Well, last night was another sleeping struggle. I think i am tired and will lie down, and almost immediately i am wide awake again. This time the thought that so often crosses my mind was, death. My head "What happens when we die? Is it a sin to question this? Will i see my family again? Will we remember our lives? How different will things be, and for the better? Will i go to hell for questioning this? I am a Christian and believe that Jesus died for me, but what if i am wrong and is wrong to think that? Will heaven be boring, is it wrong to ask this? I don't have the greatest life, but i love the people in it and the things i do...will heaven just be pillows to lay on and relaxation all the time? Forever just seems so long...won't we ever get sick of existence? Why cant i be so sure of things like everyone around me seems to be? When will i die? Will it hurt? Will i be old? Will i have unfinished business? Have i told everyone i love i love them?" Okay, i think you get the idea...its a freaking mess in there. I cant shake the thoughts and frustrates me that i think these things all the time. I have tried discussing them with other people...and really it just seems so easy for them and they are so sure of what is to come...and they seem to just get frustrated with me about even thinking the things i do. But, trust me if i didn't have to think these things i wouldn't!
Another thing that has been really bad lately is my urge to annoy....all i want to do is annoy people, esp my husband. When he is dosing off i cant help myself, but to make a noise or disturb him in some way. I know this is mean and wrong but i just cant help it...it makes me laugh, and later i regret it when we fight or when i think about how rude it was. ahh....
On a happy note...end of week three of Weight Watchers lost another 1.7 pounds! :) Hoping i can lose 3 next week....but for now its cheat day so i have decided a Wopper from burger king sounds a- ok to me!
Goodbye for now, thanks for reading
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
Confusion, Who Am I?
Mood today: depressed and confused
Well, last night was another one of those unsettling nights where i cant get my mind to take a rest long enough for me to get some shut eye. I didn't end up going to sleep until after 9 am sometime. I woke up this morning full of thoughts that make me cry. I read last night about mania, somethings I knew about and others were new to me altogether. Mania for those of you who don't know is things like: irritability, hostility, excitability, restlessness, inappropriate behaviors or humor, impulsiveness, extravagant spending, grandiose thinking, distractability, racing thoughts, creative thinking, disorientation, exhilaration, and much more...the one thing i found out that was new to me was the fact that when in a mania we tend to make plans or goals that are unrealistic or unattainable. This made me cry, it made me question who i am. I am always coming up with new ideas and making plans that i never keep. All along it thought that these things are things that i am interested in. I never saw them as something that my illness provoked...and maybe they are things that i want, but as it states "not realistic". I have lived my life with so much disappointment in myself, because i never seem to live up to my expectations or things i plan never work out. Has it just been that all this time i have been setting my standards to high? Is it really so extravagant to want a vacation , even with our low income, is it wrong to want to buy a house and not rent, is it wrong to want my car fixed, get a degree, write a book, start a hobby??? Are all these things unrealistic..where does the mania start and where does it end, where is the line between reality and me, and mania and me ? Whats true and whats not? Is my whole life nothing but mistakes, because of my wishful thinking, or is it just that i am a failure?
For as long as people started telling me i showed signs of bipolar...i would laugh it off. I don't even think when i was diagnosed that i even believed it then. Yeah i would tell people thats what i had, but only because so many times it seemed i owed people an explanation...not necessarily because i believed it. But as of these last few weeks, i have been thinking so much. I have actually been seeing what other people see, even some things that others don't see. I can look back at least a week or so and see my waves of emotion. I can look back two weeks in this particular case and see how i have been building up to the other day with my friends, building up to that absolute happiest peak, only to crash and burn. I am learning with what i read about mania, that i am 90% of the time in some sort of mania, but as i decline the symptoms change. When i hit bottom i stay at bottom for maybe days or weeks at a time. One thing i find curious though, is that not all my mania symptoms are gone. I will be so deep into depression yet i still wont be able to sleep, the only thing that changes there is that when i do finally fall asleep i don't wake up for sometimes 24 hours. I am still irritable, only now i am irritable and weepy. When i am in this state i feel like everything and everyone is judging me, and i am automatically set into defensive mode. People are always getting angry with me when i snap or get hostile, but the truth is i don't feel like i can help it.
I mean hate using the bipolar card, I always have...it makes me feel weak, and like i am making up excuses for being a horrible person, but now i am starting to think maybe it is true that bipolar swings do this to me, and that it isn't my fault. Okay, so now maybe i am a believer in this bipolar shit...but how do i convince others that this is a real thing, people that don't have it, or don't know anyone first hand who does. How can i make it reality for them? So that they wont judge inappropriately or so they won't get so angry. Trust me, I know it sounds pathetic or desperate, or like i said like i am trying to find excuses for being an unpredictable bitch...but it isn't. Maybe that is the first step...to understand that i am not making this up for myself...maybe then it will be easier for others to understand that too. I have to believe in what i have in order for me to help myself so others can help me. I don't know tomorrow i may have the same attitude as before, but today i understand a little better and i want to continue to learn. I want to learn so that i can better understand myself and i can help others to understand it too. Also so that maybe one day when i blog i will be a success story of someone LIVING with bipolar can live a life worth living.
Well, last night was another one of those unsettling nights where i cant get my mind to take a rest long enough for me to get some shut eye. I didn't end up going to sleep until after 9 am sometime. I woke up this morning full of thoughts that make me cry. I read last night about mania, somethings I knew about and others were new to me altogether. Mania for those of you who don't know is things like: irritability, hostility, excitability, restlessness, inappropriate behaviors or humor, impulsiveness, extravagant spending, grandiose thinking, distractability, racing thoughts, creative thinking, disorientation, exhilaration, and much more...the one thing i found out that was new to me was the fact that when in a mania we tend to make plans or goals that are unrealistic or unattainable. This made me cry, it made me question who i am. I am always coming up with new ideas and making plans that i never keep. All along it thought that these things are things that i am interested in. I never saw them as something that my illness provoked...and maybe they are things that i want, but as it states "not realistic". I have lived my life with so much disappointment in myself, because i never seem to live up to my expectations or things i plan never work out. Has it just been that all this time i have been setting my standards to high? Is it really so extravagant to want a vacation , even with our low income, is it wrong to want to buy a house and not rent, is it wrong to want my car fixed, get a degree, write a book, start a hobby??? Are all these things unrealistic..where does the mania start and where does it end, where is the line between reality and me, and mania and me ? Whats true and whats not? Is my whole life nothing but mistakes, because of my wishful thinking, or is it just that i am a failure?
For as long as people started telling me i showed signs of bipolar...i would laugh it off. I don't even think when i was diagnosed that i even believed it then. Yeah i would tell people thats what i had, but only because so many times it seemed i owed people an explanation...not necessarily because i believed it. But as of these last few weeks, i have been thinking so much. I have actually been seeing what other people see, even some things that others don't see. I can look back at least a week or so and see my waves of emotion. I can look back two weeks in this particular case and see how i have been building up to the other day with my friends, building up to that absolute happiest peak, only to crash and burn. I am learning with what i read about mania, that i am 90% of the time in some sort of mania, but as i decline the symptoms change. When i hit bottom i stay at bottom for maybe days or weeks at a time. One thing i find curious though, is that not all my mania symptoms are gone. I will be so deep into depression yet i still wont be able to sleep, the only thing that changes there is that when i do finally fall asleep i don't wake up for sometimes 24 hours. I am still irritable, only now i am irritable and weepy. When i am in this state i feel like everything and everyone is judging me, and i am automatically set into defensive mode. People are always getting angry with me when i snap or get hostile, but the truth is i don't feel like i can help it.
I mean hate using the bipolar card, I always have...it makes me feel weak, and like i am making up excuses for being a horrible person, but now i am starting to think maybe it is true that bipolar swings do this to me, and that it isn't my fault. Okay, so now maybe i am a believer in this bipolar shit...but how do i convince others that this is a real thing, people that don't have it, or don't know anyone first hand who does. How can i make it reality for them? So that they wont judge inappropriately or so they won't get so angry. Trust me, I know it sounds pathetic or desperate, or like i said like i am trying to find excuses for being an unpredictable bitch...but it isn't. Maybe that is the first step...to understand that i am not making this up for myself...maybe then it will be easier for others to understand that too. I have to believe in what i have in order for me to help myself so others can help me. I don't know tomorrow i may have the same attitude as before, but today i understand a little better and i want to continue to learn. I want to learn so that i can better understand myself and i can help others to understand it too. Also so that maybe one day when i blog i will be a success story of someone LIVING with bipolar can live a life worth living.
Some Insight to Me and Things I Can't Control
1.Racing thoughts (especially at night), about everything from did i remember to pay that bill to how i will die
2. Uncontrollable behavior, so many of you think I do these things on purpose, but my god I at times wish could get a grip. Examples: Barking, yelling, pinching, poking, hitting, crying, chattering, singing, laughing, spending, obsessing, compulsionary actions, running my mouth without control(if i don't do these things i am in literal physical pain, my stomach starts to hurt or my head or both, sometimes i even feel like i am going to throw up if i don't, or the thoughts wont go away and i am unable to concentrate on anything else, the noises and yelling make me feel almost euphoric) I know how dumb it sounds really i do.
3. Paranoia, I feel like everyone is judging me, looking at me, talking about me, like i am always making the wrong decisions, like someone is following me, like people are mad even when i have done nothing wrong, like something bad is going to happen all the time, trust issues
4. Fear, death (in all forms accidents, animals, illnesses, medicine etc)
5. Sleep deprivation, I lie awake all hours of the night...a lot of times because of a compulsionary activity I "need" to do or because of racing thoughts
6.Worry(see numbers 1, 3, 4)
7. Crying, feeling hopeless for many reasons and sometimes nothing at all
8. Shopping, I spend and I feel happy again even euphoric
9. Clingy (see numbers 3, 4, 6)
10. Confrontational, over little things (but inside me they feel huge, important, and like im going to explode if i dont say something about it)
11. Can never make up my mind (constant uncertainty, regret, flip floppy)
12. Very analytical (overly analytical)
13. Anxious ( i have no patience. i rush)
14. Make plans or dreams or goals and never keep them going
15. Hyper (uncontrollably happy, excited, bouncing off the walls, life high, extremely loud and obnoxious)
16. I forget and lose everything!
there are more i just need to think on it some more but this gives you some idea to the inner most feelings i have and to my crazy personality.
2. Uncontrollable behavior, so many of you think I do these things on purpose, but my god I at times wish could get a grip. Examples: Barking, yelling, pinching, poking, hitting, crying, chattering, singing, laughing, spending, obsessing, compulsionary actions, running my mouth without control(if i don't do these things i am in literal physical pain, my stomach starts to hurt or my head or both, sometimes i even feel like i am going to throw up if i don't, or the thoughts wont go away and i am unable to concentrate on anything else, the noises and yelling make me feel almost euphoric) I know how dumb it sounds really i do.
3. Paranoia, I feel like everyone is judging me, looking at me, talking about me, like i am always making the wrong decisions, like someone is following me, like people are mad even when i have done nothing wrong, like something bad is going to happen all the time, trust issues
4. Fear, death (in all forms accidents, animals, illnesses, medicine etc)
5. Sleep deprivation, I lie awake all hours of the night...a lot of times because of a compulsionary activity I "need" to do or because of racing thoughts
6.Worry(see numbers 1, 3, 4)
7. Crying, feeling hopeless for many reasons and sometimes nothing at all
8. Shopping, I spend and I feel happy again even euphoric
9. Clingy (see numbers 3, 4, 6)
10. Confrontational, over little things (but inside me they feel huge, important, and like im going to explode if i dont say something about it)
11. Can never make up my mind (constant uncertainty, regret, flip floppy)
12. Very analytical (overly analytical)
13. Anxious ( i have no patience. i rush)
14. Make plans or dreams or goals and never keep them going
15. Hyper (uncontrollably happy, excited, bouncing off the walls, life high, extremely loud and obnoxious)
16. I forget and lose everything!
there are more i just need to think on it some more but this gives you some idea to the inner most feelings i have and to my crazy personality.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
2/22/2010 Day Two: more BS
I guess I can start out today, with a little background. I have seen therapists and psychiatrists off and on since my parents divorce when I was four(?). I have been medicated. It wasn't until about a year ago that I was even diagnosed as Bi-polar. The doctor I had, was one of the most incredibly rude individuals i have ever met. He made me feel less of a person and even stupid for some of the things i would say. The office he worked in also had therapists. I had begun to see one of them as well, who would often not listen to what I would be saying to him, get facts mixed up and then when he would report to my actual Psychiatrist...he would think what i was telling each of them was contradicting and the psych. actually accused me of lying. Since this I have become very self conscience of even talking about what i feel or whats going on upstairs, because I am afraid I will be judged or taken the wrong way, even called a liar. So as i continue on this blogging journey bare with me.
Anyway, on to todays feelings. Well today wasn't much better for my mood at all.
Anyway, on to todays feelings. Well today wasn't much better for my mood at all.
I woke up at 6 pm, last night didn't even fall asleep until well after 5 am. I am sick of not being able to sleep! Not to mention the tax bullshit being on my mind. It was rejected so i have to wait until to tomorrow to call the IRS to straighten things out. Yay! for roadblocks...i also cant decided between paying off bills, a "honeymoon", or saving for a house we will never be able to afford anyway. I also need to just set a day for the sliding scale mental health clinic and just go...its just if i cant sleep until 5 am i am not awake in time to call at 8am for an appointment! :(
I am sick of the way my life has become. I am broke and my 21st birthday is next week with no money how the fucking hell am i supposed to pay for drinks or dinner on my birthday. I am tired of the way my luck plays out. We need money but i don't think i'm ready for a job. We deserve to get away but with bills that just not allowed. I want to have babies or at least find out if its even a possibility but we need a house to do that and money to get a house and two incomes to have money. Its a vicious unfair cycle.
OHHH!! and lets not forget! i gained 1.5 pounds! GAINED after all this counting shit (im on weight watchers into my 3rd week i had lost 7.5 lbs) i gained! i am so pissed. yes my cheat day was extreme and i went over one other day but i made sure that i took the points i went over from the next day so i wouldn't go over again. I am sorry but being fat, broke, and bipolar with no insurance or way to help myself how HELL am i ever going to get out of this hell hole? I feel like i am in a down ward spiral that has no end.
2/20/2010 Day One
How generic, "Day One"...I just couldn't think of anything else to title it.
Well, I have decided since I am not seeing anyone for my bipolar or on any meds...I would start a journal of my everyday experiences with my emotions and feelings. This is so that when I do finally go, I will be able to revisit the times i so often forget while in therapy.
I guess to explain how I got here I would have to go back to the beginning of my demise. The thing is i say demise when inside so many other words are running through my mind, like: ruin, life, journey, love, him, her, them, the cutting. Where is it i shall point a finger to blame for this? The answer is none of these. It isn't and wasn't my demise it was merely just the discovery of my illness, another contradicting thought "Is it an illness or is it all in my head?" "does anyone see what i am going through" "will the doctor believe me, will they care?". Its just when i am in this bottomed out point that i think of terms like this. Its when I am at this point that my poetry and writing is the darkest, yet at its best. I won't go back to the beginning, yet. I just don't know if now is the right time to rehash some of that. Today I will just discuss the past week or so.
All week i have felt at a plateau like almost like there is nothing wrong with me at all. I even questioned if i needed to go back to therapy. I almost felt like it was all in my head. Maybe i am too emotional or i overreact? I still though would get sick at the thought of going back out to the work force. When i think about working its almost, as dramatic as it sounds, like literally making me think about the most embarrassing, sad, or emotional thing that has happened and wrapping them into one. Its like i am afraid to work, for many reasons....what will happen while I'm there, will someone judge me, will i do something wrong, will i make someone mad, will they like me my thoughts race with thoughts like these until i cant stop crying and i feel so overwhelmed i just want to scream and cry and curl into a ball and give up. This frustrates me i used to be so dedicated and strong work willed. I have changed and i hate it so much.
Anyway, i went to see two of my best friends for a full 24 hours, and though i tossed and turned all i night i haven't had so much fun or felt so much like "myself" in so long...if felt amazing...the thought of normalcy even crossed my mind, a job, school, babies, a house all the things that hit me like a ton of bricks when i am "high on life". I feel unstoppable and unbreakable. Like i can fly or take on the world. Even when i got home i was so excited to be home. I felt like my problems were solved. And bam the world came crashing down. I went from happy and hyper to immediately mad. I then started a fight with my mom and i could feel the decline coming on faster and faster. I was then sad and felt hopeless a complete change from what i felt only hours before when i was gliding on air, now i was curled in a ball in bed bawling my eyes out for no reason really.
It feels so unfair how quickly these episodes come on and how sneaky and painful they are. I feel like i am an on an emotional roller coaster with no off switch. And i am screaming, but there is nothing anyone can do about it.
Well, I have decided since I am not seeing anyone for my bipolar or on any meds...I would start a journal of my everyday experiences with my emotions and feelings. This is so that when I do finally go, I will be able to revisit the times i so often forget while in therapy.
I guess to explain how I got here I would have to go back to the beginning of my demise. The thing is i say demise when inside so many other words are running through my mind, like: ruin, life, journey, love, him, her, them, the cutting. Where is it i shall point a finger to blame for this? The answer is none of these. It isn't and wasn't my demise it was merely just the discovery of my illness, another contradicting thought "Is it an illness or is it all in my head?" "does anyone see what i am going through" "will the doctor believe me, will they care?". Its just when i am in this bottomed out point that i think of terms like this. Its when I am at this point that my poetry and writing is the darkest, yet at its best. I won't go back to the beginning, yet. I just don't know if now is the right time to rehash some of that. Today I will just discuss the past week or so.
All week i have felt at a plateau like almost like there is nothing wrong with me at all. I even questioned if i needed to go back to therapy. I almost felt like it was all in my head. Maybe i am too emotional or i overreact? I still though would get sick at the thought of going back out to the work force. When i think about working its almost, as dramatic as it sounds, like literally making me think about the most embarrassing, sad, or emotional thing that has happened and wrapping them into one. Its like i am afraid to work, for many reasons....what will happen while I'm there, will someone judge me, will i do something wrong, will i make someone mad, will they like me my thoughts race with thoughts like these until i cant stop crying and i feel so overwhelmed i just want to scream and cry and curl into a ball and give up. This frustrates me i used to be so dedicated and strong work willed. I have changed and i hate it so much.
Anyway, i went to see two of my best friends for a full 24 hours, and though i tossed and turned all i night i haven't had so much fun or felt so much like "myself" in so long...if felt amazing...the thought of normalcy even crossed my mind, a job, school, babies, a house all the things that hit me like a ton of bricks when i am "high on life". I feel unstoppable and unbreakable. Like i can fly or take on the world. Even when i got home i was so excited to be home. I felt like my problems were solved. And bam the world came crashing down. I went from happy and hyper to immediately mad. I then started a fight with my mom and i could feel the decline coming on faster and faster. I was then sad and felt hopeless a complete change from what i felt only hours before when i was gliding on air, now i was curled in a ball in bed bawling my eyes out for no reason really.
It feels so unfair how quickly these episodes come on and how sneaky and painful they are. I feel like i am an on an emotional roller coaster with no off switch. And i am screaming, but there is nothing anyone can do about it.
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