Confusion, Who Am I?

Mood today: depressed and confused
Well, last night was another one of those unsettling nights where i cant get my mind to take a rest long enough for me to get some shut eye. I didn't end up going to sleep until after 9 am sometime. I woke up this morning full of thoughts that make me cry. I read last night about mania, somethings I knew about and others were new to me altogether. Mania for those of you who don't know is things like: irritability, hostility, excitability, restlessness, inappropriate behaviors or humor, impulsiveness, extravagant spending, grandiose thinking, distractability, racing thoughts, creative thinking, disorientation, exhilaration, and much more...the one thing i found out that was new to me was the fact that when in a mania we tend to make plans or goals that are unrealistic or unattainable. This made me cry, it made me question who i am. I am always coming up with new ideas and making plans that i never keep. All along it thought that these things are things that i am interested in. I never saw them as something that my illness provoked...and maybe they are things that i want, but as it states "not realistic". I have lived my life with so much disappointment in myself, because i never seem to live up to my expectations or things i plan never work out. Has it just been that all this time i have been setting my standards to high? Is it really so extravagant to want a vacation , even with our low income, is it wrong to want to buy a house and not rent, is it wrong to want my car fixed, get a degree, write a book, start a hobby??? Are all these things unrealistic..where does the mania start and where does it end, where is the line between reality and me, and mania and me ? Whats true and whats not? Is my whole life nothing but mistakes, because of my wishful thinking, or is it just that i am a failure?
For as long as people started telling me i showed signs of bipolar...i would laugh it off. I don't even think when i was diagnosed that i even believed it then. Yeah i would tell people thats what i had, but only because so many times it seemed i owed people an explanation...not necessarily because i believed it. But as of these last few weeks, i have been thinking so much. I have actually been seeing what other people see, even some things that others don't see. I can look back at least a week or so and see my waves of emotion. I can look back two weeks in this particular case and see how i have been building up to the other day with my friends, building up to that absolute happiest peak, only to crash and burn. I am learning with what i read about mania, that i am 90% of the time in some sort of mania, but as i decline the symptoms change. When i hit bottom i stay at bottom for maybe days or weeks at a time. One thing i find curious though, is that not all my mania symptoms are gone. I will be so deep into depression yet i still wont be able to sleep, the only thing that changes there is that when i do finally fall asleep i don't wake up for sometimes 24 hours. I am still irritable, only now i am irritable and weepy. When i am in this state i feel like everything and everyone is judging me, and i am automatically set into defensive mode. People are always getting angry with me when i snap or get hostile, but the truth is i don't feel like i can help it.
I mean hate using the bipolar card, I always have...it makes me feel weak, and like i am making up excuses for being a horrible person, but now i am starting to think maybe it is true that bipolar swings do this to me, and that it isn't my fault. Okay, so now maybe i am a believer in this bipolar shit...but how do i convince others that this is a real thing, people that don't have it, or don't know anyone first hand who does. How can i make it reality for them? So that they wont judge inappropriately or so they won't get so angry. Trust me, I know it sounds pathetic or desperate, or like i said like i am trying to find excuses for being an unpredictable bitch...but it isn't. Maybe that is the first step...to understand that i am not making this up for myself...maybe then it will be easier for others to understand that too. I have to believe in what i have in order for me to help myself so others can help me. I don't know tomorrow i may have the same attitude as before, but today i understand a little better and i want to continue to learn. I want to learn so that i can better understand myself and i can help others to understand it too. Also so that maybe one day when i blog i will be a success story of someone LIVING with bipolar can live a life worth living.

Some Insight to Me and Things I Can't Control

1.Racing thoughts (especially at night), about everything from did i remember to pay that bill to how i will die
2. Uncontrollable behavior, so many of you think I do these things on purpose, but my god I at times wish could get a grip. Examples: Barking, yelling, pinching, poking, hitting, crying, chattering, singing, laughing, spending, obsessing, compulsionary actions, running my mouth without control(if i don't do these things i am in literal physical pain, my stomach starts to hurt or my head or both, sometimes i even feel like i am going to throw up if i don't, or the thoughts wont go away and i am unable to concentrate on anything else, the noises and yelling make me feel almost euphoric) I know how dumb it sounds really i do.
3. Paranoia, I feel like everyone is judging me, looking at me, talking about me, like i am always making the wrong decisions, like someone is following me, like people are mad even when i have done nothing wrong, like something bad is going to happen all the time, trust issues
4. Fear, death (in all forms accidents, animals, illnesses, medicine etc)
5. Sleep deprivation, I lie awake all hours of the night...a lot of times because of a compulsionary activity I "need" to do or because of racing thoughts
6.Worry(see numbers 1, 3, 4)
7. Crying, feeling hopeless for many reasons and sometimes nothing at all
8. Shopping, I spend and I feel happy again even euphoric
9. Clingy (see numbers 3, 4, 6)
10. Confrontational, over little things (but inside me they feel huge, important, and like im going to explode if i dont say something about it)
11. Can never make up my mind (constant uncertainty, regret, flip floppy)
12. Very analytical (overly analytical)
13. Anxious ( i have no patience. i rush)
14. Make plans or dreams or goals and never keep them going
15. Hyper (uncontrollably happy, excited, bouncing off the walls, life high, extremely loud and obnoxious)
16. I forget and lose everything!
there are more i just need to think on it some more but this gives you some idea to the inner most feelings i have and to my crazy personality.