Racing Suicide Ideations

(JUST SO EVERYONE IS AWARE I HAVE NO INTENTION OF HARMING MYSELF I AM EXPRESSING SOME THINGS THAT HAVE BEEN RUNNING THROUGH MY MIND THATS ALL NO WORRIES) read below my other blog from today to see some of the triggers of these feelings....

This morning I woke up, racing thoughts of death. I have all these ideas what I would say in a note and how I would do it if i were going to. The thing is I am too terrified to do any traditional self harming way. I really am to scared, it makes me mad that even that I have no control over.

Some of the thoughts I had this morning was, not the....razor, knife, water, rope, pills....I would have to force myself into a dangerous situation to actually succeed. A situation so dangerous, only a miracle who save me. Like, jumping in front of a train, after its too late to stop, jumping out of a plane with no parachute (highly unlikely to ever happen), driving my car off of a bridge with all doors lock and the keys thrown out the window with the child protection on windows rolled up, getting lost in the mountains with no supplies, these kinds of things...nothing that I could actually do of course..I may leave with every intention, but by the time I get there...nope I would panic and back out. The thing about it is...right now I know I couldn't do these things...but in my mind...I have always felt I would die young, and sometimes I feel like I know I will commit suicide give the right time, mind set, and opportunity. I have never reached total rock bottom, I have come damn near close, but I have never been to a point where I could actually end it all..no matter how much I think I want to or need to...I have never been able to actually feel bad enough to do it. But that doesn't stop the reel in my head from running each of these scenarios over and over again....the exact details of each incident, the looks on people's faces, the pain....it runs wild in my mind the past two days...and I can't stop the thoughts from coming. I know I sound nuts. I think about these things it makes my adrenaline rush...and then all I wanna do after that is read...i am mentally and physically exhausted.

I am Sick, get used to it!

The world around me seems a blur the past couple of days. I am sitting here in this real world, this real life, this real body....yet I feel like I am behind a window looking in. I feel like the world around me has become so unfamiliar. Its like looking through binoculars you see something you know its real, but you also know its too far away to do anything about whatever it is your looking at.

Anyway, a friend of mine texted me today...well she wants to hang out and has been hinting around hanging out for a couple weekends now. She has expressed to me before about other friends making excuses and not just saying to her "I don't wanna go." So since that conversation...I have been rather afraid of telling her just why I cant or don't feel like it. To her it will only be an excuse. How do I explain to someone I am sick today...if I obviously have nothing "physically" wrong, no flu, no cold, no tumors, etc....but someone with Cancer could easily say I am having a bad reaction to treatment today or I don't feel like it today I am too weak...and it would be perfectly acceptable and even maybe bring that said person to feel bad for them (rightfully so) but how is this any different. I AM SICK, I DON'T FEEL GOOD, MY MEDICATIONS AREN'T WORKING YET, I AM HAVING THOUGHTS OF SUICIDE PLEASE LEAVE ME TO REST....it is an illness and one that doesn't completely go away. Sooo, my choices are offend her potentially and just say "I don't feel good" (thought bubble EXCUSES EXCUSES), or I can make her mad and push her away even more and just ignore her. Either way I am judged, I hurt or make someone mad, and both ways I am not understood.

So again I am faced with the dilemma, that I cannot lead a normal life. How is it possible, I am constantly having to explain myself, be it doctors, employers, the government, family, friends, EVERYONE! It gets so old and annoying. I almost just wanna say forget everyone, as sad as it makes me it would be so much simpler that dealing with this shit everyday. It's so exhausting, to explain why all the time...because its to the same people over and over. Let me ask a few questions for a change! How about: "Why cant you get it through your tiny pee brains and skulls that, I AM SICK? Why cant you instead of asking me all the time why why why, read a book or an article about it??? Why, If it concerns you so much, dont you go to the support groups for family and friends I have told you about???? or, Why is it so hard to just be a good friend or relative and just understand that this is who I am, take it or leave it?" I know the answer to all of these questions....its because the really DON'T CARE (and are lying saying that they do) or they DON't BELIEVE ME.

I love my friends and I love my family, but why cant they see they are killing me faster than Bipolar itself??????