selfish?

Why is it selfish to want to leave this life behind? People always say that..."It's selfish to leave the people that love you behind." Why is it selfish?! Do they go through this, day in and day out? NO!

And it comes to a point where it isn't even about being this or that, bipolar or not. It is about my life and how incredibly depressing and lame it is. I have no friends, and before the oh what about XXX or XXX...no! Friends do not treat friends the way XXX and XXX treat me. I do the same thing everyday, sleep up until between the hours or 11-2 then I get up check Facebook, check email, check blog, and then play an online game or watch on demand television. How exciting and fun it is. And then someone might say well that's not everyday. You're right, some days I have to get online to pay bills. Okay, so what is exciting, or even stimulating about that life??? What, no seriously tell me what is stimulating? NOTHING! It is a boring sink hole that just gets worse. Buying a house with my husband, with no money??! HAHAHAHA, what a joke. I will be the first to place a bet on that one.....foreclosure before the first year is up, guarantee it. Then yay!!! Credit ruined forever, not that mine isnt already sunk. What is there to look forward to please tell me??! There is nothing, but more debt, more tears, more failure, and this void that keeps getting bigger.

So I am married and under the age of 26....well my parents got new insurance that will cover me. Should be happy right?? Nope...I get my therapy and psych for free through a government program....with that insurance that would cover me across the board and not to mention the meds I want...I have to pay 15.00 co pay every visit....HAHAHAHA I dont have $45 a month or more! I dont have it!!!! WHY?! It isn't fair...its like there is a gold lining but for me when I get to it I realize its only fools gold. I HATE MY LIFE. I hate how I feel everyday and how I think. Since yesterday, I have felt like while I am sitting in this existence like I am not really in this body or in the present here and now...I feel strange like I am looking in like everyone is speaking in a tunnel.....the sound is muffled and the world around me isn't where I am....

I don't want to be sad anymore, I don't want to feel this way anymore...I want to just let go, but I dont know whats holding me back from letting go.

Growing Up

Today I am wondering why my life just passes me by? All my life since as far back as I can remember, I have been growing up too quick and too much all at once.

When I was very small three and four....the only memories I have of my parents together are bad ones...I remember my dad being so angry at my mom that he threw a seagull sculpture from the bathroom across the kitchen and it smashed into a million pieces right in front of me in my high chair. I remember knowing that my mom and dad were mad at each other, or mad at me sometimes I didn't know which it was. I went to the porch and picturesque scene really, gorgeous orange sunset, front porch down south, cow fields on either side and the smell of the river...I saw my dad through the screen door sitting alone with his hands over his face...I knew that my mom would scratch my dads back when he had a long day, so I went outside and touched his back and "Daddy, do you want me to scratch your back?", all i remember is him throwing his hands in the air and telling me "Get back in the house with your mother!"...I ran, hid in my room (as I often did), and cried holding a picture of my grandmother. The picture was something I clung to when I was scared, when I was lonely, and especially when my parents would fight. I remember the picture so vivid in my mind (one of the few things I can picture without any strain). It was a faded picture her hair was much longer than the grandma I knew then, her hair was dark brown and wavy, she wore a lavender shirt, her eyes sparkled and her smile was warm and inviting. I always found comfort when I would hold onto that picture and cry. I would talk to it like it was my only friend in the world. The night that my parents split up I sat outside their bedroom door, and I heard them arguing and my mom was crying. I knew that this time this fight would be the end of what I knew to be my family. My four year old body trembled as I began to cry bulging tears. I slid down the wall and buried my face in my lap. I heard their voices raising, and it was too much. I ran to my room grabbed my grandmothers picture and buried myself in a pile of stuffed animals. I remember when dad left and mom came into my room, she wanted to hug me and I guess talk about what was going on. I pulled away, I was angry with her..."I want grandma!" I begged her to take me to grandma's. She then stood up began to walk away, jerked her head back around and snapped at me "Fine, you want grandma, I will take you to your grandma!" At this time in her mind I am sure it felt hopeless and painful that her husband was leaving for someone else, and now even her four year old wanted someone other than her. Yes, I feel bad now for wanting my grandma, but she was who made me feel safe. She made me feel like everything was okay. While I was with grandma, it was just her and I. There were no elephants in the room, or tension in the air..it was just giggles, hugs, and fun. When I tell my mom this story, in so many words not in the detail I have written here, she says she never knew I heard them arguing that night, or she would have made sure I was away from ear shot. Mom used to say that no matter where I was she would here me crying if I was in trouble, where was she then I can remember many nights lying awake thinking, why didn't she hear me that night?

When we moved in with my grandma shortly after that night...I remember my mom sitting on her bed, she was crying, again I can remember a bedside table light on and for some reason the color peach shines around the bed and curtains in my mind, he hair glistened in the light from the lamp, and her back was facing the door. I crawled onto the bed beside her and wrapped my arms around her. I whispered to her that "Everything will be okay mommy." I rested my head on her arm and concealed my tears from her the best I could. I knew then that things were never going to be that same, and they weren't. My mom began to work longer hours and was away a lot of the time. I loved the time with grandma, and it made us so much closer than we already were, but I still missed my mom. I remember when I would lay awake waiting for her return from a weekend away for work, and I would plan a theatrical greeting for her when she would walk through the door, I would practice in between grandma's check ins. I would lie my head on my pillow and close my eyes and pretend mom was walking through the door. I then would throw off the sheet and leap out of bed, then race to the door way hugging my imaginary mom and say "oh how I missed you, you have been gone too long." Then I would hear my grandma's footsteps, I would race back to bed, and pretend to be looking at my picture book. She would update me on how much longer it would be until mom would be home and tell me to be a good girl. When I hear my mom come through the door and place her suitcase down, I tossed my book aside, and slid deep under the sheets. As her footsteps approached I tried to make my eyelids as smoothly sleep like that I could, peeking of course to see when she entered the room. Her shadow appeared at the entry way and there she stood, and wasn't she beautiful I did my dramatic greeting, minus the speech about her being gone for too long and instead just buried my head in her tummy. I remember the smell, she has such a pretty perfume, and many times she was away I would spray her perfume on my pillow or arm just to help me fall asleep when she was gone. That I can honestly, but painfully say is one of my very very few memories of my mom as a child. I remember being young, but it seemed inside me there was something different than the kids at school, and than what I led on to my family. I would play kitchen and mock how my grandma would tidy up before my great grandma would visit. In side I would be so serious and really thought that I was cleaning my "kitchen" for company. Then my grandma asked what I was doing... I said so grown up and just like her "I am cleaning up, because mom is coming over." (talking about great grandma) She laughed and commented on how cute or silly or something like that, and I immediately was devastated...I thought I was helping. It was things like this that were just so odd when I look back on them. I was so upset because I hated being a child being thrown in my face, and thats exactly how I felt even then!? I was five maybe six, why would I care, I was a child. That is not the only instance that I remember being a child offending me...........

Anyway i will add to this post later...trust me there is much more I want to write about. Thanks for reading.

May 20th

Sorry for the generic title.

Yesterday was a depressing day yet again, but it wasn't depressing all the time all day...which was quite confusing. I was hyper and "manic". I wanted to make loud noises, pinch, poke and irritate my husband...I even went into my 8 year old sisters room at 11pm jumped on her to wake her up and then, she looks at me so sweet and darling and says I love you sissy...man did I feel bad...and do I know why I did this other than a sudden uncontrollable urge?? Nope, no idea. I just have these urges...I know most people don't understand why I cant just walk away or control these feelings, but it makes my stomach hurt and my head spin if I don't. Crazy? Yea, I know it is. Also, Last night I planned a budget for the next 3 months, it took me 5 hours to completely work it out and I still wasn't sure it was perfect...but I wanted it to be. I didn't fall asleep until after 3 last night and woke up at 7:30....whew...but I couldn't go back to sleep. Instead I became compulsive about trying to figure out whether i just need to suck it up and try to work or if ssi is the way to go. Work is more immediate, SSI could take awhile IF I even get approved. The thing about work is I just don't know that I am ready or that I can handle it???! I know I talk about this a lot, but it really does scare me. I know that some days I can handle work...but I also know some days I just can't. I realize that medication it supposed to stabalize my moods, but in my experience lately and in the past with medication...my vision is impacted, my balance, and even my mind wanders into nothing land. All reasons driving and working too long could be potentially bad or worse could trigger something. I just dont know. I have no courage to talk to my therapist or pdoc about this stuff....I just get so nervous and afraid of being judged or being "laughed at", even if it is in their heads...it is still going on, and it hurts me to know that is what they are thinking. Blahh enough with the race track of thoughts here. Tonight I am going to see a ballet with a friend and my little sister...I am hoping this will lighten my mood, but crossing my fingers it won't send me into full mania. Today my medicine dosage was increased 100mg...soooo we shall see what the difference may be.

Love you my loyal readers....Stay well and talk to ya later.

What is it about Doctors Appointments?

OK, so all week I have felt like shit! I have been on the verge of suicide, mental breakdown, and complete and utter despair. I have a therapist appointment tomorrow...and guess what??! Just guess??! I don't feel nearly as bad as I have been! Not even close! What the hell! I can never go in crying or upset, because I always feel better before I go! So they don't actually ever get to see me when i am depressed or upset...which 90 percent of the time I am! It just so happens, these appointments land right in the middle of my plateau in my cycle...so I am debating on whether I should bring my blog with me tomorrow, so she can read exactly what goes on in my whirling mind. What do you guys think? (I may be hospitalized if I show her these recent entries)

Gahh.....What to do?

Tornado in My Brain

Ok, So I stayed up all night last night, crying. I thought I was feeling better and then it hit me. I am so anxious, worried, and sick over this house buying business with my husband, that I am literally filled with fire...I have such heartburn it is crazy. I am completely incapable of calming my racing thoughts. I am so exhausted from my crazy brain, yet I just cant relax! I am beginning to wonder what on Earth I am doing here?! I have ruined my life in so many ways and did this only in a matter of less that 4 years...(since I turned 18). I take the wrong turn with every move I make. I make the worst decisions when I make them on my own...and my husband doesnt like to tell me no...well I neeeeeeed him to tell me no sometimes...I really do.

Anyway my mood is outrageously out of whack today...I am sad, ANGRY, confused, lethargic, and frankly I am ready to sleep for the next 100 years...please, just let me rest! I cant take my mind anymore...its like I am in there but I am inside a tornado...my rational, intelligent, sane me is in there its just being washed out by all these crazy ideas, emotions, and out of whack reality. I want to SCREAM, or punch someone...Gah...please make it stop!

Racing Suicide Ideations

(JUST SO EVERYONE IS AWARE I HAVE NO INTENTION OF HARMING MYSELF I AM EXPRESSING SOME THINGS THAT HAVE BEEN RUNNING THROUGH MY MIND THATS ALL NO WORRIES) read below my other blog from today to see some of the triggers of these feelings....

This morning I woke up, racing thoughts of death. I have all these ideas what I would say in a note and how I would do it if i were going to. The thing is I am too terrified to do any traditional self harming way. I really am to scared, it makes me mad that even that I have no control over.

Some of the thoughts I had this morning was, not the....razor, knife, water, rope, pills....I would have to force myself into a dangerous situation to actually succeed. A situation so dangerous, only a miracle who save me. Like, jumping in front of a train, after its too late to stop, jumping out of a plane with no parachute (highly unlikely to ever happen), driving my car off of a bridge with all doors lock and the keys thrown out the window with the child protection on windows rolled up, getting lost in the mountains with no supplies, these kinds of things...nothing that I could actually do of course..I may leave with every intention, but by the time I get there...nope I would panic and back out. The thing about it is...right now I know I couldn't do these things...but in my mind...I have always felt I would die young, and sometimes I feel like I know I will commit suicide give the right time, mind set, and opportunity. I have never reached total rock bottom, I have come damn near close, but I have never been to a point where I could actually end it all..no matter how much I think I want to or need to...I have never been able to actually feel bad enough to do it. But that doesn't stop the reel in my head from running each of these scenarios over and over again....the exact details of each incident, the looks on people's faces, the pain....it runs wild in my mind the past two days...and I can't stop the thoughts from coming. I know I sound nuts. I think about these things it makes my adrenaline rush...and then all I wanna do after that is read...i am mentally and physically exhausted.

I am Sick, get used to it!

The world around me seems a blur the past couple of days. I am sitting here in this real world, this real life, this real body....yet I feel like I am behind a window looking in. I feel like the world around me has become so unfamiliar. Its like looking through binoculars you see something you know its real, but you also know its too far away to do anything about whatever it is your looking at.

Anyway, a friend of mine texted me today...well she wants to hang out and has been hinting around hanging out for a couple weekends now. She has expressed to me before about other friends making excuses and not just saying to her "I don't wanna go." So since that conversation...I have been rather afraid of telling her just why I cant or don't feel like it. To her it will only be an excuse. How do I explain to someone I am sick today...if I obviously have nothing "physically" wrong, no flu, no cold, no tumors, etc....but someone with Cancer could easily say I am having a bad reaction to treatment today or I don't feel like it today I am too weak...and it would be perfectly acceptable and even maybe bring that said person to feel bad for them (rightfully so) but how is this any different. I AM SICK, I DON'T FEEL GOOD, MY MEDICATIONS AREN'T WORKING YET, I AM HAVING THOUGHTS OF SUICIDE PLEASE LEAVE ME TO REST....it is an illness and one that doesn't completely go away. Sooo, my choices are offend her potentially and just say "I don't feel good" (thought bubble EXCUSES EXCUSES), or I can make her mad and push her away even more and just ignore her. Either way I am judged, I hurt or make someone mad, and both ways I am not understood.

So again I am faced with the dilemma, that I cannot lead a normal life. How is it possible, I am constantly having to explain myself, be it doctors, employers, the government, family, friends, EVERYONE! It gets so old and annoying. I almost just wanna say forget everyone, as sad as it makes me it would be so much simpler that dealing with this shit everyday. It's so exhausting, to explain why all the time...because its to the same people over and over. Let me ask a few questions for a change! How about: "Why cant you get it through your tiny pee brains and skulls that, I AM SICK? Why cant you instead of asking me all the time why why why, read a book or an article about it??? Why, If it concerns you so much, dont you go to the support groups for family and friends I have told you about???? or, Why is it so hard to just be a good friend or relative and just understand that this is who I am, take it or leave it?" I know the answer to all of these questions....its because the really DON'T CARE (and are lying saying that they do) or they DON't BELIEVE ME.

I love my friends and I love my family, but why cant they see they are killing me faster than Bipolar itself??????

The Bleak Road Ahead of Me...OH Joy!

For months now I have been on this path to "wellness". Despite my hard work and efforts I find myself in a familiar place, yet again. I may have been diagnosed only a year ago with Bipolar disorder, but I have been this way for so long...oh but, yay! I have a debilitating name to go with it now.

The past couple of days have been me reading, educating myself, about this genetic deformity in my brain. It is a relief in some sense that it has medical reasoning behind it and I am not making it up or alone in the matter...but at the same time it is absolutely devastating to read things and see examples of these horrific truths. These truths are things I never dreamed of.

Bipolar never is cured with or without meds, only regulated WTF? Never knew that. Some of my behavior is psychotic? WTF? That that was just part of who I am...psychotic??! As I read down a legit check list of symptoms and the categories that come along with them...I start checking the things i experience and suddenly down the page i see nothing but black check marks?! Am I really this bad, this far gone, this CRAZY?!

Okay, so I read for two days finished a book, started another....then I decided to write my letter for my pdoc, an assignment he gave my first session. He wanted me to list my symptoms, how they make me feel, and examples. Yes, please doctor send me into a whirlwind of emotions....anyway i start to go back to that checklist write them on paper...and think back on my life recent and long ago...and well damn I have a story for all of them...how do I write this on paper? All of it??! How do i even express some of this shit? Will he even read this all the way through? So it began...

Dr.X,

You asked that I write my symptoms and how they make me feel. I took this assignment seriously. I have read articles, blogs, and books about my disorder. I compared my symptoms to what I read, and I came up with a list. Of course, some of my experiences with these symptoms do differ from the ones i have read in the book. I talked a lot of this over with my husband to be sure I listed every possible ailment I experience.

Since I was young I have always been criticized for not being "normal". I was teased and bullied, not only by classmates, but friends and close family. MY anxiety, fears, paranoia, emotional swings, loud outbursts of yelling, crazy laughter for no reason, and struggle to concentrate, were all contributors to this relentless teasing, scolding, and comprehension in my young life.

As I have gotten older these symptoms increased, as well as multiplied into more complex and different symptoms than before. The symptoms that have developed more slowly and later in my life are as follows: all of the above listed plus...extreme sexuality (masturbation and premature sexual commitment in new relationships, including cheating or cheating thoughts etc.), inability to finish projects for school (including reading), hypochondria, overwhelming feelings, "strange" thoughts and ideas, delusions, night terrors that result in waking hallucinations that can last anywhere from 10 seconds to 10 minutes, self mutilation, physically abusive behavior towards family, friends, and my spouse, wreck less driving (induced by rage, sadness, or excitement), suicidal thoughts, ideas, and planned attempts, outrageous spending (maxing credit cards), rash decision making, racing thoughts, clouded thoughts including confusion, sleepless nights or excessive sleeping, pessimism, hopelessness, sadness, crying outbursts, screaming fits, lack of interest, lethargy, urges to annoy people- to a compulsion (singing, calling repeatedly even at odd hours, making obnoxious noises and animal sounds, pinching, poking, etc) to the point where i literally am in pain if i dont do these things, lack of interest in anything ( now to the point where i have almost no interests or hobbies)..........

I then stop...look at my husband and fall into tears. I am suddenly stricken again with the reality of all this. I cry loudly and without want for consoling. "I am so angry! Why do I have to do this?! Everyday, its the same...I have to consider my bipolar in every aspect of my life, in ever decision that i make! I have to take my meds everyday, follow up with doctors, make plans around doctors and med refills. I have to everyday be reminded that I am defective because everyday this medication shoves the reality of it all down my throat!! Its never ending, despite all my efforts it will never go away. The meds I am on now, are taking their time and may not be working at all, the side effects drive me crazy! If this is true than more waiting will be in place, more time to sit unemployed with no income, no life, and for what?! What is the point?! Why is this happening to me or to anyone? It isn't Fair!! My life will never be anything more than a guessing game, and a constant eggshell race to the end. I am terrified to work, and don't even know who would take me with the limitations and hesitations I have, the temper I have or the poor work ethic I recently have acquired. Why should I bother, I have already messed up this life, no I take it back Bipolar messed my life up, not seeing signs sooner, not telling the truth the first go around....I have ruined every potential I have. I doubt I will be accepted for disability, why would I be!? What is the point of moving forward, so I stabilize, so what? I still have the inevitability that I will swing one way or another at some point, and who knows what that will come with. My dreams have been flushed down the toilet, along with my will to carry on. I am afraid of being old!? When I am old I will be homeless, I haven't put years into work force, there for no retirement, no savings, no SSI. Just another reason to end it before it gets even worse. I look down this bleak empty road I face..and ask myself why even bother, WHY?! I am so sick of this everyday, everyday, everyday...I am nothing, but a useless body that needs support at every angle of life. I at times feel like I am just a vessel filled with evil, and no soul. I dont even know if I want to be "fixed" and stabilized...when that happens I become a drone...in denial of everything I know to be true at this moment right now...I don't want to forget this anger... I want to remember how angry insurance, doctors, nay sayers, and the government makes me....because the moment I am reprogrammed with medication and therapy I will become their ideation of normal! I want to remember, yet I would rather not exist at all." My husband tells me, if you kill yourself you will just be another statistic...and I said "maybe that will be the one statistic to open their eyes!" truth is it wont be nothing ever will. I said maybe thats what everyone else needs, a sense of this eye opening truth i feel inside of me about the world about the healthcare system, about it all...maybe then people would stand up together for what is right and what is true! Things might get done. Maybe this is ridiculous to think, but it is so real in my head and so true...how can 30 minutes a month tell the doctor who i am, or an hour a month for the therapist? How will this tell them what I feel everyday, what I go through, how can they possibly see how in depth this is for me? When I go to the doctor, I am so anxious I cant even share things like I can here or at home with my husband, I cant even cry. I am overwhelmed with stress and anxiety of the appointment my mind goes blank..Anyway, long story short...What is the point of going on, if there is only more of this to look forward to?

Damn Meds

I shared in my last entry, some of the inner most depressive thoughts that I have. I am sorry if I was harsh. Nothing I have said is aimed towards my awesome readers. I am just so freaking frustrated with my life and the majority of the people in it. I am pissed because I feel I have no control. Things terrifying my right now:

1. Buying our first home...process has been stressful and to be quite honest we cant afford it, but we have no choice. (no comments please about "oh you shouldnt do that..." because believe me its much more complicated than it seems.)

2. I struggle with the idea of going back to work. I never have the same outlook two days in a row. Some days I wanna work right away and get back in the game. The very next day I will be terrified to even think about putting in an application. We cant go one with one income anymore, but I just CANT do it right now. I am not old enough for SSI because i havent put enough years in, I know there is some sort of SSI I could get, but i need a doctor to help me get it approved...one i am afraid to ask about it, two i hate giving up.

3. I am quitting smoking because the new meds I am on. (Just started meds, just started therapy, and just saw Psychiatrist thru free psych program in my state) It makes me sick to eat, sick to smoke, sick to drink, I cant have alcohol, I cant have caffeine, the sugar makes me wanna puke.....what vice is left...not to mention I cant drive while taking this medication!? Soo...work again how is that gonna work out? My vision is bad distance wise bc of these meds, and most strangely I am confused and cloudy in my head...I couldn't remember a good friend of mines name who i have known for the better part of 4 years....!

4. Thoughts about heavy drugs...I have become curious...no no I haven't ever nor so i plan to try them or even know how i could try them...I am just very curious...I hear many Bipolars get into drugs...there must be some reason or correlation of it helping with symptoms?

5. I read an article today that made me extremely upset...and almost confirmed that I am possessed by something of the devil....it gave me goosebumps and made me want to check under the bed...it was creepy as hell read it if you get a chance, it made me absolutely sick to my stomach(beware bipolars this was a trigger for me): http://thebipolarspouse.com/2009/10/08/interview-with-bipolar-disorder/

6. I am struggling to get through to my family...and I am a constant nuisance to my husband it seems....I just want to pull my hair out and put a bullet in my head...I can please no one and its like being trapped inside this mind it killing me!

7. MONEY MONEY MONEY....there just isnt any how I have stretched what we do have as far as I have is beyond me and I dont know how we can continue to survive once we are homeowners....piss!

Anyway, I wish I had a huge screw driver loaded with more vodka than juice, a nice cigarette, a good cd, and a boat to sail away on......fuck me... Im medicated and I feel worse.

Here Today, Gone Tomorrow

Ok, so here it goes. yes maybe tomorrow i will forget too all that i have said today, maybe for a moment i will feel joy, but dont you fear...it will all come back again...it always does, it always will, and as i read even once this therapy i have started goes heavy on its way and even when my new meds begin to take effect it isnt a end all fix all...it comes back just not as often...what a joy to look foward to eh? what a joy. I am not sure what i have spewed about lately....I don't feel like rereading my posts, but I am ready to share. The past month or so have been a whirl wind of emotion and cycling. Lately I have been so busy I haven't even had to time to really reflect on what has been going on. I went on a trip with the ladies in my family a "generations" trip if you will, and to my everyone's surprise i was able to pass it off as though i was perfectly normal. Two weeks i spent with woman who do not understand me, not for lack of trying....(at times)...Only one of these women listen to what i am saying without getting angry or defensive. I am not sure if she says things when i am not around about my behavior or what i share with her, but she seems to really care what i have to say. Like, with everyone else though, she too has a point that the venting becomes a nuisance to her. As I said two weeks of pretending to be normal, for the sake of saving family face. Inside my insides churned and boiled, at times pure ache took over. I would get a dreadful migraine and a stomach ache only cured with alcohol or smoking. It was as if I was soring above myself watching the pitiful act that I was putting on. It was a zombie version of myself. The smiling, the courtesy, the false laughter and interest i showed....all a joke, a false version of what was really going on inside. On the way home I lost it...cooped with no release, no internet support groups or my husband to vent to. I just went crazy....we stopped at a small restaurant right out side chicago....it was pack...I walked in and immediately the wheels started turning: "Everyone is looking at me, they are judging me, oh god there are people my age here, what could they be thinking (disgusting, ugly, fat, bitch, she has no right to be here), is that man staring, did she just laugh at me" oh god the stomach ache and the pounding heart beat i could feel in my fingers, my feet, my chest, even my ears...it was too much to handle, i raced back to the car...needing to pee so badly, but i didn't care i would pee in a bottle if i had to. My mom comes back out and scolds me for not using that restroom...I explained i couldn't go back in there and told her she didn't understand...again she scolds and tries to reason with me...i go nuts my face turns purple with anger and i scream "I Won't!" "I CANT", "Take me somewhere else" We argue some more and continue to fight...then i am told that "Bipolar cannot always be your excuse for this ridiculous behavior." "AHHHHH" I yell " I SAID nothing about bipolar" "I am having a panic attack!" She pulls into a gas station i run in pee and come back the whole time wondering what the three of them could be saying about me....I get in the car more shit is thrown at me and anger rushes through me I begin to pound on my face with my fist...I felt nothing...not an ounce of pain. Then i feel a smack across the back of my head, my grandmother slammed a rolled up newspaper or something of the same volume across my head and she says to me to stop being unreasonable and stupid. I turn back at her feeling more out of my body than ever and i growl like a mangy animal and then scream "you do that again and i will not be responsible for what happens!" the car grows silent...I am then alone it feels in a car with four other people i am in the front seat with the one person that pissed me off the most. I begin to reach inside myself and decide it is the time to end it. It is the time to just say good bye. I must, I cant take it anymore, so i felt. in my head these thoughts raced: "No one will ever hear what i am saying, what is the point of explaining if they just wont listen, What is the point of going on, how can i lead a life where i have to pretend i am ok, whilst inside i am screaming and scratching my way out, how will i ever be a mom, do i even want to, how can i face my life when i am not only not allowed to show how i feel or explain it but i cant even just be left alone, this jacket i am wearing wouldn't it be a nice fit just tight enough around my neck to stop it all, stop these forceful angry thoughts i have, stop this meaningless life, bring this pain and devastation to an end...why must i go on when there is no point, what reason was there to make straight a's in school, when all i am now is a big fat no body, what point is it to live here knowing we all die, knowing that after death there may or may not be anything afterward, will i go to hell if there is one for saying that, how can i believe in anything when i feel this way, no matter how hard i want to i cant be normal, i cant cope i cant deal, no one will truly understand, yes it is time to say goodbye, it is time that i put everything i love into a box and bury it and with my suicide not i shall leave a map, and if they care enough they will dig it up and find that what i care about is a photo of all of them, a book or two, and my wedding rings....yes what a selfish person i must be....selfish indeed...." I go on with crazy thoughts and ideas inside me...I go on to prepare the letter of goodbyes in my head...and then i think "what if i just pretend im ok, and one day bam just when they think all of their frustration and angry words have "knocked" some "sense" into me, than well wont they be mistaken?" I still feel like that person i was in that car wrapped in my own arms counselling myself with pats and wiping my own tears away...that there is no point in life, at least not for me...I am a genetic jumble of all the terrible things in this world. I was given no purpose, no real meaning...as my mother says I am her "punishment". So maybe that in its self is my purpose...I am the hell that all the sinners in my life deserve maybe thats it? Maybe I am the work of something greater...only i can never feel the warmth of its love, because I am the darkness. Maybe thats just it. Maybe this is my purpose and that alone. Lets set aside my desire to be something great, lets set aside the hopes i had that i have slowly watched shatter, lets set aside my dear friends the very fact that i too am a person (at least this is how it seems)...you see i can chat about these fears and these feelings i have all day long...and at the end of the day those that read this and those i tell it to...will lie their heads down to dream their normal dreams and all i have said will be wiped clean from their memory...as i lie awake for the fifth sometimes sixth night in a row and watch them sleep...I have to live in this vessel...I have to live with this pain..and when i wake up I CANT forget...as they do as you will too...I am a torture chamber in and of myself. Whilst i suffer in my head, you all go on to lead lives at a normal pace and forget the importance of what i say...just because i stop talking when i see the boredom in your eyes...doesnt mean i got it out and now i am better...it doesnt mean things are gonna be ok...its a constant struggle a constant battle! Just because i am silent and I smile doesnt mean I am ok! yes maybe tomorrow i will forget too all that i have said today, maybe for a moment i will feel joy, but dont you fear...it will all come back again...it always does, it always will, and as i read even once this therapy i have started goes heavy on its way and even when my new meds begin to take effect it isnt a end all fix all...it comes back just not as often...what a joy to look foward to eh? what a joy..what adventures i have to look forward to.

MANIA!

Bipolar Mania has struck again! I am going CRAZY....i cant sit still and i am wired!

alot has been going on, i think i am overwhelmed more later when i can calm my nerves.