2/22/2010 Day Two: more BS

I guess I can start out today, with a little background. I have seen therapists and psychiatrists off and on since my parents divorce when I was four(?). I have been medicated. It wasn't until about a year ago that I was even diagnosed as Bi-polar. The doctor I had, was one of the most incredibly rude individuals i have ever met. He made me feel less of a person and even stupid for some of the things i would say. The office he worked in also had therapists. I had begun to see one of them as well, who would often not listen to what I would be saying to him, get facts mixed up and then when he would report to my actual Psychiatrist...he would think what i was telling each of them was contradicting and the psych. actually accused me of lying. Since this I have become very self conscience of even talking about what i feel or whats going on upstairs, because I am afraid I will be judged or taken the wrong way, even called a liar. So as i continue on this blogging journey bare with me.
Anyway, on to todays feelings. Well today wasn't much better for my mood at all.

I woke up at 6 pm, last night didn't even fall asleep until well after 5 am. I am sick of not being able to sleep! Not to mention the tax bullshit being on my mind. It was rejected so i have to wait until to tomorrow to call the IRS to straighten things out. Yay! for roadblocks...i also cant decided between paying off bills, a "honeymoon", or saving for a house we will never be able to afford anyway. I also need to just set a day for the sliding scale mental health clinic and just go...its just if i cant sleep until 5 am i am not awake in time to call at 8am for an appointment! :(

I am sick of the way my life has become. I am broke and my 21st birthday is next week with no money how the fucking hell am i supposed to pay for drinks or dinner on my birthday. I am tired of the way my luck plays out. We need money but i don't think i'm ready for a job. We deserve to get away but with bills that just not allowed. I want to have babies or at least find out if its even a possibility but we need a house to do that and money to get a house and two incomes to have money. Its a vicious unfair cycle.

OHHH!! and lets not forget! i gained 1.5 pounds! GAINED after all this counting shit (im on weight watchers into my 3rd week i had lost 7.5 lbs) i gained! i am so pissed. yes my cheat day was extreme and i went over one other day but i made sure that i took the points i went over from the next day so i wouldn't go over again. I am sorry but being fat, broke, and bipolar with no insurance or way to help myself how HELL am i ever going to get out of this hell hole? I feel like i am in a down ward spiral that has no end.