1. Buying our first home...process has been stressful and to be quite honest we cant afford it, but we have no choice. (no comments please about "oh you shouldnt do that..." because believe me its much more complicated than it seems.)
2. I struggle with the idea of going back to work. I never have the same outlook two days in a row. Some days I wanna work right away and get back in the game. The very next day I will be terrified to even think about putting in an application. We cant go one with one income anymore, but I just CANT do it right now. I am not old enough for SSI because i havent put enough years in, I know there is some sort of SSI I could get, but i need a doctor to help me get it approved...one i am afraid to ask about it, two i hate giving up.
3. I am quitting smoking because the new meds I am on. (Just started meds, just started therapy, and just saw Psychiatrist thru free psych program in my state) It makes me sick to eat, sick to smoke, sick to drink, I cant have alcohol, I cant have caffeine, the sugar makes me wanna puke.....what vice is left...not to mention I cant drive while taking this medication!? Soo...work again how is that gonna work out? My vision is bad distance wise bc of these meds, and most strangely I am confused and cloudy in my head...I couldn't remember a good friend of mines name who i have known for the better part of 4 years....!
4. Thoughts about heavy drugs...I have become curious...no no I haven't ever nor so i plan to try them or even know how i could try them...I am just very curious...I hear many Bipolars get into drugs...there must be some reason or correlation of it helping with symptoms?
5. I read an article today that made me extremely upset...and almost confirmed that I am possessed by something of the devil....it gave me goosebumps and made me want to check under the bed...it was creepy as hell read it if you get a chance, it made me absolutely sick to my stomach(beware bipolars this was a trigger for me): http://thebipolarspouse.com/2009/10/08/interview-with-bipolar-disorder/
6. I am struggling to get through to my family...and I am a constant nuisance to my husband it seems....I just want to pull my hair out and put a bullet in my head...I can please no one and its like being trapped inside this mind it killing me!
7. MONEY MONEY MONEY....there just isnt any how I have stretched what we do have as far as I have is beyond me and I dont know how we can continue to survive once we are homeowners....piss!
Anyway, I wish I had a huge screw driver loaded with more vodka than juice, a nice cigarette, a good cd, and a boat to sail away on......fuck me... Im medicated and I feel worse.
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