school years, drama.
3 years ago- I was 18...Wow, was this awesome or what?! Definitely what you expect when you are 13. Its all dreams until this point, and when this magical number arrives reality hits. You are confronted with making your own decisions(something we fight our parents for and then wish they would do it for us once we have that control), college, full time jobs, bills, and adulthood. I remember all the calls and talks i go that day some were late some were early, but everyone wished me well and sang praises...I think i saved one of those messages in particular on my phone for over a year after that day. This was also the year i got my first apartment, my first "serious" adult relationship, cut all my hair off, went to my prom, my first vacation paid for by me, my first credit card (and 2nd and 3rd and so on :( ...) i met Mark ( now my husband)
1 year ago- I was 20...no longer a teen. During this year I was a new new newly wed, got my first rental house, at one point had 4 pets (down to one now), was diagnosed with bipolar, had major life changing events take place in my personal life, had a REAL conversation with my dad...even if it was only through written communication, was hospitalized, lost a friendship,rekindled with my husband, quit two jobs, withdrew from school, paid off three credit cards, saw my friend and cousin get married, experienced the saddest day watching my grandfathers last moments, lost another grandfather, and decided to take my life and make some serious changes...starting year 21 in my life.

My resolutions for the next year of my life:
(even if some are far fetched or bogus, it is better to have an unattainable goal, than no goal at all)
1. Join and stick with a support group.
2. Get established with a doctor and be completely honest with that doctor.
3. Get mentally healthy enough so I can help others like me to their journey.
4. Get physically healthy.
5. Stay healthy physically and mentally so I can be a better wife, daughter, grand daughter, sister, and friend.
6. Always write, write, write to release, never bleed.
7. Find one reason to be happy everyday, even if I have to make it up.
8. Focus
9. Pay off bills and save.
10.Get a house in Greeneville.
11.Find a hobby I can start, afford, and enjoy
12. Be creative.

Help

I am at my wits end. I am angry, frustrated, and ready to give up. Everyday is a constant battle with my family. They struggle to understand and i struggle to tell them. They get angry with me saying I should feel for them, because of the stress i bring to their lives. I am told that they are having as much of a hard time as I am. Oh really, last time i checked they werent the ones dealing with the symptoms. They arent the ones that long to be normal, that wish everyday wasnt a new battle with symptoms, people, emotions....I know its hard for them, but god why must i add that guilt to my already full plate. I do feel bad for the way I am but why should i...is it really my fault? I am told that i just refuse to be postive, that its in me i just wont let it out. Is this also true, am i missing something? I am sorry but just because i smile or laugh doesnt mean the pain is gone or that these thoughts arent still lingering...just because i seem to be happy doesnt mean im not just trying to be..... When i have a good day you know, because I talk about it, I delight in it and i hold it tight for as long as i am able...i wish and pray that it wont end...that i can feel happy like that all the time...but i cant make it stay and inevitable truth is that it wont stay it cant. So while i sit here bawling my eyes out, alone, angry, confused, and even more upset than when i started writing this, wishing to God i was dead...they have each other to talk to and relate to...who the hell do i have to hug me and say i understand?! who? I am tired of feeling alone...i am tired of being the only person in my life who has anything remotely close to this problem. I hate it... I am so sick and tired of this bullshit. I just want to scream MAKE IT STOP! and I AM SORRY I AM SUCH A FUCK UP!
Alone, sick, crying, hysterical, literally about to just give up and give in...I am so done... I really really am.

Feeling Very Down and No Control

I have never been a small girl. Other than when I was a baby. I had always managed to stay under 180 through out school...when i graduate and started college i gained the typical 10-15 pounds. When my doctor put me on my first anti-psychotic meds...i gained a whopping 35 pounds in ONE month. I had never in all my life felt as disgusting, fat, and uncomfortable as i did at that point. I have always had a low self esteem,but that topped the highest notch. I then weighed 230 pounds. Even people that were around me everyday noticed the difference and would ask if I was okay. I was steadily gaining a pound or more a day, not even changing my eating habits. I was lost and my psychiatrist didn't care. It wasn't until i literally threw a tantrum in his office before he would change my meds. Sure enough i lost 10 of the 35 i gained, almost immediately after changing meds. Still i remained at 225+ pounds. I gained not only weight but stretch marks! I never had an issue with stretch marks until that happened. Now I am covered in them. I hate my body so much more than i ever have before. Lotions, vitamins, and now diet...I am slowly losing the weight, down to 216, but the stretch marks just take any glory i feel from the weight loss. I will go to the bathroom to take a shower look at myself and want to just break down and cry, and sometimes I do. I won't even let my husband watch me change clothes, I cant stand the sight of myself, and I don't want any thought rolling around in his head that might be judgmental of me. I guess my point is not only do i feel like my insides are disgusting and flawed, but my outward appearance as well. I feel absolutely repulsive all around. It is almost like I have no choice in any aspect of my life...1.my money situation...I blame myself, for having the bipolar that contributed to it (the credit card maxing on mania, the quitting jobs on mania, quitting school mania, and my fault for quitting meds, lying to my doctors,etc) 2. My weight...I have PCOS (another thing i am not on my medication for), Depression I have no motivation, obesity runs in my family, Bipolar, was on meds that cause weight gain..all those things cause this weight and/or makes it harder to get it off. 3. Medical Care...I have no choice because i have no insurance i have to take what is offered. 4. Food...the one thing that makes me feel better, safe, happy...i cant choose what i eat because i want to loose weight and i am on a diet. 5. Babies...I want babies...but one it would be selfish for many reasons...my bipolar, my husbands mom history of bipolar, I dont want a kid growing up with that kind of genetics or with a mom that cant even get it together half the time, it would also be selfish because my husband and i cant provide for it anyway be it money or a bedroom...we have neither...
I just feel like nothing in my life has purpose, I have no control of anything, I cant have any dreams come true that i had for myself, I feel like this illness is taking over and no matter how hard i fight it its going to get me in the end.
I am gonna share a "secret"...every time I watch a movie where there is suicide..and i have seen a few that steamed from bipolar disorder...I cry, I panic and I cant stop thinking to myself that that is my inevitable fate......and even if it isn't? What is my purpose? I bring stress to all around me, I make mistake after mistake after mistake, and i just feel I am in a whirl wind that won't stop. I wish this was all a bad dream and i could just wake up.
Earlier I touched on this, but my question is: Without Bipolar Disorder, what defines me? Who am I without my illness? What is the real me? What are my true dislikes and likes? What is my real personality underneath it all? Am i defined by Bipolar or is that just who i am ? I am sorry for all my posts today and all the rambling and negativity....but i can definitely feel a bottom to this down coming soon...and i don't if this time i can get back up. It seems the whole world is caving in and i am screaming and no one is there to listen or hear me. excuses they may be, but its truly how i feel.

Doctors, Diagnosis, Fear, and Working

Ok, so there is this place about 30 minutes from where i live that accepts patients with no insurance, but you have to call at 8am...for a same day appointment. I have a few drawbacks...one they do a sliding scale based on income...my husband is the only one that works, all of his paycheck has to go to bills or we wont make it...they are not going to see it this way and still want us to pay at the very least 20 dollars, plus prescriptions.
Second drawback, I have a dreadful sleep schedule and half the time I am just hitting the hay at 8am.
Third drawback, I am afraid. i am absolutely terrified of going back to see a psychiatrist. I am not so afraid of the therapist part, but the actual doctor...yea i am scared shitless. The last man i saw, was so mean. I know mean is an understated preschool word, but he was. I felt two inches tall while sitting in front of him. I felt judged, laughed at, hated, and worst of all like he didn't believe a word I said. He never even gave me a true diagnoses. He said we are treating you for bipolar...almost like he didn't want to give it a name...but that he had to call it something...no type of bipolar no extra pieces of diagnosis..nothing. He always acted put upon for having to write scripts and for having to write a letter for me to be able to go back to work. He even expressed his dislike towards me and I continued to go because i like my therapist, and i couldn't see my therapist if i didn't stay with his practice. He even would get angry with me if i shared things with my therapist that i didn't with him...umm, HELLOOO i got 20 minutes with him and an hour with my therapist...he would accuse me of lying to him and would say so smugly "How can i help you if you are going to lie to me every time we meet?" Every time i had an appointment with him I would feel nauseated...scared even to open my mouth. I never felt comfortable and i never felt like i could be completely honest with him.
I just really don't want another experience like the one i had. I am afraid.
The other thing i am scared of is working again. On Meds...i space out..i move slow, i cant keep up, i feel like people are talking to me through a tunnel, I don't preform well at all. Off meds, i cry hysterically before going to work to the point my husband wont even let me drive so i am late or don't go in at all, I get so angry while i am at work, I back talk superiors and even customers, I will even appear crazy when i talk to myself....yea i know i'm retarded i talk to myself....before going into work i just dread it, before i cry, i just think of different scenarios and i stress myself out, i get a headache, stomach ache and i want to run in the house cry and go back to bed...the thought of work is unbearable to me. If and when i get to work all i think is "they are judging me" i drive myself crazy adjusting my clothes, talking under my breath, watching everyone around me, every move they make, I cant stand it...i feel like everyone is watching me...then it feels like someone is sitting on my chest and it gets really hard to breathe...especially when its crowded or loud. Is this normal? Does everyone feel this way about work..how do they work through it if they do...? I hate that my husband has to provide for me...he has given up things to work to provide for me...I feel like a failure, a leech, a parasite, incompetent...and this is with or without meds. Read on if you want to see how i go to the point i am now....
[The story of how I got unemployed and without doctor supervision...long story short
I had been cutting..first time ever started when i was 20...It got worse when i was put on lithium...i was seriously contemplating suicide...I was put on medical leave at work.....i admitted myself to a mental hospitol for a week...i got out decided i didn't want this anymore...i quit my job got, lost my insurance, lied to my psychiatrist that i was feeling much better since my wonderful experience at the hospital (which was full of drug addicts not one person with an illness like me), quit seeing the therapist and psych (no insurance), Quit my meds (no doc, insurance, or refills), went back to the university, got a part time job, had a horrible manic depressive mood quit going to class, withdrew from school quit my new job...and the rest...history...this is where i am today...my husband and i live with my parents, because we lost out rental house when i lost my job, he works a job that pays only a small amount more than minimum wage... we have no insurance, he gets less than 40 hours a week, I have no job, no schooling, no doctor, no life....I am pathetic and everyday feel the effects of my bad mistakes. I feel worthless. I now blog to keep myself busy and to relate with others. MY friends and family get sick of hearing my sob story and i guess i don't blame them.]
Sorry for all the posting today...just a lot on my mind...two posts may not be all...but i will try to hold back.

Family, Friends, and Other Stuff

Do you ever feel like people just do not want you around? I do. My friends often wonder why I am so down a lot of the time, why I am not always happy and ready to go out and do things. They wonder why sometimes I am not my silly self or why I am to tears over things that are "silly" to cry about. The moment though that I decide to explain it to them...they half listen, change the subject, or don't listen at all. Then after the conversation is finally over I then don't hear from them for a long while...its like when I am feeling up and happy thats when I have to call them, its never them calling to check in on me. (i take that back there is one friend that does worry from time to time and i appreciate that)But a majority of them only want the me thats wild and crazy and silly and weird....do they not realize thats mania? That's bipolar behavior also. Then its when I am on meds...they think i am supposed to magically feel better and be the me i am when i am happy manic...they are disappointed when i am blahh. I sit stare into space, feel so lethargic, nothing makes me happy or sad or angry, i am just "there". It's like this blog...they don't understand me...but they won't even take the time to read how i feel....its hypocritical "I want to know, but..." I wont read or listen to what you have to say.
As for my family...well...there are similar behaviors. There is the family i live near and am very close to and then theres the people I keep in touch with and see every summer. All of them notice things in me...notice somethings off about me, but only a few take interest...and none are without judgement. The ones that take interest think they are the all knowing God's of bipolar and what they think and know is the truth and that they know exactly what i need and what i feel...like i am a science projects to study! Even the people in this category will go as far as saying how much they understand, but when i have a swing, a moment, a trigger...its not because i am bipolar..or that that is just how i am its...."you are a baby", "you are immature", "you are a bitch", "grow up". I just want to scream! Why am I not an adult, because of the way i act in certain situations? I am pretty sure there are all kinds of "adults" and not all can be categorized the same. Who and what defines what an adult is? I am by no means using my illness as a scapegoat, but I know that a lot of my ways have a lot to do with it. As i have said in previous posts...where does bipolar start and end and where does "ME" begin? Where, who, what am I? Sometimes in family affairs i get so angry and i go public with my scoldings and hateful words...(Facebook) I will scold them all and be as mean as can be...inside i am yelling don't do that don't do that..you will cause problems, you will make someone mad or hurt or worse...but i do it anyway...i let my rage take over...(not saying i don't mean what i say, just that i could have kept it to myself) like is that me or my illness? Why cant i control it if it is me? OR is it simply that I am my illness???! If thats the case I don't know that it is worth living...I want to be someone with my own thoughts, my own mind, my own wants, likes and dislikes...not this jumble of a mess inside of me. When i do things like this I am then scolded...and ripped apart by the family members that don't care and don't see it for face value. The other thing i think is are they mad because its true or mad because i was so mean about it? I am accused of jumping to conclusions, being irrational, speaking out of turn, and other things...maybe thats true but at the time of writing it it just doesn't feel that way to me. That aside...overall i feel cast aside by my family and by my friends...like i am not welcome amongst them unless i put on a happy face, or I am medicated...(when medicated there is no face at all) they actually prefer me as a shell of myself...emotionless, quiet, tired, zombified. My dad even goes as far to say that I am making up my bipolar as an excuse to be and i quote "LAZY".
With this illness, can anyone really ever love "me"?? Is it possible? Am i just overacting?

Bipolar Awareness Ribbon

Ever notice how so many other illness have so much recognition and Bipolar isnt? It is almost as if it isn't real or important. I get that cancer and diabetes and such are all things to support, and they are deadly...but isn't bipolar also. I mean according to some places like ,http://www.bipolar-lives.com/bipolar-suicides.html, suicide rate amongst Bipolar people is 15% even up to 30% based on some studies which is more than 30 times the rest of the population. I think that is something to help support for new research, programs, and support groups. I mean it isn't even important enough for a ribbon! The closets thing to an awareness ribbon there is is the Light Green ribbon, where it is represented by category of mental illness, some sights don't even list that, not to mention we have to share the ribbon with so many other causes too like:Campaign for Open Adoption Records,Cerebral Palsy, Ecology/Environment,Glaucoma, Health, Kidney Cancer/Kidney Disease, Leukemia, Mental Health, Mitochondrial Disease, Missing Children, Neural Tube Defects, Organ & Tissue Donor, Ovarian Cancer, Prostate Cancer, and Recycling. I understand all these have to share the ribbon too..but why aren't creative ribbons made for each. The gay ribbon is a rainbow and it shares with no one, breast cancer has a solid pink that shares with no one, and even appendix cancer has its own color?! Not to be unsympathetic or to say these aren't important, but what makes them more important? I don't know maybe this is a stupid gesture, but man it kinda bothers me.

Control and Impulses

Sometimes I just get the urge to be "annoying" in all sorts of ways. Knocking on the wall at 2 am loudly, and then laughing. Or yelling anything from words to just noises. I find everything rude to be funny...and when I get the urge to do these things I "have" to do them. My husband says, "please control yourself", or "why can't you just stop?" It just isn't that easy. He thinks I am just being ridiculous when I tell him its really hard to do. Its like when i get the urge to do these things...and i don't do them my stomach starts to hurt, almost to the point of wanting to throw up a lot of the time, my head hurts something fierce, even my eyes with ache, and my ears will ring. When i give in to the urge it slowly goes away. Trust me I am always thinking about how its going to make someone mad and when i laugh they assume its done on purpose or to piss them off. I will admit that i do get a kick out of annoying people...and i don't know why. I mean sometimes I even just laugh uncontrollably at nothing and for no reason. What is strange...is I will get similar urges around people I don't know well or at all or while i am in public, but it is much easier to control and I don't feel those symptoms as much either. Is it all in my head? Anyway thats all I have really been thinking about today.

Btw slept great last night...took some sleeping pills....I hope i don't need them tonight.

Excuses and Life After Death and God

Last night i had decided i was going to stay up all night and day today to go to bed at a decent time tonight. Well, i failed miserably. I crashed at about 10am this morning. While I was awake, just before i fell asleep, i began to think again....about death. Why this topic is so often on my mind don't ask me, but it is.
This time i wondered...does God know i am bipolar? Or will he see it as an excuse...its like Gay people...some of them claim it is something they are born with...being gay is a sin, but so is some of the things I do as a bi polar person....Does God know that we cant help it? Does he overlook it? Or does he see it as an excuse? Is it an excuse? Just something that we make up to make us feel better about sin and bad behavior? Will we be cast to hell for being Bi polar? Am i handling it right, is it even real? Do I need to ask forgiveness for something i cant control? Is it a sin to think the things i think, and if it is why is it if i cant control what i am thinking? How do you just stop thinking bad things? So those are the questions that rambled early this morning. Am I CRAZY?!
I also began to wonder...can you still claim you have faith if you are unsure? I am so unsure...i stress about these things at least once a day.
Something that has also been on my mind...when we die...do we forget the ones we love...does our love change? The reason i ask is because...well when we go to heaven we are supposed to love everyone just the same and if we have memory of our life how will that be possible to love strangers the same as your husband kids or parents? How will it be possible to love people you didn't like if you remember them? Does love change when we die? What if your husband or wife dies before you and you remarry...who is waiting for you when you die? first spouse or second or both and how will you choose? I mean are we living a life we are just going to forget anyway?!? What about when we die are we going to go straight to heaven or hell? Or is there an in between? i mean you hear these people who can "talk to the dead" and like John Edwards says they aren't in heaven they are in a place somewhere in between...what is that? is that real? Someone once told me there is purgatory when we die. Where we have to be absolved of sin ...is this in the bible? What determines what makes us go to hell...i mean you can be a good person with good morals and not believe in God..will they go to hell? What about the people that believe in the wrong faith? will they also go to hell? The other thing...the bible was written so long ago...why haven't we heard from God since? Why would he just stop? i know no one knows these answers 100% for sure...but they are things that float in my mind, that i have to push aside, but every once in a while they pop up again. Like i said i am a Christian, i just have a lot of questions...sigh.

Death...Sleep...and other stuff

Well, last night was another sleeping struggle. I think i am tired and will lie down, and almost immediately i am wide awake again. This time the thought that so often crosses my mind was, death. My head "What happens when we die? Is it a sin to question this? Will i see my family again? Will we remember our lives? How different will things be, and for the better? Will i go to hell for questioning this? I am a Christian and believe that Jesus died for me, but what if i am wrong and is wrong to think that? Will heaven be boring, is it wrong to ask this? I don't have the greatest life, but i love the people in it and the things i do...will heaven just be pillows to lay on and relaxation all the time? Forever just seems so long...won't we ever get sick of existence? Why cant i be so sure of things like everyone around me seems to be? When will i die? Will it hurt? Will i be old? Will i have unfinished business? Have i told everyone i love i love them?" Okay, i think you get the idea...its a freaking mess in there. I cant shake the thoughts and frustrates me that i think these things all the time. I have tried discussing them with other people...and really it just seems so easy for them and they are so sure of what is to come...and they seem to just get frustrated with me about even thinking the things i do. But, trust me if i didn't have to think these things i wouldn't!
Another thing that has been really bad lately is my urge to annoy....all i want to do is annoy people, esp my husband. When he is dosing off i cant help myself, but to make a noise or disturb him in some way. I know this is mean and wrong but i just cant help it...it makes me laugh, and later i regret it when we fight or when i think about how rude it was. ahh....
On a happy note...end of week three of Weight Watchers lost another 1.7 pounds! :) Hoping i can lose 3 next week....but for now its cheat day so i have decided a Wopper from burger king sounds a- ok to me!
Goodbye for now, thanks for reading

Confusion, Who Am I?

Mood today: depressed and confused
Well, last night was another one of those unsettling nights where i cant get my mind to take a rest long enough for me to get some shut eye. I didn't end up going to sleep until after 9 am sometime. I woke up this morning full of thoughts that make me cry. I read last night about mania, somethings I knew about and others were new to me altogether. Mania for those of you who don't know is things like: irritability, hostility, excitability, restlessness, inappropriate behaviors or humor, impulsiveness, extravagant spending, grandiose thinking, distractability, racing thoughts, creative thinking, disorientation, exhilaration, and much more...the one thing i found out that was new to me was the fact that when in a mania we tend to make plans or goals that are unrealistic or unattainable. This made me cry, it made me question who i am. I am always coming up with new ideas and making plans that i never keep. All along it thought that these things are things that i am interested in. I never saw them as something that my illness provoked...and maybe they are things that i want, but as it states "not realistic". I have lived my life with so much disappointment in myself, because i never seem to live up to my expectations or things i plan never work out. Has it just been that all this time i have been setting my standards to high? Is it really so extravagant to want a vacation , even with our low income, is it wrong to want to buy a house and not rent, is it wrong to want my car fixed, get a degree, write a book, start a hobby??? Are all these things unrealistic..where does the mania start and where does it end, where is the line between reality and me, and mania and me ? Whats true and whats not? Is my whole life nothing but mistakes, because of my wishful thinking, or is it just that i am a failure?
For as long as people started telling me i showed signs of bipolar...i would laugh it off. I don't even think when i was diagnosed that i even believed it then. Yeah i would tell people thats what i had, but only because so many times it seemed i owed people an explanation...not necessarily because i believed it. But as of these last few weeks, i have been thinking so much. I have actually been seeing what other people see, even some things that others don't see. I can look back at least a week or so and see my waves of emotion. I can look back two weeks in this particular case and see how i have been building up to the other day with my friends, building up to that absolute happiest peak, only to crash and burn. I am learning with what i read about mania, that i am 90% of the time in some sort of mania, but as i decline the symptoms change. When i hit bottom i stay at bottom for maybe days or weeks at a time. One thing i find curious though, is that not all my mania symptoms are gone. I will be so deep into depression yet i still wont be able to sleep, the only thing that changes there is that when i do finally fall asleep i don't wake up for sometimes 24 hours. I am still irritable, only now i am irritable and weepy. When i am in this state i feel like everything and everyone is judging me, and i am automatically set into defensive mode. People are always getting angry with me when i snap or get hostile, but the truth is i don't feel like i can help it.
I mean hate using the bipolar card, I always have...it makes me feel weak, and like i am making up excuses for being a horrible person, but now i am starting to think maybe it is true that bipolar swings do this to me, and that it isn't my fault. Okay, so now maybe i am a believer in this bipolar shit...but how do i convince others that this is a real thing, people that don't have it, or don't know anyone first hand who does. How can i make it reality for them? So that they wont judge inappropriately or so they won't get so angry. Trust me, I know it sounds pathetic or desperate, or like i said like i am trying to find excuses for being an unpredictable bitch...but it isn't. Maybe that is the first step...to understand that i am not making this up for myself...maybe then it will be easier for others to understand that too. I have to believe in what i have in order for me to help myself so others can help me. I don't know tomorrow i may have the same attitude as before, but today i understand a little better and i want to continue to learn. I want to learn so that i can better understand myself and i can help others to understand it too. Also so that maybe one day when i blog i will be a success story of someone LIVING with bipolar can live a life worth living.

Some Insight to Me and Things I Can't Control

1.Racing thoughts (especially at night), about everything from did i remember to pay that bill to how i will die
2. Uncontrollable behavior, so many of you think I do these things on purpose, but my god I at times wish could get a grip. Examples: Barking, yelling, pinching, poking, hitting, crying, chattering, singing, laughing, spending, obsessing, compulsionary actions, running my mouth without control(if i don't do these things i am in literal physical pain, my stomach starts to hurt or my head or both, sometimes i even feel like i am going to throw up if i don't, or the thoughts wont go away and i am unable to concentrate on anything else, the noises and yelling make me feel almost euphoric) I know how dumb it sounds really i do.
3. Paranoia, I feel like everyone is judging me, looking at me, talking about me, like i am always making the wrong decisions, like someone is following me, like people are mad even when i have done nothing wrong, like something bad is going to happen all the time, trust issues
4. Fear, death (in all forms accidents, animals, illnesses, medicine etc)
5. Sleep deprivation, I lie awake all hours of the night...a lot of times because of a compulsionary activity I "need" to do or because of racing thoughts
6.Worry(see numbers 1, 3, 4)
7. Crying, feeling hopeless for many reasons and sometimes nothing at all
8. Shopping, I spend and I feel happy again even euphoric
9. Clingy (see numbers 3, 4, 6)
10. Confrontational, over little things (but inside me they feel huge, important, and like im going to explode if i dont say something about it)
11. Can never make up my mind (constant uncertainty, regret, flip floppy)
12. Very analytical (overly analytical)
13. Anxious ( i have no patience. i rush)
14. Make plans or dreams or goals and never keep them going
15. Hyper (uncontrollably happy, excited, bouncing off the walls, life high, extremely loud and obnoxious)
16. I forget and lose everything!
there are more i just need to think on it some more but this gives you some idea to the inner most feelings i have and to my crazy personality.

2/22/2010 Day Two: more BS

I guess I can start out today, with a little background. I have seen therapists and psychiatrists off and on since my parents divorce when I was four(?). I have been medicated. It wasn't until about a year ago that I was even diagnosed as Bi-polar. The doctor I had, was one of the most incredibly rude individuals i have ever met. He made me feel less of a person and even stupid for some of the things i would say. The office he worked in also had therapists. I had begun to see one of them as well, who would often not listen to what I would be saying to him, get facts mixed up and then when he would report to my actual Psychiatrist...he would think what i was telling each of them was contradicting and the psych. actually accused me of lying. Since this I have become very self conscience of even talking about what i feel or whats going on upstairs, because I am afraid I will be judged or taken the wrong way, even called a liar. So as i continue on this blogging journey bare with me.
Anyway, on to todays feelings. Well today wasn't much better for my mood at all.

I woke up at 6 pm, last night didn't even fall asleep until well after 5 am. I am sick of not being able to sleep! Not to mention the tax bullshit being on my mind. It was rejected so i have to wait until to tomorrow to call the IRS to straighten things out. Yay! for roadblocks...i also cant decided between paying off bills, a "honeymoon", or saving for a house we will never be able to afford anyway. I also need to just set a day for the sliding scale mental health clinic and just go...its just if i cant sleep until 5 am i am not awake in time to call at 8am for an appointment! :(

I am sick of the way my life has become. I am broke and my 21st birthday is next week with no money how the fucking hell am i supposed to pay for drinks or dinner on my birthday. I am tired of the way my luck plays out. We need money but i don't think i'm ready for a job. We deserve to get away but with bills that just not allowed. I want to have babies or at least find out if its even a possibility but we need a house to do that and money to get a house and two incomes to have money. Its a vicious unfair cycle.

OHHH!! and lets not forget! i gained 1.5 pounds! GAINED after all this counting shit (im on weight watchers into my 3rd week i had lost 7.5 lbs) i gained! i am so pissed. yes my cheat day was extreme and i went over one other day but i made sure that i took the points i went over from the next day so i wouldn't go over again. I am sorry but being fat, broke, and bipolar with no insurance or way to help myself how HELL am i ever going to get out of this hell hole? I feel like i am in a down ward spiral that has no end.

2/20/2010 Day One

How generic, "Day One"...I just couldn't think of anything else to title it.
Well, I have decided since I am not seeing anyone for my bipolar or on any meds...I would start a journal of my everyday experiences with my emotions and feelings. This is so that when I do finally go, I will be able to revisit the times i so often forget while in therapy.
I guess to explain how I got here I would have to go back to the beginning of my demise. The thing is i say demise when inside so many other words are running through my mind, like: ruin, life, journey, love, him, her, them, the cutting. Where is it i shall point a finger to blame for this? The answer is none of these. It isn't and wasn't my demise it was merely just the discovery of my illness, another contradicting thought "Is it an illness or is it all in my head?" "does anyone see what i am going through" "will the doctor believe me, will they care?". Its just when i am in this bottomed out point that i think of terms like this. Its when I am at this point that my poetry and writing is the darkest, yet at its best. I won't go back to the beginning, yet. I just don't know if now is the right time to rehash some of that. Today I will just discuss the past week or so.
All week i have felt at a plateau like almost like there is nothing wrong with me at all. I even questioned if i needed to go back to therapy. I almost felt like it was all in my head. Maybe i am too emotional or i overreact? I still though would get sick at the thought of going back out to the work force. When i think about working its almost, as dramatic as it sounds, like literally making me think about the most embarrassing, sad, or emotional thing that has happened and wrapping them into one. Its like i am afraid to work, for many reasons....what will happen while I'm there, will someone judge me, will i do something wrong, will i make someone mad, will they like me my thoughts race with thoughts like these until i cant stop crying and i feel so overwhelmed i just want to scream and cry and curl into a ball and give up. This frustrates me i used to be so dedicated and strong work willed. I have changed and i hate it so much.
Anyway, i went to see two of my best friends for a full 24 hours, and though i tossed and turned all i night i haven't had so much fun or felt so much like "myself" in so long...if felt amazing...the thought of normalcy even crossed my mind, a job, school, babies, a house all the things that hit me like a ton of bricks when i am "high on life". I feel unstoppable and unbreakable. Like i can fly or take on the world. Even when i got home i was so excited to be home. I felt like my problems were solved. And bam the world came crashing down. I went from happy and hyper to immediately mad. I then started a fight with my mom and i could feel the decline coming on faster and faster. I was then sad and felt hopeless a complete change from what i felt only hours before when i was gliding on air, now i was curled in a ball in bed bawling my eyes out for no reason really.
It feels so unfair how quickly these episodes come on and how sneaky and painful they are. I feel like i am an on an emotional roller coaster with no off switch. And i am screaming, but there is nothing anyone can do about it.