I am Sick, get used to it!

The world around me seems a blur the past couple of days. I am sitting here in this real world, this real life, this real body....yet I feel like I am behind a window looking in. I feel like the world around me has become so unfamiliar. Its like looking through binoculars you see something you know its real, but you also know its too far away to do anything about whatever it is your looking at.

Anyway, a friend of mine texted me today...well she wants to hang out and has been hinting around hanging out for a couple weekends now. She has expressed to me before about other friends making excuses and not just saying to her "I don't wanna go." So since that conversation...I have been rather afraid of telling her just why I cant or don't feel like it. To her it will only be an excuse. How do I explain to someone I am sick today...if I obviously have nothing "physically" wrong, no flu, no cold, no tumors, etc....but someone with Cancer could easily say I am having a bad reaction to treatment today or I don't feel like it today I am too weak...and it would be perfectly acceptable and even maybe bring that said person to feel bad for them (rightfully so) but how is this any different. I AM SICK, I DON'T FEEL GOOD, MY MEDICATIONS AREN'T WORKING YET, I AM HAVING THOUGHTS OF SUICIDE PLEASE LEAVE ME TO REST....it is an illness and one that doesn't completely go away. Sooo, my choices are offend her potentially and just say "I don't feel good" (thought bubble EXCUSES EXCUSES), or I can make her mad and push her away even more and just ignore her. Either way I am judged, I hurt or make someone mad, and both ways I am not understood.

So again I am faced with the dilemma, that I cannot lead a normal life. How is it possible, I am constantly having to explain myself, be it doctors, employers, the government, family, friends, EVERYONE! It gets so old and annoying. I almost just wanna say forget everyone, as sad as it makes me it would be so much simpler that dealing with this shit everyday. It's so exhausting, to explain why all the time...because its to the same people over and over. Let me ask a few questions for a change! How about: "Why cant you get it through your tiny pee brains and skulls that, I AM SICK? Why cant you instead of asking me all the time why why why, read a book or an article about it??? Why, If it concerns you so much, dont you go to the support groups for family and friends I have told you about???? or, Why is it so hard to just be a good friend or relative and just understand that this is who I am, take it or leave it?" I know the answer to all of these questions....its because the really DON'T CARE (and are lying saying that they do) or they DON't BELIEVE ME.

I love my friends and I love my family, but why cant they see they are killing me faster than Bipolar itself??????

2/20/2010 Day One

How generic, "Day One"...I just couldn't think of anything else to title it.
Well, I have decided since I am not seeing anyone for my bipolar or on any meds...I would start a journal of my everyday experiences with my emotions and feelings. This is so that when I do finally go, I will be able to revisit the times i so often forget while in therapy.
I guess to explain how I got here I would have to go back to the beginning of my demise. The thing is i say demise when inside so many other words are running through my mind, like: ruin, life, journey, love, him, her, them, the cutting. Where is it i shall point a finger to blame for this? The answer is none of these. It isn't and wasn't my demise it was merely just the discovery of my illness, another contradicting thought "Is it an illness or is it all in my head?" "does anyone see what i am going through" "will the doctor believe me, will they care?". Its just when i am in this bottomed out point that i think of terms like this. Its when I am at this point that my poetry and writing is the darkest, yet at its best. I won't go back to the beginning, yet. I just don't know if now is the right time to rehash some of that. Today I will just discuss the past week or so.
All week i have felt at a plateau like almost like there is nothing wrong with me at all. I even questioned if i needed to go back to therapy. I almost felt like it was all in my head. Maybe i am too emotional or i overreact? I still though would get sick at the thought of going back out to the work force. When i think about working its almost, as dramatic as it sounds, like literally making me think about the most embarrassing, sad, or emotional thing that has happened and wrapping them into one. Its like i am afraid to work, for many reasons....what will happen while I'm there, will someone judge me, will i do something wrong, will i make someone mad, will they like me my thoughts race with thoughts like these until i cant stop crying and i feel so overwhelmed i just want to scream and cry and curl into a ball and give up. This frustrates me i used to be so dedicated and strong work willed. I have changed and i hate it so much.
Anyway, i went to see two of my best friends for a full 24 hours, and though i tossed and turned all i night i haven't had so much fun or felt so much like "myself" in so long...if felt amazing...the thought of normalcy even crossed my mind, a job, school, babies, a house all the things that hit me like a ton of bricks when i am "high on life". I feel unstoppable and unbreakable. Like i can fly or take on the world. Even when i got home i was so excited to be home. I felt like my problems were solved. And bam the world came crashing down. I went from happy and hyper to immediately mad. I then started a fight with my mom and i could feel the decline coming on faster and faster. I was then sad and felt hopeless a complete change from what i felt only hours before when i was gliding on air, now i was curled in a ball in bed bawling my eyes out for no reason really.
It feels so unfair how quickly these episodes come on and how sneaky and painful they are. I feel like i am an on an emotional roller coaster with no off switch. And i am screaming, but there is nothing anyone can do about it.