"Bipolar is all in my head"_- So says you!

I am so sick and i mean SICK, of family and friends that seem to think that whats going on with me is all in my head. Like it is something i make up. Seriously, why would anyone and i mean ANYONE want to feel like this!? I also love the fact that these same nay sayers, are the first to accuse my bad moods or cranky behavior on BP disorder !!! I mean hell! I am entitled to have a normal pissy mood be it PMS or whatever the hell i feel like at the time!

My dad seems to think my diagnosis is just me wanting a reason to be lazy and even said that i just am a spoiled brat and don't want to grow up! Let me elaborate...the ass was hardly "there for me other than Sunday afternoons and child support...he has no idea what "growing up" was like for me. I was on my own from the time i started working at 16 until the end of last year....i had my manic break and well now i am home again. I never wanted to be dependent on anyone...and i hate myself everyday for my failures, debt, and mistakes. I never wanted to be this pathetic shell i have become and i resent the fact that he thinks I WANT THIS! ? I long to be normal, to be healthy, and happy. Every time that seems attainable i make another mistake and it all comes crashing down. I have rushed into things all my life and i blame...my childhood. I wanted out so bad i didn't care what i had to do to get out of my parents home. I lived with my mom, grandparents, and my step dad, since as far as i can remember. And well things just werent easy. thats a story for another day.

I was telling my grandma about my recent successes in Support Groups with DBSA and how i admired that so many people say LIVING with BP, as opposed to just plain diagnosed bipolar....and she goes....What ?! -I said Like what people with cancer and aids say...she said i understand but why would they say that..what ever it is you have doesn't compare to those types of diseases....almost like how dare they say things like that! *OUCH**

I struggle with suicidal thoughts and mania...i want to die and BP is often fatal bc of suicide. I never want to fall like that again but it could happen and if i feel like i want to say i am LIVING WITH BP, because i deserve it with all the work i have put forth toward my recover than i damn well can! I am LIVNG WITH BIPOLAR! As hopeless as it feels i want to continue my life.

It hurts that some of the people i love the most deny my honesty...but at least i am not alone in knowing that it is real!

Today life has felt hopeless and i have felt so sad and alone...i feel the slip coming near, all i want to do is hold on to the last bit of sanity i have left.

thanks for reading!