Last night i had decided i was going to stay up all night and day today to go to bed at a decent time tonight. Well, i failed miserably. I crashed at about 10am this morning. While I was awake, just before i fell asleep, i began to think again....about death. Why this topic is so often on my mind don't ask me, but it is.
This time i wondered...does God know i am bipolar? Or will he see it as an excuse...its like Gay people...some of them claim it is something they are born with...being gay is a sin, but so is some of the things I do as a bi polar person....Does God know that we cant help it? Does he overlook it? Or does he see it as an excuse? Is it an excuse? Just something that we make up to make us feel better about sin and bad behavior? Will we be cast to hell for being Bi polar? Am i handling it right, is it even real? Do I need to ask forgiveness for something i cant control? Is it a sin to think the things i think, and if it is why is it if i cant control what i am thinking? How do you just stop thinking bad things? So those are the questions that rambled early this morning. Am I CRAZY?!
I also began to wonder...can you still claim you have faith if you are unsure? I am so unsure...i stress about these things at least once a day.
Something that has also been on my mind...when we die...do we forget the ones we love...does our love change? The reason i ask is because...well when we go to heaven we are supposed to love everyone just the same and if we have memory of our life how will that be possible to love strangers the same as your husband kids or parents? How will it be possible to love people you didn't like if you remember them? Does love change when we die? What if your husband or wife dies before you and you remarry...who is waiting for you when you die? first spouse or second or both and how will you choose? I mean are we living a life we are just going to forget anyway?!? What about when we die are we going to go straight to heaven or hell? Or is there an in between? i mean you hear these people who can "talk to the dead" and like John Edwards says they aren't in heaven they are in a place somewhere in between...what is that? is that real? Someone once told me there is purgatory when we die. Where we have to be absolved of sin ...is this in the bible? What determines what makes us go to hell...i mean you can be a good person with good morals and not believe in God..will they go to hell? What about the people that believe in the wrong faith? will they also go to hell? The other thing...the bible was written so long ago...why haven't we heard from God since? Why would he just stop? i know no one knows these answers 100% for sure...but they are things that float in my mind, that i have to push aside, but every once in a while they pop up again. Like i said i am a Christian, i just have a lot of questions...sigh.
