I hope everyone knows, I haven't been avoiding you or not reading blogs to be rude...just really i haven't even felt like writing my own feelings down. As I have stated before I cant even differentiate what i am feeling moment to moment at times....Any ideas what i can do...I feel at my wits end! HELP! I dont want another week of emotion like this one has been.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Mania and Depression
Well the past few weeks have been nothing but a roller coaster of emotion for me. One day high on life, the next so sad i cant get out of bed. Nothing really new to mention, but I have had some tough days...today was a cheerful day and i hope that it stays that way for a while. I typically beat my depressive state by staying busy...but i found myself so busy i was overwhelmed and got very depressed. I went on a trip to the beach with some friends...though it was very nice, i came back feeling so much worse about myself than i had when i left. A woman actually thought that i was the mother of my friend who is in fact older than me. I felt like a whale and just disgusting every time i looked in the mirror...I drank a few times while i was there and I have never felt so suicidal. I try not to share with friends, because though they want to they dont understand...and even when they do listen i at times feel that they are sick of hearing it. I am tried of being a burden on the ones i love. I am trying...and i truly just want to get in to see a doctor, but either the money isn't there or their non insured appointment times are completely full! I have even contacted a DBSA support group only to find dead ends and no one will call or email me back! i feel like i am suffocating in a never ending roller coaster ride. I just want to stop and just breath but it seems impossible. I am tired, worn out, and frankly fed up. I am not suicidal right now at this moment, but can feel myself getting closer to that self mutilating point. I am doing everything i know to do to stay away from that, but I am becoming more helpless it seems to my condition. Though i am for healthcare reform...I am soo confused how it will help me! ?
Friday, March 19, 2010
Thursday, March 11, 2010
I am still Alive
Yes i am still here. I just have been keeping myself VERY busy this past week or so and plan to keep it that way. When i get to a low point count on me to be here to tell about it. As for right now i am feeling pretty good. As we all know that doesnt always last very long....so I will enjoy it while it lasts.
Hope everyone is well over the next couple days im going to catch up on whats been new with you :P
Love
Thursday, March 4, 2010
New with Me
Ok, as you all know, my birthday was Monday. I got a digital voice recorder, something i have been wanting for like ever. It has been my buddy for the past couple days. I have been chatting it up with well, myself..using this recorder. Its another outlet, other than this blog. I do want to share some of my thoughts from the past few days, one to keep everyone updated on my emotional being and two so I can continue to have a record of my emotions..so when the time comes I can remember to share with my doctor.
I went with my dad and my husband to see that new movie Shutter Island. Like so many movies with similar, I guess the word would be themes??, (movies that make you think ALOT or trigger racing thoughts for me) it made my mind go nuts. It triggered alot of emotion and even tears. Alot of the thoughts I was having had alot to do with my illness. One of the characters in the movie had manic depression...and not to ruin the ending for anyone who wants to see it...but she drowns her kids...and its almost like with her its a game of pretend like what she did wasn't bad. Not that I feel i would ever do anything like this, but I am going to admit to all of you that I have some really really disturbing thoughts sometimes. They are even disturbing to me sometimes...I have never shared with anyone really about the detail of these thoughts, especially not a doctor. I want to tell you...Please don't judge me, because they are just thought I have never acted on them...my fear though is even if that was just a movie...what if i did act on them...it wouldn't chant the fact that it was wrong. Some of these thoughts are like things like hurting other people especially when i am mad at that person....I changed my mind i wont share in detail, but they are sometimes so bad i scare myself. I tried to talk to my husband about the feelings this movie gave me and the feelings that i get when i am having a "psychotic" moment (he slept thru the movie and our conversation :( .... ) But, maybe you can relate or just listen to what i have to say...When I am having a melt down such as: screaming , crying, pulling my hair out, hitting myself or whoever is closest to me at the time, throwing myself on the floor etc, It is like your brain is a circle and you cut it in half...the front half is me reacting crazily, thats the psychotic me...and then the back of my brain is the "sane" me sitting in a chair just observing telling myself to calm down, that I am acting like a complete fool...but its like that part of me has no control. Its not like split personalities..its just like I have thoughts that are contradicting and it seems that its always the bad thoughts that take over and control me. An example of this control is that...i think when i am having these breaks if i was holding scissors i think i could literally just stab myself all over and not feel pain...almost like the person in front of my brain would enjoy it and get release, but the one in back would be screaming NO or STOP....but the front always wins. Its almost like its better to act nuts than to let whatever is happening happen or continue...it feels so much better. Its like when the "tantrum" is over i feel almost refreshed and like nothing happened at all. This is one reason i know i need to go to see a doctor...and I am so afraid of going...not just bc of reasons i have given in the past posts, but also because i am so scared of medication. This is the example i give Mark...its like a person that is born with a sight problem (blurry vision)...they get older not knowing they see the world different than anyone else, because thats all they have ever known...but as time goes on people around them at school or home start to notice odd behavior...delayed reading, squinting etc....well the child is taken to the doctor he is fitted for glasses. When he receives these glasses its like seeing the world for the first time, just like everyone else...and there isn't a problem anymore. Its like with bipolar my thoughts have always been jumbled, scrambled, a mess, on one side or the other, or just opposite all the time changing. I just wish there were "glasses: for this disorder. I wish for one day i could think like some one without this condition. Then what someone might say is "well what about medicine?" My answer to that is, no matter if i am medicated or not...i still feel like something is missing...either i am off the wall in my thoughts and feelings or I am completely lethargic and blahh...either way this is not normal. While medicated i still have no motivation or even less than I did without it. The only thing that changes is that I sleep ALOT more and my thoughts slow down to almost no thoughts at all...spaced out almost, I'm not spastic or crazy, i'm just there, kind of a zombie if you will. Most people have something that gets them up in the morning, something they have to do or live for...medicated or not I never have that.
I went with my dad and my husband to see that new movie Shutter Island. Like so many movies with similar, I guess the word would be themes??, (movies that make you think ALOT or trigger racing thoughts for me) it made my mind go nuts. It triggered alot of emotion and even tears. Alot of the thoughts I was having had alot to do with my illness. One of the characters in the movie had manic depression...and not to ruin the ending for anyone who wants to see it...but she drowns her kids...and its almost like with her its a game of pretend like what she did wasn't bad. Not that I feel i would ever do anything like this, but I am going to admit to all of you that I have some really really disturbing thoughts sometimes. They are even disturbing to me sometimes...I have never shared with anyone really about the detail of these thoughts, especially not a doctor. I want to tell you...Please don't judge me, because they are just thought I have never acted on them...my fear though is even if that was just a movie...what if i did act on them...it wouldn't chant the fact that it was wrong. Some of these thoughts are like things like hurting other people especially when i am mad at that person....I changed my mind i wont share in detail, but they are sometimes so bad i scare myself. I tried to talk to my husband about the feelings this movie gave me and the feelings that i get when i am having a "psychotic" moment (he slept thru the movie and our conversation :( .... ) But, maybe you can relate or just listen to what i have to say...When I am having a melt down such as: screaming , crying, pulling my hair out, hitting myself or whoever is closest to me at the time, throwing myself on the floor etc, It is like your brain is a circle and you cut it in half...the front half is me reacting crazily, thats the psychotic me...and then the back of my brain is the "sane" me sitting in a chair just observing telling myself to calm down, that I am acting like a complete fool...but its like that part of me has no control. Its not like split personalities..its just like I have thoughts that are contradicting and it seems that its always the bad thoughts that take over and control me. An example of this control is that...i think when i am having these breaks if i was holding scissors i think i could literally just stab myself all over and not feel pain...almost like the person in front of my brain would enjoy it and get release, but the one in back would be screaming NO or STOP....but the front always wins. Its almost like its better to act nuts than to let whatever is happening happen or continue...it feels so much better. Its like when the "tantrum" is over i feel almost refreshed and like nothing happened at all. This is one reason i know i need to go to see a doctor...and I am so afraid of going...not just bc of reasons i have given in the past posts, but also because i am so scared of medication. This is the example i give Mark...its like a person that is born with a sight problem (blurry vision)...they get older not knowing they see the world different than anyone else, because thats all they have ever known...but as time goes on people around them at school or home start to notice odd behavior...delayed reading, squinting etc....well the child is taken to the doctor he is fitted for glasses. When he receives these glasses its like seeing the world for the first time, just like everyone else...and there isn't a problem anymore. Its like with bipolar my thoughts have always been jumbled, scrambled, a mess, on one side or the other, or just opposite all the time changing. I just wish there were "glasses: for this disorder. I wish for one day i could think like some one without this condition. Then what someone might say is "well what about medicine?" My answer to that is, no matter if i am medicated or not...i still feel like something is missing...either i am off the wall in my thoughts and feelings or I am completely lethargic and blahh...either way this is not normal. While medicated i still have no motivation or even less than I did without it. The only thing that changes is that I sleep ALOT more and my thoughts slow down to almost no thoughts at all...spaced out almost, I'm not spastic or crazy, i'm just there, kind of a zombie if you will. Most people have something that gets them up in the morning, something they have to do or live for...medicated or not I never have that.
Sooo again these thoughts again have led me to thinking about the question...this chokes me up, makes me scared, bad to even feel this ways...could it be that someone like me..that has these bad thoughts about people that cross me or make me angry...could it be that someone like me that is vengeful and holds grudges...and hurts them self, and is so negative all the time whether i want to be or not...like am i meant to go to hell even though it feels like i don't mean it or want to be this way. Thats the thing thats weird...I almost feel like i do want to do it because of the release...then the other half just doesn't...like again I have no control....I mean thinking about when we die...people say your problems are gone no pain, suffering, or health problems, no worries everything is fixed all happiness, joy, warmth....if this is true could someone like me ever even exist in that world? Like, do i even have a real soul? I mean I am not ever one person...i mean i am me..but i am me interested in this or that or this or that...I am me who loves him or him or sometimes him, i am me all over the place...I am never one straight pathed person I am me everywhere...so if i have a soul...who is that person that will move on... I want to know her...i want to know who i am... i feel like i have no idea... from day to day i feel something different about everything...its always changing...from day to day i am a new emotion...its never the same. I have new beliefs everyday. Name it its different from day to day.Maybe i am just a bad person...maybe i am just F** up in the head.
I wish there was someone out there that i could meet in person nearby...that i could have to talk to that understands that knows...that i can relate to...someone that i can advocate for that can advocate for me...someone that i can call at 2am and cry and bitch and vice versa...someone that understands so i am not alone...I just want to talk and talk and talk and talk...its like all i can do everyday is just analyze everything...and then analyze my analyzations....there is a support group next week with NAMI, but thats for all types of disorders..depression, add, etc...i feel like it will be Woodridge all over again...the only one like me...surrounded by more people that dont understand...no one else who is bipolar.
more later....
Monday, March 1, 2010
21 Years
Today is my 21st birthday, I thought i would write something positive for a change or at least give a whack at it.
Twenty One Years , Twenty One Birthdays, and Resolutions
(note i wrote this a 230 in the morning so forgive me if i forget something or if it isnt the best grammar, i may add or change later...)
Isn't it amazing that on the day we were born that the slate is clean...no mistakes, no achievements, no decisions to make. We are fresh canvass waiting to be painted. In our lives it is inevitable that we will color outside the lines with mistakes, but it's also true that with the right color and stroke we can make each mistake blend with all our achievements, to create something beautiful. Without an artists own special touch a painting is worth nothing. Like art, each life is worth something to someone, and each has its own essence of beauty. I hope that even with all the dark smudges from twenty one years full of mistakes, that I can still create something beautiful to leave behind.
1989, March 1st - In the words of my mom, since i cant remember...."On this day...you my daughter was born on a very cold and icy morning. You were wrinkly and pink. You had a cute lil nose with lil white dots all over it, the prettiest blue eyes, and the sweetest little cry. Today you turn 21 and i still love you just as much as the day the doctor placed you in my arms." (thanks mom)
Isn't it amazing that on the day we were born that the slate is clean...no mistakes, no achievements, no decisions to make. We are fresh canvas waiting to be painted.
Here are some of the milestone birthdays, and years in my life...
8 birthdays ago- I was 13...So excited i couldn't sleep..that magical number that transforms a kind into a teenager...man was that an exciting day. I don't remember much about it except that i was excited. Not just that i was a teenage, but woot woot only 7 years to go until i was the much awaited adulthood. This was the last year I had without some guy messing up my life lol. This was one of the best years of school..and a great year with friends.
5 years ago- i was 16....what a day. I got my drivers license, my first job, my first experience with independence, met one of my best friends, and my first car. In this year of my life i manage to wreck my car twice, lose a childhood friend to a tragedy, and my first out of the country trip. Drama of the high school years, drama.
3 years ago- I was 18...Wow, was this awesome or what?! Definitely what you expect when you are 13. Its all dreams until this point, and when this magical number arrives reality hits. You are confronted with making your own decisions(something we fight our parents for and then wish they would do it for us once we have that control), college, full time jobs, bills, and adulthood. I remember all the calls and talks i go that day some were late some were early, but everyone wished me well and sang praises...I think i saved one of those messages in particular on my phone for over a year after that day. This was also the year i got my first apartment, my first "serious" adult relationship, cut all my hair off, went to my prom, my first vacation paid for by me, my first credit card (and 2nd and 3rd and so on :( ...) i met Mark ( now my husband)
1 year ago- I was 20...no longer a teen. During this year I was a new new newly wed, got my first rental house, at one point had 4 pets (down to one now), was diagnosed with bipolar, had major life changing events take place in my personal life, had a REAL conversation with my dad...even if it was only through written communication, was hospitalized, lost a friendship,rekindled with my husband, quit two jobs, withdrew from school, paid off three credit cards, saw my friend and cousin get married, experienced the saddest day watching my grandfathers last moments, lost another grandfather, and decided to take my life and make some serious changes...starting year 21 in my life.
My resolutions for the next year of my life:
(even if some are far fetched or bogus, it is better to have an unattainable goal, than no goal at all)
1. Join and stick with a support group.
2. Get established with a doctor and be completely honest with that doctor.
3. Get mentally healthy enough so I can help others like me to their journey.
4. Get physically healthy.
5. Stay healthy physically and mentally so I can be a better wife, daughter, grand daughter, sister, and friend.
6. Always write, write, write to release, never bleed.
7. Find one reason to be happy everyday, even if I have to make it up.
8. Focus
9. Pay off bills and save.
10.Get a house in Greeneville.
11.Find a hobby I can start, afford, and enjoy
12. Be creative.
Twenty One Years , Twenty One Birthdays, and Resolutions
(note i wrote this a 230 in the morning so forgive me if i forget something or if it isnt the best grammar, i may add or change later...)
Isn't it amazing that on the day we were born that the slate is clean...no mistakes, no achievements, no decisions to make. We are fresh canvass waiting to be painted. In our lives it is inevitable that we will color outside the lines with mistakes, but it's also true that with the right color and stroke we can make each mistake blend with all our achievements, to create something beautiful. Without an artists own special touch a painting is worth nothing. Like art, each life is worth something to someone, and each has its own essence of beauty. I hope that even with all the dark smudges from twenty one years full of mistakes, that I can still create something beautiful to leave behind.
1989, March 1st - In the words of my mom, since i cant remember...."On this day...you my daughter was born on a very cold and icy morning. You were wrinkly and pink. You had a cute lil nose with lil white dots all over it, the prettiest blue eyes, and the sweetest little cry. Today you turn 21 and i still love you just as much as the day the doctor placed you in my arms." (thanks mom)
Isn't it amazing that on the day we were born that the slate is clean...no mistakes, no achievements, no decisions to make. We are fresh canvas waiting to be painted.
Here are some of the milestone birthdays, and years in my life...
8 birthdays ago- I was 13...So excited i couldn't sleep..that magical number that transforms a kind into a teenager...man was that an exciting day. I don't remember much about it except that i was excited. Not just that i was a teenage, but woot woot only 7 years to go until i was the much awaited adulthood. This was the last year I had without some guy messing up my life lol. This was one of the best years of school..and a great year with friends.
5 years ago- i was 16....what a day. I got my drivers license, my first job, my first experience with independence, met one of my best friends, and my first car. In this year of my life i manage to wreck my car twice, lose a childhood friend to a tragedy, and my first out of the country trip. Drama of the high school years, drama.
3 years ago- I was 18...Wow, was this awesome or what?! Definitely what you expect when you are 13. Its all dreams until this point, and when this magical number arrives reality hits. You are confronted with making your own decisions(something we fight our parents for and then wish they would do it for us once we have that control), college, full time jobs, bills, and adulthood. I remember all the calls and talks i go that day some were late some were early, but everyone wished me well and sang praises...I think i saved one of those messages in particular on my phone for over a year after that day. This was also the year i got my first apartment, my first "serious" adult relationship, cut all my hair off, went to my prom, my first vacation paid for by me, my first credit card (and 2nd and 3rd and so on :( ...) i met Mark ( now my husband)
1 year ago- I was 20...no longer a teen. During this year I was a new new newly wed, got my first rental house, at one point had 4 pets (down to one now), was diagnosed with bipolar, had major life changing events take place in my personal life, had a REAL conversation with my dad...even if it was only through written communication, was hospitalized, lost a friendship,rekindled with my husband, quit two jobs, withdrew from school, paid off three credit cards, saw my friend and cousin get married, experienced the saddest day watching my grandfathers last moments, lost another grandfather, and decided to take my life and make some serious changes...starting year 21 in my life.
My resolutions for the next year of my life:
(even if some are far fetched or bogus, it is better to have an unattainable goal, than no goal at all)
1. Join and stick with a support group.
2. Get established with a doctor and be completely honest with that doctor.
3. Get mentally healthy enough so I can help others like me to their journey.
4. Get physically healthy.
5. Stay healthy physically and mentally so I can be a better wife, daughter, grand daughter, sister, and friend.
6. Always write, write, write to release, never bleed.
7. Find one reason to be happy everyday, even if I have to make it up.
8. Focus
9. Pay off bills and save.
10.Get a house in Greeneville.
11.Find a hobby I can start, afford, and enjoy
12. Be creative.
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