How generic, "Day One"...I just couldn't think of anything else to title it.
Well, I have decided since I am not seeing anyone for my bipolar or on any meds...I would start a journal of my everyday experiences with my emotions and feelings. This is so that when I do finally go, I will be able to revisit the times i so often forget while in therapy.
I guess to explain how I got here I would have to go back to the beginning of my demise. The thing is i say demise when inside so many other words are running through my mind, like: ruin, life, journey, love, him, her, them, the cutting. Where is it i shall point a finger to blame for this? The answer is none of these. It isn't and wasn't my demise it was merely just the discovery of my illness, another contradicting thought "Is it an illness or is it all in my head?" "does anyone see what i am going through" "will the doctor believe me, will they care?". Its just when i am in this bottomed out point that i think of terms like this. Its when I am at this point that my poetry and writing is the darkest, yet at its best. I won't go back to the beginning, yet. I just don't know if now is the right time to rehash some of that. Today I will just discuss the past week or so.
All week i have felt at a plateau like almost like there is nothing wrong with me at all. I even questioned if i needed to go back to therapy. I almost felt like it was all in my head. Maybe i am too emotional or i overreact? I still though would get sick at the thought of going back out to the work force. When i think about working its almost, as dramatic as it sounds, like literally making me think about the most embarrassing, sad, or emotional thing that has happened and wrapping them into one. Its like i am afraid to work, for many reasons....what will happen while I'm there, will someone judge me, will i do something wrong, will i make someone mad, will they like me my thoughts race with thoughts like these until i cant stop crying and i feel so overwhelmed i just want to scream and cry and curl into a ball and give up. This frustrates me i used to be so dedicated and strong work willed. I have changed and i hate it so much.
Anyway, i went to see two of my best friends for a full 24 hours, and though i tossed and turned all i night i haven't had so much fun or felt so much like "myself" in so long...if felt amazing...the thought of normalcy even crossed my mind, a job, school, babies, a house all the things that hit me like a ton of bricks when i am "high on life". I feel unstoppable and unbreakable. Like i can fly or take on the world. Even when i got home i was so excited to be home. I felt like my problems were solved. And bam the world came crashing down. I went from happy and hyper to immediately mad. I then started a fight with my mom and i could feel the decline coming on faster and faster. I was then sad and felt hopeless a complete change from what i felt only hours before when i was gliding on air, now i was curled in a ball in bed bawling my eyes out for no reason really.
It feels so unfair how quickly these episodes come on and how sneaky and painful they are. I feel like i am an on an emotional roller coaster with no off switch. And i am screaming, but there is nothing anyone can do about it.
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