My dad seems to think my diagnosis is just me wanting a reason to be lazy and even said that i just am a spoiled brat and don't want to grow up! Let me elaborate...the ass was hardly "there for me other than Sunday afternoons and child support...he has no idea what "growing up" was like for me. I was on my own from the time i started working at 16 until the end of last year....i had my manic break and well now i am home again. I never wanted to be dependent on anyone...and i hate myself everyday for my failures, debt, and mistakes. I never wanted to be this pathetic shell i have become and i resent the fact that he thinks I WANT THIS! ? I long to be normal, to be healthy, and happy. Every time that seems attainable i make another mistake and it all comes crashing down. I have rushed into things all my life and i blame...my childhood. I wanted out so bad i didn't care what i had to do to get out of my parents home. I lived with my mom, grandparents, and my step dad, since as far as i can remember. And well things just werent easy. thats a story for another day.
I was telling my grandma about my recent successes in Support Groups with DBSA and how i admired that so many people say LIVING with BP, as opposed to just plain diagnosed bipolar....and she goes....What ?! -I said Like what people with cancer and aids say...she said i understand but why would they say that..what ever it is you have doesn't compare to those types of diseases....almost like how dare they say things like that! *OUCH**
I struggle with suicidal thoughts and mania...i want to die and BP is often fatal bc of suicide. I never want to fall like that again but it could happen and if i feel like i want to say i am LIVING WITH BP, because i deserve it with all the work i have put forth toward my recover than i damn well can! I am LIVNG WITH BIPOLAR! As hopeless as it feels i want to continue my life.
It hurts that some of the people i love the most deny my honesty...but at least i am not alone in knowing that it is real!
Today life has felt hopeless and i have felt so sad and alone...i feel the slip coming near, all i want to do is hold on to the last bit of sanity i have left.
thanks for reading!
4 comments:
I know it's going to be a while before people recognize any types of mental illness as actual diseases. Unlike cancer, we have to LIVE with these disorders for the rest of our lives--there is management, but no cure. It confounds me when people get snippy about it...what would they think if we were to tell ole Aunt Bitty who has cancer to just "suck it up"?
Let's not forget how much easier it would be to manage these illnesses if insurance were required to cover it like other "physical" illnesses!
Don't be so hard on yourself, you're more important than the opinions of people who just don't get it.
Take care.
This is why I blog, so when someone tries to feed me that crap I remember there are others out there who get so pissed off at the exact same thing.
Oh and you're right, it is all in my head because there's something wrong with my brain!!
It totally sucks that you are uninsured. I mean...you deserve proper medical treatment for Bipolar just like every other ill person.
It sucks that some of your nearest and dearest dismiss your illness. I mean that really pisses me off to hear others claim we choose this lifestyle. "I love pretending to live with Bipolar...it makes me soooooo happy! If only I could fake schizophrenia." The simplest solution is usually the best and it is simplest to say we deal with Bipolar illness, NOT we are pretending to deal with bipolar illness for attention.
Best of wishes.
Oh it really drives me beserk when ppl say it (mental illness) is all in our heads... On a different note, I have awarded you a Passionate Blogger Award which you can copy and paste from my blog and then pass on if you like to other bloggers. Hope to see a post from you soon (-:
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