And it comes to a point where it isn't even about being this or that, bipolar or not. It is about my life and how incredibly depressing and lame it is. I have no friends, and before the oh what about XXX or XXX...no! Friends do not treat friends the way XXX and XXX treat me. I do the same thing everyday, sleep up until between the hours or 11-2 then I get up check Facebook, check email, check blog, and then play an online game or watch on demand television. How exciting and fun it is. And then someone might say well that's not everyday. You're right, some days I have to get online to pay bills. Okay, so what is exciting, or even stimulating about that life??? What, no seriously tell me what is stimulating? NOTHING! It is a boring sink hole that just gets worse. Buying a house with my husband, with no money??! HAHAHAHA, what a joke. I will be the first to place a bet on that one.....foreclosure before the first year is up, guarantee it. Then yay!!! Credit ruined forever, not that mine isnt already sunk. What is there to look forward to please tell me??! There is nothing, but more debt, more tears, more failure, and this void that keeps getting bigger.
So I am married and under the age of 26....well my parents got new insurance that will cover me. Should be happy right?? Nope...I get my therapy and psych for free through a government program....with that insurance that would cover me across the board and not to mention the meds I want...I have to pay 15.00 co pay every visit....HAHAHAHA I dont have $45 a month or more! I dont have it!!!! WHY?! It isn't fair...its like there is a gold lining but for me when I get to it I realize its only fools gold. I HATE MY LIFE. I hate how I feel everyday and how I think. Since yesterday, I have felt like while I am sitting in this existence like I am not really in this body or in the present here and now...I feel strange like I am looking in like everyone is speaking in a tunnel.....the sound is muffled and the world around me isn't where I am....
I don't want to be sad anymore, I don't want to feel this way anymore...I want to just let go, but I dont know whats holding me back from letting go.
5 comments:
I feel ya! Been there. It's the depression talking. Really it is. Some small spec of you inside, that spec that keeps you from ending your life, is your "self" and not your depression. I imagine your "self" is so buried that you feel your depression is your "self". Maybe anyway.
It sounds like you're going through a super rough time, both emotionally and in your life circumstances. So sorry. Hang in there.
Hello out there,
I find your blog from Lil's blog. I thought I would stop by. You can stop by my site, I would love for you to tell me what you think!
I felt the way you felt before. How long have you had bipolar disorder? I have had my illness for ten years and if you work hard enough it does get better. Life is funny. Just live it and it will get better. I promise.
Hugs and blessings,
Amanda
I am sorry you are feeling this way, I have been there way too many times!
It really is the depression talking, not you. IF you don't mind me asking do you see your therapist frequently? I find that when I get depressed only my therapist helps, because she only listens to me for an hour, sometimes we just need to get it all out and not be judged.
I know it gets miserable a lot, I wish there was some advice I could give that would make it all go away.
Don't give up.
http://copingbipolar.blogspot.com
Are you okay? It has been forever since I have heard from you.
Post a Comment