Mania and Depression

Well the past few weeks have been nothing but a roller coaster of emotion for me. One day high on life, the next so sad i cant get out of bed. Nothing really new to mention, but I have had some tough days...today was a cheerful day and i hope that it stays that way for a while. I typically beat my depressive state by staying busy...but i found myself so busy i was overwhelmed and got very depressed. I went on a trip to the beach with some friends...though it was very nice, i came back feeling so much worse about myself than i had when i left. A woman actually thought that i was the mother of my friend who is in fact older than me. I felt like a whale and just disgusting every time i looked in the mirror...I drank a few times while i was there and I have never felt so suicidal. I try not to share with friends, because though they want to they dont understand...and even when they do listen i at times feel that they are sick of hearing it. I am tried of being a burden on the ones i love. I am trying...and i truly just want to get in to see a doctor, but either the money isn't there or their non insured appointment times are completely full! I have even contacted a DBSA support group only to find dead ends and no one will call or email me back! i feel like i am suffocating in a never ending roller coaster ride. I just want to stop and just breath but it seems impossible. I am tired, worn out, and frankly fed up. I am not suicidal right now at this moment, but can feel myself getting closer to that self mutilating point. I am doing everything i know to do to stay away from that, but I am becoming more helpless it seems to my condition. Though i am for healthcare reform...I am soo confused how it will help me! ?

I hope everyone knows, I haven't been avoiding you or not reading blogs to be rude...just really i haven't even felt like writing my own feelings down. As I have stated before I cant even differentiate what i am feeling moment to moment at times....Any ideas what i can do...I feel at my wits end! HELP! I dont want another week of emotion like this one has been.