I am at my wits end. I am angry, frustrated, and ready to give up. Everyday is a constant battle with my family. They struggle to understand and i struggle to tell them. They get angry with me saying I should feel for them, because of the stress i bring to their lives. I am told that they are having as much of a hard time as I am. Oh really, last time i checked they werent the ones dealing with the symptoms. They arent the ones that long to be normal, that wish everyday wasnt a new battle with symptoms, people, emotions....I know its hard for them, but god why must i add that guilt to my already full plate. I do feel bad for the way I am but why should i...is it really my fault? I am told that i just refuse to be postive, that its in me i just wont let it out. Is this also true, am i missing something? I am sorry but just because i smile or laugh doesnt mean the pain is gone or that these thoughts arent still lingering...just because i seem to be happy doesnt mean im not just trying to be..... When i have a good day you know, because I talk about it, I delight in it and i hold it tight for as long as i am able...i wish and pray that it wont end...that i can feel happy like that all the time...but i cant make it stay and inevitable truth is that it wont stay it cant. So while i sit here bawling my eyes out, alone, angry, confused, and even more upset than when i started writing this, wishing to God i was dead...they have each other to talk to and relate to...who the hell do i have to hug me and say i understand?! who? I am tired of feeling alone...i am tired of being the only person in my life who has anything remotely close to this problem. I hate it... I am so sick and tired of this bullshit. I just want to scream MAKE IT STOP! and I AM SORRY I AM SUCH A FUCK UP!
Alone, sick, crying, hysterical, literally about to just give up and give in...I am so done... I really really am.
