I have never been a small girl. Other than when I was a baby. I had always managed to stay under 180 through out school...when i graduate and started college i gained the typical 10-15 pounds. When my doctor put me on my first anti-psychotic meds...i gained a whopping 35 pounds in ONE month. I had never in all my life felt as disgusting, fat, and uncomfortable as i did at that point. I have always had a low self esteem,but that topped the highest notch. I then weighed 230 pounds. Even people that were around me everyday noticed the difference and would ask if I was okay. I was steadily gaining a pound or more a day, not even changing my eating habits. I was lost and my psychiatrist didn't care. It wasn't until i literally threw a tantrum in his office before he would change my meds. Sure enough i lost 10 of the 35 i gained, almost immediately after changing meds. Still i remained at 225+ pounds. I gained not only weight but stretch marks! I never had an issue with stretch marks until that happened. Now I am covered in them. I hate my body so much more than i ever have before. Lotions, vitamins, and now diet...I am slowly losing the weight, down to 216, but the stretch marks just take any glory i feel from the weight loss. I will go to the bathroom to take a shower look at myself and want to just break down and cry, and sometimes I do. I won't even let my husband watch me change clothes, I cant stand the sight of myself, and I don't want any thought rolling around in his head that might be judgmental of me. I guess my point is not only do i feel like my insides are disgusting and flawed, but my outward appearance as well. I feel absolutely repulsive all around. It is almost like I have no choice in any aspect of my life...1.my money situation...I blame myself, for having the bipolar that contributed to it (the credit card maxing on mania, the quitting jobs on mania, quitting school mania, and my fault for quitting meds, lying to my doctors,etc) 2. My weight...I have PCOS (another thing i am not on my medication for), Depression I have no motivation, obesity runs in my family, Bipolar, was on meds that cause weight gain..all those things cause this weight and/or makes it harder to get it off. 3. Medical Care...I have no choice because i have no insurance i have to take what is offered. 4. Food...the one thing that makes me feel better, safe, happy...i cant choose what i eat because i want to loose weight and i am on a diet. 5. Babies...I want babies...but one it would be selfish for many reasons...my bipolar, my husbands mom history of bipolar, I dont want a kid growing up with that kind of genetics or with a mom that cant even get it together half the time, it would also be selfish because my husband and i cant provide for it anyway be it money or a bedroom...we have neither...
I just feel like nothing in my life has purpose, I have no control of anything, I cant have any dreams come true that i had for myself, I feel like this illness is taking over and no matter how hard i fight it its going to get me in the end.
I am gonna share a "secret"...every time I watch a movie where there is suicide..and i have seen a few that steamed from bipolar disorder...I cry, I panic and I cant stop thinking to myself that that is my inevitable fate......and even if it isn't? What is my purpose? I bring stress to all around me, I make mistake after mistake after mistake, and i just feel I am in a whirl wind that won't stop. I wish this was all a bad dream and i could just wake up.
Earlier I touched on this, but my question is: Without Bipolar Disorder, what defines me? Who am I without my illness? What is the real me? What are my true dislikes and likes? What is my real personality underneath it all? Am i defined by Bipolar or is that just who i am ? I am sorry for all my posts today and all the rambling and negativity....but i can definitely feel a bottom to this down coming soon...and i don't if this time i can get back up. It seems the whole world is caving in and i am screaming and no one is there to listen or hear me. excuses they may be, but its truly how i feel.
3 comments:
I wish I had something interesting or insightful to say, Gem. Just hang in there as best you can, know you are not alone and there are plenty of people who understand. I loathe my body, even after losing 100 pounds. Ugh. And in my opinion we are not our illness, it's just a part of you the same way being passionate, brunette, sensitive and creative is a part of you. Take care x
Ugh, stretch marks suck. I ballooned, quite literally. My face puffed up because I also gained 30 lbs in a month and had stretch makrs on my thighs and sides and calves. I's been two years and I promise with no lotions or anything, they have faded. I got crazy ones as a teenage when I hit a growth spurt too. You can't even see those anymore. They fade, I promise.
Who are you without your illness? It's not you. No matter how much it sucks, bipolar lingers like stale cigarette smoke.
I want babies too, but I couldn't handle the guilt if toddler woke up to see Mommy spazzed out with a bottle of liquor and bleeding.
Man o man I hope you are feeling better by the time this comment is written. I weighed 130 in high school and after meds and 8 years I weigh 280 lbs. I feel your pain I am only 5'7". It really is horrible that you don't get proper medical care since you don't have insurance. But this may cheer you up. I would rather take meds and be fat and happy, than to not take them and be skinny and crazed. Best wishes.
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