Do you ever feel like people just do not want you around? I do. My friends often wonder why I am so down a lot of the time, why I am not always happy and ready to go out and do things. They wonder why sometimes I am not my silly self or why I am to tears over things that are "silly" to cry about. The moment though that I decide to explain it to them...they half listen, change the subject, or don't listen at all. Then after the conversation is finally over I then don't hear from them for a long while...its like when I am feeling up and happy thats when I have to call them, its never them calling to check in on me. (i take that back there is one friend that does worry from time to time and i appreciate that)But a majority of them only want the me thats wild and crazy and silly and weird....do they not realize thats mania? That's bipolar behavior also. Then its when I am on meds...they think i am supposed to magically feel better and be the me i am when i am happy manic...they are disappointed when i am blahh. I sit stare into space, feel so lethargic, nothing makes me happy or sad or angry, i am just "there". It's like this blog...they don't understand me...but they won't even take the time to read how i feel....its hypocritical "I want to know, but..." I wont read or listen to what you have to say.
As for my family...well...there are similar behaviors. There is the family i live near and am very close to and then theres the people I keep in touch with and see every summer. All of them notice things in me...notice somethings off about me, but only a few take interest...and none are without judgement. The ones that take interest think they are the all knowing God's of bipolar and what they think and know is the truth and that they know exactly what i need and what i feel...like i am a science projects to study! Even the people in this category will go as far as saying how much they understand, but when i have a swing, a moment, a trigger...its not because i am bipolar..or that that is just how i am its...."you are a baby", "you are immature", "you are a bitch", "grow up". I just want to scream! Why am I not an adult, because of the way i act in certain situations? I am pretty sure there are all kinds of "adults" and not all can be categorized the same. Who and what defines what an adult is? I am by no means using my illness as a scapegoat, but I know that a lot of my ways have a lot to do with it. As i have said in previous posts...where does bipolar start and end and where does "ME" begin? Where, who, what am I? Sometimes in family affairs i get so angry and i go public with my scoldings and hateful words...(Facebook) I will scold them all and be as mean as can be...inside i am yelling don't do that don't do that..you will cause problems, you will make someone mad or hurt or worse...but i do it anyway...i let my rage take over...(not saying i don't mean what i say, just that i could have kept it to myself) like is that me or my illness? Why cant i control it if it is me? OR is it simply that I am my illness???! If thats the case I don't know that it is worth living...I want to be someone with my own thoughts, my own mind, my own wants, likes and dislikes...not this jumble of a mess inside of me. When i do things like this I am then scolded...and ripped apart by the family members that don't care and don't see it for face value. The other thing i think is are they mad because its true or mad because i was so mean about it? I am accused of jumping to conclusions, being irrational, speaking out of turn, and other things...maybe thats true but at the time of writing it it just doesn't feel that way to me. That aside...overall i feel cast aside by my family and by my friends...like i am not welcome amongst them unless i put on a happy face, or I am medicated...(when medicated there is no face at all) they actually prefer me as a shell of myself...emotionless, quiet, tired, zombified. My dad even goes as far to say that I am making up my bipolar as an excuse to be and i quote "LAZY".
With this illness, can anyone really ever love "me"?? Is it possible? Am i just overacting?
2 comments:
I was literally just thinking about this like 30 min ago in the shower.
The stigma and how it makes people uncomfortable when you even mention it. It is like AIDS, no one wanted to talk about it but it's everywhere. But you can't catch mental illness, and like you said we don't have a ribbon.
I'm all scattered right now (believe it or not) but I think you know what I mean.
I know what you mean, and it sucks! :P
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