I went with my dad and my husband to see that new movie Shutter Island. Like so many movies with similar, I guess the word would be themes??, (movies that make you think ALOT or trigger racing thoughts for me) it made my mind go nuts. It triggered alot of emotion and even tears. Alot of the thoughts I was having had alot to do with my illness. One of the characters in the movie had manic depression...and not to ruin the ending for anyone who wants to see it...but she drowns her kids...and its almost like with her its a game of pretend like what she did wasn't bad. Not that I feel i would ever do anything like this, but I am going to admit to all of you that I have some really really disturbing thoughts sometimes. They are even disturbing to me sometimes...I have never shared with anyone really about the detail of these thoughts, especially not a doctor. I want to tell you...Please don't judge me, because they are just thought I have never acted on them...my fear though is even if that was just a movie...what if i did act on them...it wouldn't chant the fact that it was wrong. Some of these thoughts are like things like hurting other people especially when i am mad at that person....I changed my mind i wont share in detail, but they are sometimes so bad i scare myself. I tried to talk to my husband about the feelings this movie gave me and the feelings that i get when i am having a "psychotic" moment (he slept thru the movie and our conversation :( .... ) But, maybe you can relate or just listen to what i have to say...When I am having a melt down such as: screaming , crying, pulling my hair out, hitting myself or whoever is closest to me at the time, throwing myself on the floor etc, It is like your brain is a circle and you cut it in half...the front half is me reacting crazily, thats the psychotic me...and then the back of my brain is the "sane" me sitting in a chair just observing telling myself to calm down, that I am acting like a complete fool...but its like that part of me has no control. Its not like split personalities..its just like I have thoughts that are contradicting and it seems that its always the bad thoughts that take over and control me. An example of this control is that...i think when i am having these breaks if i was holding scissors i think i could literally just stab myself all over and not feel pain...almost like the person in front of my brain would enjoy it and get release, but the one in back would be screaming NO or STOP....but the front always wins. Its almost like its better to act nuts than to let whatever is happening happen or continue...it feels so much better. Its like when the "tantrum" is over i feel almost refreshed and like nothing happened at all. This is one reason i know i need to go to see a doctor...and I am so afraid of going...not just bc of reasons i have given in the past posts, but also because i am so scared of medication. This is the example i give Mark...its like a person that is born with a sight problem (blurry vision)...they get older not knowing they see the world different than anyone else, because thats all they have ever known...but as time goes on people around them at school or home start to notice odd behavior...delayed reading, squinting etc....well the child is taken to the doctor he is fitted for glasses. When he receives these glasses its like seeing the world for the first time, just like everyone else...and there isn't a problem anymore. Its like with bipolar my thoughts have always been jumbled, scrambled, a mess, on one side or the other, or just opposite all the time changing. I just wish there were "glasses: for this disorder. I wish for one day i could think like some one without this condition. Then what someone might say is "well what about medicine?" My answer to that is, no matter if i am medicated or not...i still feel like something is missing...either i am off the wall in my thoughts and feelings or I am completely lethargic and blahh...either way this is not normal. While medicated i still have no motivation or even less than I did without it. The only thing that changes is that I sleep ALOT more and my thoughts slow down to almost no thoughts at all...spaced out almost, I'm not spastic or crazy, i'm just there, kind of a zombie if you will. Most people have something that gets them up in the morning, something they have to do or live for...medicated or not I never have that.
Sooo again these thoughts again have led me to thinking about the question...this chokes me up, makes me scared, bad to even feel this ways...could it be that someone like me..that has these bad thoughts about people that cross me or make me angry...could it be that someone like me that is vengeful and holds grudges...and hurts them self, and is so negative all the time whether i want to be or not...like am i meant to go to hell even though it feels like i don't mean it or want to be this way. Thats the thing thats weird...I almost feel like i do want to do it because of the release...then the other half just doesn't...like again I have no control....I mean thinking about when we die...people say your problems are gone no pain, suffering, or health problems, no worries everything is fixed all happiness, joy, warmth....if this is true could someone like me ever even exist in that world? Like, do i even have a real soul? I mean I am not ever one person...i mean i am me..but i am me interested in this or that or this or that...I am me who loves him or him or sometimes him, i am me all over the place...I am never one straight pathed person I am me everywhere...so if i have a soul...who is that person that will move on... I want to know her...i want to know who i am... i feel like i have no idea... from day to day i feel something different about everything...its always changing...from day to day i am a new emotion...its never the same. I have new beliefs everyday. Name it its different from day to day.Maybe i am just a bad person...maybe i am just F** up in the head.
I wish there was someone out there that i could meet in person nearby...that i could have to talk to that understands that knows...that i can relate to...someone that i can advocate for that can advocate for me...someone that i can call at 2am and cry and bitch and vice versa...someone that understands so i am not alone...I just want to talk and talk and talk and talk...its like all i can do everyday is just analyze everything...and then analyze my analyzations....there is a support group next week with NAMI, but thats for all types of disorders..depression, add, etc...i feel like it will be Woodridge all over again...the only one like me...surrounded by more people that dont understand...no one else who is bipolar.
more later....
