This morning I woke up, racing thoughts of death. I have all these ideas what I would say in a note and how I would do it if i were going to. The thing is I am too terrified to do any traditional self harming way. I really am to scared, it makes me mad that even that I have no control over.
Some of the thoughts I had this morning was, not the....razor, knife, water, rope, pills....I would have to force myself into a dangerous situation to actually succeed. A situation so dangerous, only a miracle who save me. Like, jumping in front of a train, after its too late to stop, jumping out of a plane with no parachute (highly unlikely to ever happen), driving my car off of a bridge with all doors lock and the keys thrown out the window with the child protection on windows rolled up, getting lost in the mountains with no supplies, these kinds of things...nothing that I could actually do of course..I may leave with every intention, but by the time I get there...nope I would panic and back out. The thing about it is...right now I know I couldn't do these things...but in my mind...I have always felt I would die young, and sometimes I feel like I know I will commit suicide give the right time, mind set, and opportunity. I have never reached total rock bottom, I have come damn near close, but I have never been to a point where I could actually end it all..no matter how much I think I want to or need to...I have never been able to actually feel bad enough to do it. But that doesn't stop the reel in my head from running each of these scenarios over and over again....the exact details of each incident, the looks on people's faces, the pain....it runs wild in my mind the past two days...and I can't stop the thoughts from coming. I know I sound nuts. I think about these things it makes my adrenaline rush...and then all I wanna do after that is read...i am mentally and physically exhausted.
3 comments:
"I feel like I know I will commit suicide give the right time, mind set, and opportunity."
Me, too.
Maybe we will surprise ourselves. Let us hope.
It sounds as though you know when your thoughts are out of whack. That is a great thing...to listen to the mind and be able to step back saying,"This is my illness talking, not me." Stay strong and educated.
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