Yesterday was a depressing day yet again, but it wasn't depressing all the time all day...which was quite confusing. I was hyper and "manic". I wanted to make loud noises, pinch, poke and irritate my husband...I even went into my 8 year old sisters room at 11pm jumped on her to wake her up and then, she looks at me so sweet and darling and says I love you sissy...man did I feel bad...and do I know why I did this other than a sudden uncontrollable urge?? Nope, no idea. I just have these urges...I know most people don't understand why I cant just walk away or control these feelings, but it makes my stomach hurt and my head spin if I don't. Crazy? Yea, I know it is. Also, Last night I planned a budget for the next 3 months, it took me 5 hours to completely work it out and I still wasn't sure it was perfect...but I wanted it to be. I didn't fall asleep until after 3 last night and woke up at 7:30....whew...but I couldn't go back to sleep. Instead I became compulsive about trying to figure out whether i just need to suck it up and try to work or if ssi is the way to go. Work is more immediate, SSI could take awhile IF I even get approved. The thing about work is I just don't know that I am ready or that I can handle it???! I know I talk about this a lot, but it really does scare me. I know that some days I can handle work...but I also know some days I just can't. I realize that medication it supposed to stabalize my moods, but in my experience lately and in the past with medication...my vision is impacted, my balance, and even my mind wanders into nothing land. All reasons driving and working too long could be potentially bad or worse could trigger something. I just dont know. I have no courage to talk to my therapist or pdoc about this stuff....I just get so nervous and afraid of being judged or being "laughed at", even if it is in their heads...it is still going on, and it hurts me to know that is what they are thinking. Blahh enough with the race track of thoughts here. Tonight I am going to see a ballet with a friend and my little sister...I am hoping this will lighten my mood, but crossing my fingers it won't send me into full mania. Today my medicine dosage was increased 100mg...soooo we shall see what the difference may be.
Love you my loyal readers....Stay well and talk to ya later.
