Help

I am at my wits end. I am angry, frustrated, and ready to give up. Everyday is a constant battle with my family. They struggle to understand and i struggle to tell them. They get angry with me saying I should feel for them, because of the stress i bring to their lives. I am told that they are having as much of a hard time as I am. Oh really, last time i checked they werent the ones dealing with the symptoms. They arent the ones that long to be normal, that wish everyday wasnt a new battle with symptoms, people, emotions....I know its hard for them, but god why must i add that guilt to my already full plate. I do feel bad for the way I am but why should i...is it really my fault? I am told that i just refuse to be postive, that its in me i just wont let it out. Is this also true, am i missing something? I am sorry but just because i smile or laugh doesnt mean the pain is gone or that these thoughts arent still lingering...just because i seem to be happy doesnt mean im not just trying to be..... When i have a good day you know, because I talk about it, I delight in it and i hold it tight for as long as i am able...i wish and pray that it wont end...that i can feel happy like that all the time...but i cant make it stay and inevitable truth is that it wont stay it cant. So while i sit here bawling my eyes out, alone, angry, confused, and even more upset than when i started writing this, wishing to God i was dead...they have each other to talk to and relate to...who the hell do i have to hug me and say i understand?! who? I am tired of feeling alone...i am tired of being the only person in my life who has anything remotely close to this problem. I hate it... I am so sick and tired of this bullshit. I just want to scream MAKE IT STOP! and I AM SORRY I AM SUCH A FUCK UP!
Alone, sick, crying, hysterical, literally about to just give up and give in...I am so done... I really really am.

Feeling Very Down and No Control

I have never been a small girl. Other than when I was a baby. I had always managed to stay under 180 through out school...when i graduate and started college i gained the typical 10-15 pounds. When my doctor put me on my first anti-psychotic meds...i gained a whopping 35 pounds in ONE month. I had never in all my life felt as disgusting, fat, and uncomfortable as i did at that point. I have always had a low self esteem,but that topped the highest notch. I then weighed 230 pounds. Even people that were around me everyday noticed the difference and would ask if I was okay. I was steadily gaining a pound or more a day, not even changing my eating habits. I was lost and my psychiatrist didn't care. It wasn't until i literally threw a tantrum in his office before he would change my meds. Sure enough i lost 10 of the 35 i gained, almost immediately after changing meds. Still i remained at 225+ pounds. I gained not only weight but stretch marks! I never had an issue with stretch marks until that happened. Now I am covered in them. I hate my body so much more than i ever have before. Lotions, vitamins, and now diet...I am slowly losing the weight, down to 216, but the stretch marks just take any glory i feel from the weight loss. I will go to the bathroom to take a shower look at myself and want to just break down and cry, and sometimes I do. I won't even let my husband watch me change clothes, I cant stand the sight of myself, and I don't want any thought rolling around in his head that might be judgmental of me. I guess my point is not only do i feel like my insides are disgusting and flawed, but my outward appearance as well. I feel absolutely repulsive all around. It is almost like I have no choice in any aspect of my life...1.my money situation...I blame myself, for having the bipolar that contributed to it (the credit card maxing on mania, the quitting jobs on mania, quitting school mania, and my fault for quitting meds, lying to my doctors,etc) 2. My weight...I have PCOS (another thing i am not on my medication for), Depression I have no motivation, obesity runs in my family, Bipolar, was on meds that cause weight gain..all those things cause this weight and/or makes it harder to get it off. 3. Medical Care...I have no choice because i have no insurance i have to take what is offered. 4. Food...the one thing that makes me feel better, safe, happy...i cant choose what i eat because i want to loose weight and i am on a diet. 5. Babies...I want babies...but one it would be selfish for many reasons...my bipolar, my husbands mom history of bipolar, I dont want a kid growing up with that kind of genetics or with a mom that cant even get it together half the time, it would also be selfish because my husband and i cant provide for it anyway be it money or a bedroom...we have neither...
I just feel like nothing in my life has purpose, I have no control of anything, I cant have any dreams come true that i had for myself, I feel like this illness is taking over and no matter how hard i fight it its going to get me in the end.
I am gonna share a "secret"...every time I watch a movie where there is suicide..and i have seen a few that steamed from bipolar disorder...I cry, I panic and I cant stop thinking to myself that that is my inevitable fate......and even if it isn't? What is my purpose? I bring stress to all around me, I make mistake after mistake after mistake, and i just feel I am in a whirl wind that won't stop. I wish this was all a bad dream and i could just wake up.
Earlier I touched on this, but my question is: Without Bipolar Disorder, what defines me? Who am I without my illness? What is the real me? What are my true dislikes and likes? What is my real personality underneath it all? Am i defined by Bipolar or is that just who i am ? I am sorry for all my posts today and all the rambling and negativity....but i can definitely feel a bottom to this down coming soon...and i don't if this time i can get back up. It seems the whole world is caving in and i am screaming and no one is there to listen or hear me. excuses they may be, but its truly how i feel.

Doctors, Diagnosis, Fear, and Working

Ok, so there is this place about 30 minutes from where i live that accepts patients with no insurance, but you have to call at 8am...for a same day appointment. I have a few drawbacks...one they do a sliding scale based on income...my husband is the only one that works, all of his paycheck has to go to bills or we wont make it...they are not going to see it this way and still want us to pay at the very least 20 dollars, plus prescriptions.
Second drawback, I have a dreadful sleep schedule and half the time I am just hitting the hay at 8am.
Third drawback, I am afraid. i am absolutely terrified of going back to see a psychiatrist. I am not so afraid of the therapist part, but the actual doctor...yea i am scared shitless. The last man i saw, was so mean. I know mean is an understated preschool word, but he was. I felt two inches tall while sitting in front of him. I felt judged, laughed at, hated, and worst of all like he didn't believe a word I said. He never even gave me a true diagnoses. He said we are treating you for bipolar...almost like he didn't want to give it a name...but that he had to call it something...no type of bipolar no extra pieces of diagnosis..nothing. He always acted put upon for having to write scripts and for having to write a letter for me to be able to go back to work. He even expressed his dislike towards me and I continued to go because i like my therapist, and i couldn't see my therapist if i didn't stay with his practice. He even would get angry with me if i shared things with my therapist that i didn't with him...umm, HELLOOO i got 20 minutes with him and an hour with my therapist...he would accuse me of lying to him and would say so smugly "How can i help you if you are going to lie to me every time we meet?" Every time i had an appointment with him I would feel nauseated...scared even to open my mouth. I never felt comfortable and i never felt like i could be completely honest with him.
I just really don't want another experience like the one i had. I am afraid.
The other thing i am scared of is working again. On Meds...i space out..i move slow, i cant keep up, i feel like people are talking to me through a tunnel, I don't preform well at all. Off meds, i cry hysterically before going to work to the point my husband wont even let me drive so i am late or don't go in at all, I get so angry while i am at work, I back talk superiors and even customers, I will even appear crazy when i talk to myself....yea i know i'm retarded i talk to myself....before going into work i just dread it, before i cry, i just think of different scenarios and i stress myself out, i get a headache, stomach ache and i want to run in the house cry and go back to bed...the thought of work is unbearable to me. If and when i get to work all i think is "they are judging me" i drive myself crazy adjusting my clothes, talking under my breath, watching everyone around me, every move they make, I cant stand it...i feel like everyone is watching me...then it feels like someone is sitting on my chest and it gets really hard to breathe...especially when its crowded or loud. Is this normal? Does everyone feel this way about work..how do they work through it if they do...? I hate that my husband has to provide for me...he has given up things to work to provide for me...I feel like a failure, a leech, a parasite, incompetent...and this is with or without meds. Read on if you want to see how i go to the point i am now....
[The story of how I got unemployed and without doctor supervision...long story short
I had been cutting..first time ever started when i was 20...It got worse when i was put on lithium...i was seriously contemplating suicide...I was put on medical leave at work.....i admitted myself to a mental hospitol for a week...i got out decided i didn't want this anymore...i quit my job got, lost my insurance, lied to my psychiatrist that i was feeling much better since my wonderful experience at the hospital (which was full of drug addicts not one person with an illness like me), quit seeing the therapist and psych (no insurance), Quit my meds (no doc, insurance, or refills), went back to the university, got a part time job, had a horrible manic depressive mood quit going to class, withdrew from school quit my new job...and the rest...history...this is where i am today...my husband and i live with my parents, because we lost out rental house when i lost my job, he works a job that pays only a small amount more than minimum wage... we have no insurance, he gets less than 40 hours a week, I have no job, no schooling, no doctor, no life....I am pathetic and everyday feel the effects of my bad mistakes. I feel worthless. I now blog to keep myself busy and to relate with others. MY friends and family get sick of hearing my sob story and i guess i don't blame them.]
Sorry for all the posting today...just a lot on my mind...two posts may not be all...but i will try to hold back.

Family, Friends, and Other Stuff

Do you ever feel like people just do not want you around? I do. My friends often wonder why I am so down a lot of the time, why I am not always happy and ready to go out and do things. They wonder why sometimes I am not my silly self or why I am to tears over things that are "silly" to cry about. The moment though that I decide to explain it to them...they half listen, change the subject, or don't listen at all. Then after the conversation is finally over I then don't hear from them for a long while...its like when I am feeling up and happy thats when I have to call them, its never them calling to check in on me. (i take that back there is one friend that does worry from time to time and i appreciate that)But a majority of them only want the me thats wild and crazy and silly and weird....do they not realize thats mania? That's bipolar behavior also. Then its when I am on meds...they think i am supposed to magically feel better and be the me i am when i am happy manic...they are disappointed when i am blahh. I sit stare into space, feel so lethargic, nothing makes me happy or sad or angry, i am just "there". It's like this blog...they don't understand me...but they won't even take the time to read how i feel....its hypocritical "I want to know, but..." I wont read or listen to what you have to say.
As for my family...well...there are similar behaviors. There is the family i live near and am very close to and then theres the people I keep in touch with and see every summer. All of them notice things in me...notice somethings off about me, but only a few take interest...and none are without judgement. The ones that take interest think they are the all knowing God's of bipolar and what they think and know is the truth and that they know exactly what i need and what i feel...like i am a science projects to study! Even the people in this category will go as far as saying how much they understand, but when i have a swing, a moment, a trigger...its not because i am bipolar..or that that is just how i am its...."you are a baby", "you are immature", "you are a bitch", "grow up". I just want to scream! Why am I not an adult, because of the way i act in certain situations? I am pretty sure there are all kinds of "adults" and not all can be categorized the same. Who and what defines what an adult is? I am by no means using my illness as a scapegoat, but I know that a lot of my ways have a lot to do with it. As i have said in previous posts...where does bipolar start and end and where does "ME" begin? Where, who, what am I? Sometimes in family affairs i get so angry and i go public with my scoldings and hateful words...(Facebook) I will scold them all and be as mean as can be...inside i am yelling don't do that don't do that..you will cause problems, you will make someone mad or hurt or worse...but i do it anyway...i let my rage take over...(not saying i don't mean what i say, just that i could have kept it to myself) like is that me or my illness? Why cant i control it if it is me? OR is it simply that I am my illness???! If thats the case I don't know that it is worth living...I want to be someone with my own thoughts, my own mind, my own wants, likes and dislikes...not this jumble of a mess inside of me. When i do things like this I am then scolded...and ripped apart by the family members that don't care and don't see it for face value. The other thing i think is are they mad because its true or mad because i was so mean about it? I am accused of jumping to conclusions, being irrational, speaking out of turn, and other things...maybe thats true but at the time of writing it it just doesn't feel that way to me. That aside...overall i feel cast aside by my family and by my friends...like i am not welcome amongst them unless i put on a happy face, or I am medicated...(when medicated there is no face at all) they actually prefer me as a shell of myself...emotionless, quiet, tired, zombified. My dad even goes as far to say that I am making up my bipolar as an excuse to be and i quote "LAZY".
With this illness, can anyone really ever love "me"?? Is it possible? Am i just overacting?

Bipolar Awareness Ribbon

Ever notice how so many other illness have so much recognition and Bipolar isnt? It is almost as if it isn't real or important. I get that cancer and diabetes and such are all things to support, and they are deadly...but isn't bipolar also. I mean according to some places like ,http://www.bipolar-lives.com/bipolar-suicides.html, suicide rate amongst Bipolar people is 15% even up to 30% based on some studies which is more than 30 times the rest of the population. I think that is something to help support for new research, programs, and support groups. I mean it isn't even important enough for a ribbon! The closets thing to an awareness ribbon there is is the Light Green ribbon, where it is represented by category of mental illness, some sights don't even list that, not to mention we have to share the ribbon with so many other causes too like:Campaign for Open Adoption Records,Cerebral Palsy, Ecology/Environment,Glaucoma, Health, Kidney Cancer/Kidney Disease, Leukemia, Mental Health, Mitochondrial Disease, Missing Children, Neural Tube Defects, Organ & Tissue Donor, Ovarian Cancer, Prostate Cancer, and Recycling. I understand all these have to share the ribbon too..but why aren't creative ribbons made for each. The gay ribbon is a rainbow and it shares with no one, breast cancer has a solid pink that shares with no one, and even appendix cancer has its own color?! Not to be unsympathetic or to say these aren't important, but what makes them more important? I don't know maybe this is a stupid gesture, but man it kinda bothers me.

Control and Impulses

Sometimes I just get the urge to be "annoying" in all sorts of ways. Knocking on the wall at 2 am loudly, and then laughing. Or yelling anything from words to just noises. I find everything rude to be funny...and when I get the urge to do these things I "have" to do them. My husband says, "please control yourself", or "why can't you just stop?" It just isn't that easy. He thinks I am just being ridiculous when I tell him its really hard to do. Its like when i get the urge to do these things...and i don't do them my stomach starts to hurt, almost to the point of wanting to throw up a lot of the time, my head hurts something fierce, even my eyes with ache, and my ears will ring. When i give in to the urge it slowly goes away. Trust me I am always thinking about how its going to make someone mad and when i laugh they assume its done on purpose or to piss them off. I will admit that i do get a kick out of annoying people...and i don't know why. I mean sometimes I even just laugh uncontrollably at nothing and for no reason. What is strange...is I will get similar urges around people I don't know well or at all or while i am in public, but it is much easier to control and I don't feel those symptoms as much either. Is it all in my head? Anyway thats all I have really been thinking about today.

Btw slept great last night...took some sleeping pills....I hope i don't need them tonight.

Excuses and Life After Death and God

Last night i had decided i was going to stay up all night and day today to go to bed at a decent time tonight. Well, i failed miserably. I crashed at about 10am this morning. While I was awake, just before i fell asleep, i began to think again....about death. Why this topic is so often on my mind don't ask me, but it is.
This time i wondered...does God know i am bipolar? Or will he see it as an excuse...its like Gay people...some of them claim it is something they are born with...being gay is a sin, but so is some of the things I do as a bi polar person....Does God know that we cant help it? Does he overlook it? Or does he see it as an excuse? Is it an excuse? Just something that we make up to make us feel better about sin and bad behavior? Will we be cast to hell for being Bi polar? Am i handling it right, is it even real? Do I need to ask forgiveness for something i cant control? Is it a sin to think the things i think, and if it is why is it if i cant control what i am thinking? How do you just stop thinking bad things? So those are the questions that rambled early this morning. Am I CRAZY?!
I also began to wonder...can you still claim you have faith if you are unsure? I am so unsure...i stress about these things at least once a day.
Something that has also been on my mind...when we die...do we forget the ones we love...does our love change? The reason i ask is because...well when we go to heaven we are supposed to love everyone just the same and if we have memory of our life how will that be possible to love strangers the same as your husband kids or parents? How will it be possible to love people you didn't like if you remember them? Does love change when we die? What if your husband or wife dies before you and you remarry...who is waiting for you when you die? first spouse or second or both and how will you choose? I mean are we living a life we are just going to forget anyway?!? What about when we die are we going to go straight to heaven or hell? Or is there an in between? i mean you hear these people who can "talk to the dead" and like John Edwards says they aren't in heaven they are in a place somewhere in between...what is that? is that real? Someone once told me there is purgatory when we die. Where we have to be absolved of sin ...is this in the bible? What determines what makes us go to hell...i mean you can be a good person with good morals and not believe in God..will they go to hell? What about the people that believe in the wrong faith? will they also go to hell? The other thing...the bible was written so long ago...why haven't we heard from God since? Why would he just stop? i know no one knows these answers 100% for sure...but they are things that float in my mind, that i have to push aside, but every once in a while they pop up again. Like i said i am a Christian, i just have a lot of questions...sigh.

Death...Sleep...and other stuff

Well, last night was another sleeping struggle. I think i am tired and will lie down, and almost immediately i am wide awake again. This time the thought that so often crosses my mind was, death. My head "What happens when we die? Is it a sin to question this? Will i see my family again? Will we remember our lives? How different will things be, and for the better? Will i go to hell for questioning this? I am a Christian and believe that Jesus died for me, but what if i am wrong and is wrong to think that? Will heaven be boring, is it wrong to ask this? I don't have the greatest life, but i love the people in it and the things i do...will heaven just be pillows to lay on and relaxation all the time? Forever just seems so long...won't we ever get sick of existence? Why cant i be so sure of things like everyone around me seems to be? When will i die? Will it hurt? Will i be old? Will i have unfinished business? Have i told everyone i love i love them?" Okay, i think you get the idea...its a freaking mess in there. I cant shake the thoughts and frustrates me that i think these things all the time. I have tried discussing them with other people...and really it just seems so easy for them and they are so sure of what is to come...and they seem to just get frustrated with me about even thinking the things i do. But, trust me if i didn't have to think these things i wouldn't!
Another thing that has been really bad lately is my urge to annoy....all i want to do is annoy people, esp my husband. When he is dosing off i cant help myself, but to make a noise or disturb him in some way. I know this is mean and wrong but i just cant help it...it makes me laugh, and later i regret it when we fight or when i think about how rude it was. ahh....
On a happy note...end of week three of Weight Watchers lost another 1.7 pounds! :) Hoping i can lose 3 next week....but for now its cheat day so i have decided a Wopper from burger king sounds a- ok to me!
Goodbye for now, thanks for reading

Confusion, Who Am I?

Mood today: depressed and confused
Well, last night was another one of those unsettling nights where i cant get my mind to take a rest long enough for me to get some shut eye. I didn't end up going to sleep until after 9 am sometime. I woke up this morning full of thoughts that make me cry. I read last night about mania, somethings I knew about and others were new to me altogether. Mania for those of you who don't know is things like: irritability, hostility, excitability, restlessness, inappropriate behaviors or humor, impulsiveness, extravagant spending, grandiose thinking, distractability, racing thoughts, creative thinking, disorientation, exhilaration, and much more...the one thing i found out that was new to me was the fact that when in a mania we tend to make plans or goals that are unrealistic or unattainable. This made me cry, it made me question who i am. I am always coming up with new ideas and making plans that i never keep. All along it thought that these things are things that i am interested in. I never saw them as something that my illness provoked...and maybe they are things that i want, but as it states "not realistic". I have lived my life with so much disappointment in myself, because i never seem to live up to my expectations or things i plan never work out. Has it just been that all this time i have been setting my standards to high? Is it really so extravagant to want a vacation , even with our low income, is it wrong to want to buy a house and not rent, is it wrong to want my car fixed, get a degree, write a book, start a hobby??? Are all these things unrealistic..where does the mania start and where does it end, where is the line between reality and me, and mania and me ? Whats true and whats not? Is my whole life nothing but mistakes, because of my wishful thinking, or is it just that i am a failure?
For as long as people started telling me i showed signs of bipolar...i would laugh it off. I don't even think when i was diagnosed that i even believed it then. Yeah i would tell people thats what i had, but only because so many times it seemed i owed people an explanation...not necessarily because i believed it. But as of these last few weeks, i have been thinking so much. I have actually been seeing what other people see, even some things that others don't see. I can look back at least a week or so and see my waves of emotion. I can look back two weeks in this particular case and see how i have been building up to the other day with my friends, building up to that absolute happiest peak, only to crash and burn. I am learning with what i read about mania, that i am 90% of the time in some sort of mania, but as i decline the symptoms change. When i hit bottom i stay at bottom for maybe days or weeks at a time. One thing i find curious though, is that not all my mania symptoms are gone. I will be so deep into depression yet i still wont be able to sleep, the only thing that changes there is that when i do finally fall asleep i don't wake up for sometimes 24 hours. I am still irritable, only now i am irritable and weepy. When i am in this state i feel like everything and everyone is judging me, and i am automatically set into defensive mode. People are always getting angry with me when i snap or get hostile, but the truth is i don't feel like i can help it.
I mean hate using the bipolar card, I always have...it makes me feel weak, and like i am making up excuses for being a horrible person, but now i am starting to think maybe it is true that bipolar swings do this to me, and that it isn't my fault. Okay, so now maybe i am a believer in this bipolar shit...but how do i convince others that this is a real thing, people that don't have it, or don't know anyone first hand who does. How can i make it reality for them? So that they wont judge inappropriately or so they won't get so angry. Trust me, I know it sounds pathetic or desperate, or like i said like i am trying to find excuses for being an unpredictable bitch...but it isn't. Maybe that is the first step...to understand that i am not making this up for myself...maybe then it will be easier for others to understand that too. I have to believe in what i have in order for me to help myself so others can help me. I don't know tomorrow i may have the same attitude as before, but today i understand a little better and i want to continue to learn. I want to learn so that i can better understand myself and i can help others to understand it too. Also so that maybe one day when i blog i will be a success story of someone LIVING with bipolar can live a life worth living.

Some Insight to Me and Things I Can't Control

1.Racing thoughts (especially at night), about everything from did i remember to pay that bill to how i will die
2. Uncontrollable behavior, so many of you think I do these things on purpose, but my god I at times wish could get a grip. Examples: Barking, yelling, pinching, poking, hitting, crying, chattering, singing, laughing, spending, obsessing, compulsionary actions, running my mouth without control(if i don't do these things i am in literal physical pain, my stomach starts to hurt or my head or both, sometimes i even feel like i am going to throw up if i don't, or the thoughts wont go away and i am unable to concentrate on anything else, the noises and yelling make me feel almost euphoric) I know how dumb it sounds really i do.
3. Paranoia, I feel like everyone is judging me, looking at me, talking about me, like i am always making the wrong decisions, like someone is following me, like people are mad even when i have done nothing wrong, like something bad is going to happen all the time, trust issues
4. Fear, death (in all forms accidents, animals, illnesses, medicine etc)
5. Sleep deprivation, I lie awake all hours of the night...a lot of times because of a compulsionary activity I "need" to do or because of racing thoughts
6.Worry(see numbers 1, 3, 4)
7. Crying, feeling hopeless for many reasons and sometimes nothing at all
8. Shopping, I spend and I feel happy again even euphoric
9. Clingy (see numbers 3, 4, 6)
10. Confrontational, over little things (but inside me they feel huge, important, and like im going to explode if i dont say something about it)
11. Can never make up my mind (constant uncertainty, regret, flip floppy)
12. Very analytical (overly analytical)
13. Anxious ( i have no patience. i rush)
14. Make plans or dreams or goals and never keep them going
15. Hyper (uncontrollably happy, excited, bouncing off the walls, life high, extremely loud and obnoxious)
16. I forget and lose everything!
there are more i just need to think on it some more but this gives you some idea to the inner most feelings i have and to my crazy personality.

2/22/2010 Day Two: more BS

I guess I can start out today, with a little background. I have seen therapists and psychiatrists off and on since my parents divorce when I was four(?). I have been medicated. It wasn't until about a year ago that I was even diagnosed as Bi-polar. The doctor I had, was one of the most incredibly rude individuals i have ever met. He made me feel less of a person and even stupid for some of the things i would say. The office he worked in also had therapists. I had begun to see one of them as well, who would often not listen to what I would be saying to him, get facts mixed up and then when he would report to my actual Psychiatrist...he would think what i was telling each of them was contradicting and the psych. actually accused me of lying. Since this I have become very self conscience of even talking about what i feel or whats going on upstairs, because I am afraid I will be judged or taken the wrong way, even called a liar. So as i continue on this blogging journey bare with me.
Anyway, on to todays feelings. Well today wasn't much better for my mood at all.

I woke up at 6 pm, last night didn't even fall asleep until well after 5 am. I am sick of not being able to sleep! Not to mention the tax bullshit being on my mind. It was rejected so i have to wait until to tomorrow to call the IRS to straighten things out. Yay! for roadblocks...i also cant decided between paying off bills, a "honeymoon", or saving for a house we will never be able to afford anyway. I also need to just set a day for the sliding scale mental health clinic and just go...its just if i cant sleep until 5 am i am not awake in time to call at 8am for an appointment! :(

I am sick of the way my life has become. I am broke and my 21st birthday is next week with no money how the fucking hell am i supposed to pay for drinks or dinner on my birthday. I am tired of the way my luck plays out. We need money but i don't think i'm ready for a job. We deserve to get away but with bills that just not allowed. I want to have babies or at least find out if its even a possibility but we need a house to do that and money to get a house and two incomes to have money. Its a vicious unfair cycle.

OHHH!! and lets not forget! i gained 1.5 pounds! GAINED after all this counting shit (im on weight watchers into my 3rd week i had lost 7.5 lbs) i gained! i am so pissed. yes my cheat day was extreme and i went over one other day but i made sure that i took the points i went over from the next day so i wouldn't go over again. I am sorry but being fat, broke, and bipolar with no insurance or way to help myself how HELL am i ever going to get out of this hell hole? I feel like i am in a down ward spiral that has no end.

2/20/2010 Day One

How generic, "Day One"...I just couldn't think of anything else to title it.
Well, I have decided since I am not seeing anyone for my bipolar or on any meds...I would start a journal of my everyday experiences with my emotions and feelings. This is so that when I do finally go, I will be able to revisit the times i so often forget while in therapy.
I guess to explain how I got here I would have to go back to the beginning of my demise. The thing is i say demise when inside so many other words are running through my mind, like: ruin, life, journey, love, him, her, them, the cutting. Where is it i shall point a finger to blame for this? The answer is none of these. It isn't and wasn't my demise it was merely just the discovery of my illness, another contradicting thought "Is it an illness or is it all in my head?" "does anyone see what i am going through" "will the doctor believe me, will they care?". Its just when i am in this bottomed out point that i think of terms like this. Its when I am at this point that my poetry and writing is the darkest, yet at its best. I won't go back to the beginning, yet. I just don't know if now is the right time to rehash some of that. Today I will just discuss the past week or so.
All week i have felt at a plateau like almost like there is nothing wrong with me at all. I even questioned if i needed to go back to therapy. I almost felt like it was all in my head. Maybe i am too emotional or i overreact? I still though would get sick at the thought of going back out to the work force. When i think about working its almost, as dramatic as it sounds, like literally making me think about the most embarrassing, sad, or emotional thing that has happened and wrapping them into one. Its like i am afraid to work, for many reasons....what will happen while I'm there, will someone judge me, will i do something wrong, will i make someone mad, will they like me my thoughts race with thoughts like these until i cant stop crying and i feel so overwhelmed i just want to scream and cry and curl into a ball and give up. This frustrates me i used to be so dedicated and strong work willed. I have changed and i hate it so much.
Anyway, i went to see two of my best friends for a full 24 hours, and though i tossed and turned all i night i haven't had so much fun or felt so much like "myself" in so long...if felt amazing...the thought of normalcy even crossed my mind, a job, school, babies, a house all the things that hit me like a ton of bricks when i am "high on life". I feel unstoppable and unbreakable. Like i can fly or take on the world. Even when i got home i was so excited to be home. I felt like my problems were solved. And bam the world came crashing down. I went from happy and hyper to immediately mad. I then started a fight with my mom and i could feel the decline coming on faster and faster. I was then sad and felt hopeless a complete change from what i felt only hours before when i was gliding on air, now i was curled in a ball in bed bawling my eyes out for no reason really.
It feels so unfair how quickly these episodes come on and how sneaky and painful they are. I feel like i am an on an emotional roller coaster with no off switch. And i am screaming, but there is nothing anyone can do about it.