2/22/2010 Day Two: more BS

I guess I can start out today, with a little background. I have seen therapists and psychiatrists off and on since my parents divorce when I was four(?). I have been medicated. It wasn't until about a year ago that I was even diagnosed as Bi-polar. The doctor I had, was one of the most incredibly rude individuals i have ever met. He made me feel less of a person and even stupid for some of the things i would say. The office he worked in also had therapists. I had begun to see one of them as well, who would often not listen to what I would be saying to him, get facts mixed up and then when he would report to my actual Psychiatrist...he would think what i was telling each of them was contradicting and the psych. actually accused me of lying. Since this I have become very self conscience of even talking about what i feel or whats going on upstairs, because I am afraid I will be judged or taken the wrong way, even called a liar. So as i continue on this blogging journey bare with me.
Anyway, on to todays feelings. Well today wasn't much better for my mood at all.

I woke up at 6 pm, last night didn't even fall asleep until well after 5 am. I am sick of not being able to sleep! Not to mention the tax bullshit being on my mind. It was rejected so i have to wait until to tomorrow to call the IRS to straighten things out. Yay! for roadblocks...i also cant decided between paying off bills, a "honeymoon", or saving for a house we will never be able to afford anyway. I also need to just set a day for the sliding scale mental health clinic and just go...its just if i cant sleep until 5 am i am not awake in time to call at 8am for an appointment! :(

I am sick of the way my life has become. I am broke and my 21st birthday is next week with no money how the fucking hell am i supposed to pay for drinks or dinner on my birthday. I am tired of the way my luck plays out. We need money but i don't think i'm ready for a job. We deserve to get away but with bills that just not allowed. I want to have babies or at least find out if its even a possibility but we need a house to do that and money to get a house and two incomes to have money. Its a vicious unfair cycle.

OHHH!! and lets not forget! i gained 1.5 pounds! GAINED after all this counting shit (im on weight watchers into my 3rd week i had lost 7.5 lbs) i gained! i am so pissed. yes my cheat day was extreme and i went over one other day but i made sure that i took the points i went over from the next day so i wouldn't go over again. I am sorry but being fat, broke, and bipolar with no insurance or way to help myself how HELL am i ever going to get out of this hell hole? I feel like i am in a down ward spiral that has no end.

2/20/2010 Day One

How generic, "Day One"...I just couldn't think of anything else to title it.
Well, I have decided since I am not seeing anyone for my bipolar or on any meds...I would start a journal of my everyday experiences with my emotions and feelings. This is so that when I do finally go, I will be able to revisit the times i so often forget while in therapy.
I guess to explain how I got here I would have to go back to the beginning of my demise. The thing is i say demise when inside so many other words are running through my mind, like: ruin, life, journey, love, him, her, them, the cutting. Where is it i shall point a finger to blame for this? The answer is none of these. It isn't and wasn't my demise it was merely just the discovery of my illness, another contradicting thought "Is it an illness or is it all in my head?" "does anyone see what i am going through" "will the doctor believe me, will they care?". Its just when i am in this bottomed out point that i think of terms like this. Its when I am at this point that my poetry and writing is the darkest, yet at its best. I won't go back to the beginning, yet. I just don't know if now is the right time to rehash some of that. Today I will just discuss the past week or so.
All week i have felt at a plateau like almost like there is nothing wrong with me at all. I even questioned if i needed to go back to therapy. I almost felt like it was all in my head. Maybe i am too emotional or i overreact? I still though would get sick at the thought of going back out to the work force. When i think about working its almost, as dramatic as it sounds, like literally making me think about the most embarrassing, sad, or emotional thing that has happened and wrapping them into one. Its like i am afraid to work, for many reasons....what will happen while I'm there, will someone judge me, will i do something wrong, will i make someone mad, will they like me my thoughts race with thoughts like these until i cant stop crying and i feel so overwhelmed i just want to scream and cry and curl into a ball and give up. This frustrates me i used to be so dedicated and strong work willed. I have changed and i hate it so much.
Anyway, i went to see two of my best friends for a full 24 hours, and though i tossed and turned all i night i haven't had so much fun or felt so much like "myself" in so long...if felt amazing...the thought of normalcy even crossed my mind, a job, school, babies, a house all the things that hit me like a ton of bricks when i am "high on life". I feel unstoppable and unbreakable. Like i can fly or take on the world. Even when i got home i was so excited to be home. I felt like my problems were solved. And bam the world came crashing down. I went from happy and hyper to immediately mad. I then started a fight with my mom and i could feel the decline coming on faster and faster. I was then sad and felt hopeless a complete change from what i felt only hours before when i was gliding on air, now i was curled in a ball in bed bawling my eyes out for no reason really.
It feels so unfair how quickly these episodes come on and how sneaky and painful they are. I feel like i am an on an emotional roller coaster with no off switch. And i am screaming, but there is nothing anyone can do about it.