Here Today, Gone Tomorrow

Ok, so here it goes. yes maybe tomorrow i will forget too all that i have said today, maybe for a moment i will feel joy, but dont you fear...it will all come back again...it always does, it always will, and as i read even once this therapy i have started goes heavy on its way and even when my new meds begin to take effect it isnt a end all fix all...it comes back just not as often...what a joy to look foward to eh? what a joy. I am not sure what i have spewed about lately....I don't feel like rereading my posts, but I am ready to share. The past month or so have been a whirl wind of emotion and cycling. Lately I have been so busy I haven't even had to time to really reflect on what has been going on. I went on a trip with the ladies in my family a "generations" trip if you will, and to my everyone's surprise i was able to pass it off as though i was perfectly normal. Two weeks i spent with woman who do not understand me, not for lack of trying....(at times)...Only one of these women listen to what i am saying without getting angry or defensive. I am not sure if she says things when i am not around about my behavior or what i share with her, but she seems to really care what i have to say. Like, with everyone else though, she too has a point that the venting becomes a nuisance to her. As I said two weeks of pretending to be normal, for the sake of saving family face. Inside my insides churned and boiled, at times pure ache took over. I would get a dreadful migraine and a stomach ache only cured with alcohol or smoking. It was as if I was soring above myself watching the pitiful act that I was putting on. It was a zombie version of myself. The smiling, the courtesy, the false laughter and interest i showed....all a joke, a false version of what was really going on inside. On the way home I lost it...cooped with no release, no internet support groups or my husband to vent to. I just went crazy....we stopped at a small restaurant right out side chicago....it was pack...I walked in and immediately the wheels started turning: "Everyone is looking at me, they are judging me, oh god there are people my age here, what could they be thinking (disgusting, ugly, fat, bitch, she has no right to be here), is that man staring, did she just laugh at me" oh god the stomach ache and the pounding heart beat i could feel in my fingers, my feet, my chest, even my ears...it was too much to handle, i raced back to the car...needing to pee so badly, but i didn't care i would pee in a bottle if i had to. My mom comes back out and scolds me for not using that restroom...I explained i couldn't go back in there and told her she didn't understand...again she scolds and tries to reason with me...i go nuts my face turns purple with anger and i scream "I Won't!" "I CANT", "Take me somewhere else" We argue some more and continue to fight...then i am told that "Bipolar cannot always be your excuse for this ridiculous behavior." "AHHHHH" I yell " I SAID nothing about bipolar" "I am having a panic attack!" She pulls into a gas station i run in pee and come back the whole time wondering what the three of them could be saying about me....I get in the car more shit is thrown at me and anger rushes through me I begin to pound on my face with my fist...I felt nothing...not an ounce of pain. Then i feel a smack across the back of my head, my grandmother slammed a rolled up newspaper or something of the same volume across my head and she says to me to stop being unreasonable and stupid. I turn back at her feeling more out of my body than ever and i growl like a mangy animal and then scream "you do that again and i will not be responsible for what happens!" the car grows silent...I am then alone it feels in a car with four other people i am in the front seat with the one person that pissed me off the most. I begin to reach inside myself and decide it is the time to end it. It is the time to just say good bye. I must, I cant take it anymore, so i felt. in my head these thoughts raced: "No one will ever hear what i am saying, what is the point of explaining if they just wont listen, What is the point of going on, how can i lead a life where i have to pretend i am ok, whilst inside i am screaming and scratching my way out, how will i ever be a mom, do i even want to, how can i face my life when i am not only not allowed to show how i feel or explain it but i cant even just be left alone, this jacket i am wearing wouldn't it be a nice fit just tight enough around my neck to stop it all, stop these forceful angry thoughts i have, stop this meaningless life, bring this pain and devastation to an end...why must i go on when there is no point, what reason was there to make straight a's in school, when all i am now is a big fat no body, what point is it to live here knowing we all die, knowing that after death there may or may not be anything afterward, will i go to hell if there is one for saying that, how can i believe in anything when i feel this way, no matter how hard i want to i cant be normal, i cant cope i cant deal, no one will truly understand, yes it is time to say goodbye, it is time that i put everything i love into a box and bury it and with my suicide not i shall leave a map, and if they care enough they will dig it up and find that what i care about is a photo of all of them, a book or two, and my wedding rings....yes what a selfish person i must be....selfish indeed...." I go on with crazy thoughts and ideas inside me...I go on to prepare the letter of goodbyes in my head...and then i think "what if i just pretend im ok, and one day bam just when they think all of their frustration and angry words have "knocked" some "sense" into me, than well wont they be mistaken?" I still feel like that person i was in that car wrapped in my own arms counselling myself with pats and wiping my own tears away...that there is no point in life, at least not for me...I am a genetic jumble of all the terrible things in this world. I was given no purpose, no real meaning...as my mother says I am her "punishment". So maybe that in its self is my purpose...I am the hell that all the sinners in my life deserve maybe thats it? Maybe I am the work of something greater...only i can never feel the warmth of its love, because I am the darkness. Maybe thats just it. Maybe this is my purpose and that alone. Lets set aside my desire to be something great, lets set aside the hopes i had that i have slowly watched shatter, lets set aside my dear friends the very fact that i too am a person (at least this is how it seems)...you see i can chat about these fears and these feelings i have all day long...and at the end of the day those that read this and those i tell it to...will lie their heads down to dream their normal dreams and all i have said will be wiped clean from their memory...as i lie awake for the fifth sometimes sixth night in a row and watch them sleep...I have to live in this vessel...I have to live with this pain..and when i wake up I CANT forget...as they do as you will too...I am a torture chamber in and of myself. Whilst i suffer in my head, you all go on to lead lives at a normal pace and forget the importance of what i say...just because i stop talking when i see the boredom in your eyes...doesnt mean i got it out and now i am better...it doesnt mean things are gonna be ok...its a constant struggle a constant battle! Just because i am silent and I smile doesnt mean I am ok! yes maybe tomorrow i will forget too all that i have said today, maybe for a moment i will feel joy, but dont you fear...it will all come back again...it always does, it always will, and as i read even once this therapy i have started goes heavy on its way and even when my new meds begin to take effect it isnt a end all fix all...it comes back just not as often...what a joy to look foward to eh? what a joy..what adventures i have to look forward to.